- Don 'King of Carpets' Miller: Well, maybe you kids ought to think about finding a man for Lillian. You know, fix her up.
- Eric Charming: We'd have to fix her up. No one'd want her the way she is now.
- Snow White Charming: What kind of men would be right for Mother? He'd have to be dashing.
- Eric Charming: He'd have to be stupid.
- Snow White Charming: He'd have to be handsome.
- Eric Charming: He'd have to be blind.
- Snow White Charming: He'd have to be powerful, exciting, mysterious...
- Eric Charming: And out of his fiddlesticking mind!
- The Mirror: They just want to see you happy.
- Queen Lillian White: Then they should spontaneously combust!
- Snow White Charming: I'm a great matchmaker. After all, who set up Jack and Jill?
- Eric Charming: Oh, you did, Snow. Then they went up the hill to fetch a pail of water, Jack fell down and broke his crown, sued the water company, got a huge settlement and then ran off with that slut, Little Bo Peep!
- The Mirror: You may think you're hot stuff, but you're taking Lillian to Hell over my dead body!
- Jack: Okey-doke.
- The Mirror: Let me rephrase that.
- Snow White Charming: So, did you two go out for breakfast this morning?
- Jack: No, we just came in from dinner last night.
- Snow White Charming: Mother, we just wanted you to find someone and get married, not suffer eternal damnation.
- Jack: What's the difference?
- Queen Lillian White: Mirror, mirror, let's get down. Who's the hottest witch in town?
- The Mirror: Hey! Not while I'm eating.