Coupling (TV Series)

Size Matters (2000)

Richard Coyle: Jeffrey 'Jeff' Murdock

Quotes 

• Jeff : It must be alot easier being gay. Sex must be a piece of piss if you're gay.

  Howard : Why's that?

  Jeff : Well, see, if you're gay, right... if you're gay, masturbation is practice! You can have a good old practice on you own, and when you're ready, when you got the hang of it, you have a go on someone else's.

• [Jeff is giving Steve tips before his first date with Susan. Susan and Sally have walked into the bar behind Jeff without his knowledge] 

  Jeff : OK, foreplay tip number two.

  [Steve sees Sally and Susan and looks horrified] 

  Jeff : Whoever you normally fantasize about during sex, start calling them 'Susan.' With you, it's always Mariella Frostrup, right?

  [Steve smiles awkwardly at Susan] 

  Jeff : Well, call her 'Susan Frostrup'! That way, when you're in bed with Susan, you won't shout the wrong name when you have your eyes shut!

  Susan : Or you could call her 'God.'

  Jeff : [not realizing]  Well, yeah, I mean, that'd work.

  [realizes, turns around and chuckles nervously] 

  Susan : [coming around the table]  So is it absolutely necessary to think about somebody else?

  Jeff : Well, everybody does. That's why there are so many celebrity marriages.

  Sally : I'm sorry?

  Jeff : Eh? Well, you know, if - if you fantasize about someone else during sex, and so does your partner, and, you know, those two people that you're fantasizing about happen to meet while you're still doing it, they're bound to sense something, aren't they? Because they're connecting on, like, a virtual plane. So can you imagine what it was like when Posh first met Beckham? They were the epicenter of a non-stop, nationwide virtual shag! Ehh!

  [does his hand thing] 

  Jeff : I mean, it's no wonder she got pregnant!

  [laughs] 

  Susan : When the van comes for you, Jeff, go quietly.

  Jeff : [resignedly]  ... OK.

• Patrick : That's your foreplay tip? Socks?

  Jeff : Many men have fallen through the sock gap Patrick. Under the sexual arena of earthly delight, there lurks a deadly pit of socks.

• Jeff : My advice is to get them off right after your shoes and before your trousers... that's the sock gap. Miss it and suddenly you're a naked man in socks. No self-respecting woman with let a naked man in socks do the squelchy with her.

• Jeff : When we finally get our hands on the gear, let me tell you, it's not a drill. We're supposed to fly those babies the first time we get in them.

• Steve : I have forgotten in one moment of embarrassment, the *entire* English language!

  Jeff : I hate it when that happens!

• Jeff : Yeah, the pause is like a whole third person in the conversation, only not saying much... like Patrick.