The Dick Van Dyke Show (TV Series)

Somebody Has to Play Cleopatra (1962)

Dick Van Dyke: Rob Petrie

Photos 

Quotes 

• Laura Petrie : Can't you forget about last year?

  Rob Petrie : No, I wanna remember last year. I don't wanna forget it so that next year I don't have to remember *this* year.

  Laura Petrie : Darling, it wasn't that bad.

  Rob Petrie : It wasn't that bad? You had some fun doing it, but you don't remember it, do you? You don't remember how I came home that day? I do. Oh, boy, do I remember. I remember coming home that evening to find that Mrs. Billings' group was holding a meeting in our living room, and behind my back, I had been elected chair. I can still hear Mrs. Billings gushing.

• Mrs. Billings : And now that you're head of the whole show, what can we do to make your job easy?

  Rob Petrie : Impeach me.

• Rob Petrie : Hey, that is a beautiful brunch outfit you've got on.

  Laura Petrie : Thank you.

  Rob Petrie : You know, if you keep lookin' that good in the morning, I may have to switch to an afternoon newspaper.

• Rob Petrie : And, uh, is, uh, Miss Harding still teaching Kindergarten?

  Laura Petrie : Yes, but, uh, Miss Harding can't participate in the play.

  Rob Petrie : Huh? Why?

  Laura Petrie : Well, a few of the wives got up a little petition that prohibits her from being anything but a script girl.

  Rob Petrie : Petition? Wh-when did THIS happen?

  Laura Petrie : First thing tomorrow morning.

• Mrs. Billings : Oh, Mr. Petrie, I saw your show the other night.

  Rob Petrie : Oh, thank you very much.

  Mrs. Billings : Well, you can't win them all, can you.

  Rob Petrie : I'm sorry.

  Mrs. Billings : Oh, I don't blame you, Mr. Petrie. I could have turned it off. My husband said, "Why don't you turn it off?" and I said "No, it's going to get better.", but it didn't, did it?

• Rob Petrie : Harry's a bad actor. Harry Rogers can't do anything but...

  Laura Petrie : Kiss.

• [first lines] 

  Rob Petrie : Hey, is that beautiful brunch outfit you got on?

  Laura Petrie : Thank you.

  Rob Petrie : You know, if you keep looking that good in the morning, I may have to switch to an afternoon newspaper.

  [Laura kisses him] 

  Rob Petrie : Or maybe a weekly news magazine.

  [they both kiss] 

  Laura Petrie : Darling, are you in a good mood?

  Rob Petrie : I am now.

  Laura Petrie : Well, then I guess it's safe for me to tell you that Mrs. Billings is coming over today.

  Rob Petrie : Oh, that's nice. Mrs. Billings is coming over today. Mrs. Billings. Honey... is there a new Mrs. Billings in our neighborhood, or is this the Mrs. Billings who ran that amateur variety show last year?

  Laura Petrie : It's the same Mrs. Billings.

  Rob Petrie : That's what I thought, and I'll see you around.

  Laura Petrie : Rob, where are you going?

  Rob Petrie : Wherever there's no Mrs. Billings. Under no circumstances will I write and direct another amateur variety show this year, and you may tell Mrs. Billings that.

  Laura Petrie : Darling, she didn't say anything about you doing the show again.

  Rob Petrie : Yeah, I can just hear her.

  [mimicking Mrs. Billings] 

  Rob Petrie : "Oh, Mr. Petrie, it's so easy for you. I don't know how you writers get your wonderful ideas."

  [normal voice] 

  Rob Petrie : Absolutely not.

  Laura Petrie : Well, darling, if you do turn her down, you'll do it gently, won't you?

  Rob Petrie : No! Turning her down gently is how I ended up doing the variety show last year. Boy, this year, when she says, "Mr. Petrie, would you do our show this year?", I'm gonna answer her with a three-letter word.

  Laura Petrie : "Yes"?

  Rob Petrie : [shakes his head]  N-O exclamation point.