- [Vanessa Feltz's recorded message for convicted murderers]
- Vanessa Feltz: Hello, you think you don't know me, don't you? Yes, but you do because I'm the shopkeeper you shot in a mindless hold-up; you blew out my guts, remember? I'm the old lady whose head you stove in with a loose wardrobe in the middle of the night, remember? I'm the little boy whose face you stabbed off in panic when I found you robbing my house, remember? I'm Marvin Gaye, shot by my own father - oh, yes, you know me all right.
- Chris Morris: UK used to mean United Kingdom but ask anyone today and they'll tell you it stands for "Unbelievable Krimewave"!
- David Compression: Do you feel that vigilante-ism is actually going to help, in the long run?
- Sir Rhodes Boyson: I think it will rise in an area where something has gone wrong.
- David Compression: I mean in Gotham City in the United States they call up a specialist vigilante agent when they're in times of real trouble, by projecting a huge luminous emergency bat sign into the sky, and he comes rushing in. And so far that has worked. Is that something that should be encouraged?
- [Tommy Vance's recorded message for first-time criminals]
- Tommy Vance: Well, they gotcha then. They gone and banged you up good and proper. So what now? What I'd like to do right now is to take your bad half outside, and do it an extremely physical discourtesy; and then buy your good half a pint of foaming, nut-brown ale. Cheers.
- Capt. Clyde Jackson: If you take a seal and hit it very hard in the face, every day for six weeks - you may turn it into a rather fetching hat.
- Michael Winner: Your life in prison is like a dog in a box. What you've got to do is make the dog bigger than the box. Not in a bad way, like a mad wolf in a matchbox, but like a well behaved Alsatian in a Kleenex box.
- Ted Maul: Jill and Sainsbur McManus remember Coswick in the days when people could still be trusted.
- Jill McManus: Everybody had keys to everybody else's house... and the locks were, they were made of paper.
- Tommy Vance: [explaining prison slang] Howard's Arse means prison. One-nil at half-time means food. Woggy coconuts means air bricks. Gazza is a gas-coin used as currency for cigarettes. Plank sanction is a one-for-one fag exchange. Sue my chin - give us a fag, I'll give you two next week. Buff my pylon - give us a fag, you owe me two but I'm letting you off the other one. Don't buff my pylon - switch over the telly. Oh, and very important this one. Portillo means look out behind you.