- Rob Petrie: [explaining why he didn't try harder to keep Laura quiet] Because even though I was embarrassed by everything you said, I sat there and I enjoyed every minute of it! I guess, deep down in my subconscious, I was in complete agreement with you, that's why!
- Laura Petrie: Then why are you shouting at me?
- Rob Petrie: I'm shouting at ME. You're just in the way.
- Buddy Sorrell: [brainstorming for a funny idea to a saloon sketch] I got it. I got the joke. You ready? Alan comes in carrying a colt 45.
- Sally Rogers: A gun?
- Buddy Sorrell: No, a middle-aged horse.
- Mel Cooley: Newstime Magazine is going to do a cover story of Alan and, as his writers, they want to know what you think of him.
- Sally Rogers: Oh, they can't print THAT in a family magazine.
- Mel Cooley: Uh, you can say anything you want as long as you bear in mind that your contracts are coming up for renewal.
- Rob Petrie: Look, you guys, I'd like to explain about that article.
- Sally Rogers: Oh, what's to explain? It's all down here in black and blue.
- Rob Petrie: That's a wonderful joke, Buddy.
- Buddy Sorrell: Oh? Well, would you mind signing this?
- Rob Petrie: What for?
- Buddy Sorrell: It's a receipt for the joke in case anybody asks me what I do around here.
- Sally Rogers: Oh, Buddy! Making him sign a receipt. I think that's terrible.
- Rob Petrie: Thanks, Sal.
- Sally Rogers: Anything we write, we'll just type our initials to it.
- [Newstime Magazine mentions Rob's name eleven times but Alan Brady's only seven]
- Laura Petrie: Do you mean to tell me that he is so small and petty that he counted how many times his name was mentioned?
- Rob Petrie: The bigger they are, the harder they count.
- Diane Moseby: Oh, but does Alan Brady contribute anything to the script?
- Rob Petrie: Oh, my, yes. He's VERY creative. One of the biggest contributors.
- Laura Petrie: Yeah, he signs Rob's checks every week.
- Alan Brady: [having chewed out Rob in a rage] Now GET OUT OF HERE!
- Rob Petrie: [submissively] How far out? Just...
- Alan Brady: Well, from now, I'd go into your office until I tell you w-whether my "satirical sword" needs any sharpening! And next time you talk to a reporter, will you try to work my name in, even if you have to force it into the conversation! And tell your wife to eat at home next time, will ya?
- Waiter: May I take your order, sir?
- Rob Petrie: Yes, waiter: would you get this lady a separate table?
- Alan Brady: You know how many times your name was mentioned in MY article?
- Rob Petrie: Ub... Ub...
- Alan Brady: Eleven! You know how many times My name was mentioned in my article?
- Rob Petrie: Ub...
- [Alan holds up seven fingers]
- Rob Petrie: Seven...
- Alan Brady: Seven!
- Rob Petrie: Heh heh, 7 - 11, that's lucky...
- Alan Brady: Not for you!