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Memorable quotes for
"Blackadder the Third"
Dish and Dishonesty (1987)

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Pitt the Younger: I intend to put my own brother up as a candidate against you.
Blackadder: And which Pitt would this be? Pitt the Toddler? Pitt the Embryo? Pitt the glint in the milkman's eye?

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Blackadder: [Baldrick is applying for Parliament] Minimum bribe level?
Baldrick: One turnip. Oh, wait - I don't want to price myself out of the market.

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Vincent Hanna: Master William Pitt, the Even Younger, are you disappointed?
Pitt the Even Younger: Yes I'm horrified. I smeared my opponents, bribed the press to be on my side, and threatened to torture electorate if we lost. I fail to see what a more decent politician would have done.

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Vincent Hanna: Well can you at least tell me one thing. What does the 'S' in his name stand for?
Blackadder: Sod off.
Vincent Hanna: Well. I guess it's none of my business really.

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Pitt the Younger: Mr. Speaker, Members of the House, I shall be brief, as I have rather unfortunately become Prime Minister right in the middle of my exams.

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Pitt the Younger: I now call on the Leader of the Opposition to test me on my Latin vocab.

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Blackadder: If you want something done properly, kill Baldrick before you start.

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Prince George: You know, Blackadder, for me socks are like sex. Lots of it about and I never seem to get any.

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Blackadder: Right. Now all we have to do is fill in this MP application form. Name: Baldrick. First name...?
Baldrick: Er, I'm not sure.
Blackadder: Well, you must have some idea...
Baldrick: Well, it might be Sod off.
Blackadder: What?
Baldrick: Well, when I used to play in the gutter, I used to say to the other snipes, "Hello, my name's Baldrick," and they'd say, "Yes, we know. Sod off, Baldrick."
Blackadder: All right, right right right right, Mr. S. Baldrick. Now; distinguishing features... None.
Baldrick: Well, I've got this big growth in the middle of my face.
Blackadder: That's your nose, Baldrick. Now; any history of insanity in the family? Tell you what, I'll cross out the in. Any history of *sanity* in the family? None whatsoever. Now then; criminal record...
Baldrick: Absolutely not.
Blackadder: Oh, come on, Baldrick, you're going to be an MP, for God's sake! I'll just put fraud and sexual deviancy. Now; minimum bribe level...
Baldrick: One turnip. Oh, hang on, I don't want to price myself out of the market.
Blackadder: Baldrick, I've always been meaning to ask: Do you have any ambitions in life apart from the acquisition of turnips?
Baldrick: Er, no.
Blackadder: So what would you do if I gave you a thousand pounds?
Baldrick: I'd get a little turnip of my own.
Blackadder: So what would you do if I gave you a million pounds?
Baldrick: Oh, that's different. I'd get a great big turnip in the country.
Blackadder: [someone knocks at the door] Oh God, I'll get that. Here
[pushes paper to Baldrick]
Blackadder: , sign here.
[motions where with his hand; Baldrick marks an 'X' on Edmund's palm; Edmund presses his palm against the application]

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Blackadder: Dunny-on-the-Wold is a tuppenny- ha'penny place. Half an acre of sodden marshland in the Suffolk Fens with an empty town hall on it. Population: three rather mangy cows, a dachshund named Colin, and a small hen in its late forties.

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Blackadder: [bashing Baldrick's head against the table] Give me the bloody money Baldrick, or you're dead.
Baldrick: Give me the bloody money Baldrick, or you're dead my Lord.
Blackadder: [Whacks Baldrick's head against the table again] Just do it Baldrick, or I shall further enoble you by knighting you very clumsily with this meat cleaver.
Baldrick: I haven't got it.
Blackadder: What?
Baldrick: I spent it.
Blackadder: You spent it? What could you possibly spend £400 000 on?
[Blackadder notices the massive turnip on the table]
Blackadder: Oh, no... oh God, don't tell me.
Baldrick: My dream turnip.
Blackadder: Baldrick, how did you manage to find a turnip that cost £400 000?
Baldrick: Well, I had to haggle.
[Blackadder slams the turnip over Baldricks head]
Blackadder: This is the worst moment of my entire life. I've spent my last penny on a cat-skin windcheater, I've just broken a priceless turnip...
[there is a knock at the door followed by shouting]
Blackadder: ...and now I'm about to be viciously slaughtered by a naked Tunisian sock merchant. Well, all I can say, Baldrick, is that's the last time I dabble in politics

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Blackadder: [plotting to gain Sir Talbot's support in Parliament] If we're going to get him to support us, he will need some sort of incentive.
Prince George: Hmm, anything in mind?
Blackadder: Well, you could appoint him a high court judge.
Prince George: Is he qualified?
Blackadder: He's a violent, bigoted, mindless old fool.
Prince George: Sounds a bit over-qualified! Get him here at once!
Blackadder: Certainly, sire. I will return before you can say 'antidisestablishmentarianism.'
Prince George: Well, I wouldn't be too sure about that! Antidistibilitsmin... anti-misty-linstimbl...
title card: Two Days Later
Prince George: Anti-distinctly-minty-muntanism... anti...
[Blackadder enters]
Blackadder: Sir Talbot Buxomly!

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Blackadder: [Pitt the Younger enters] Oh, good, it's the Lord Privy Toast Rack.

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Blackadder: [enters in a lords gown] My lord.
Prince George: My Lords.
Blackadder: Pardon, sir?
Prince George: My Lords. There is more than one lord in the vicinity. Will you please welcome his Grace, the Lord Baldrick.
[Baldrick enters in his lordly regalia]
Blackadder: You made BALDRICK a Lord?
Prince George: Well, yes. One who has recently done sterling service, matching the political machinations of the evil Pitt. Good old Lord Baldrick!
Baldrick: It's all right Blackadder, you don't have to curtsey or anything.
Blackadder: Sir, might I let loose a short violent exclamation?
Prince George: Certainly.
Blackadder: [Blackadder moves discreetly sideways, then shouts] DAMN!
Prince George: I say, that's a bit of a strange get up, isn't it Blackadder?
Blackadder: No sir, I'm just off to a fancy dress party. I'm going as Lady Hamilton's pussy.
[he walks towards the door, stops and turns]
Blackadder: There is one little question, sir. About the £400 000 to influence the lords...
Prince George: Ah, yes. I gave that to Lord Baldrick.
Blackadder: [Looking pleased] Ahh! Sir, might I be permitted to take Lord Baldrick downstairs to his some instruction in his lordly duties?
Prince George: I think that's a splendid idea.
Blackadder: [to Baldrick] This way, my Lord.
[Leaves with cloak raised, dracula-esque]

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Prince George: I say, Blackadder, are you sure this is the PM? Seems more like an oily tick to me. When I was at school, we used to line up four or five of his sort, make 'em bend over, and use 'em as a toast rack.
Pitt the Younger: It doesn't surprise me, sir, I know your sort. Once, it was I who stood in the big, cold schoolroom, a hot crumpet burning my cheeks with shame. Since that day, I have been busy every hour God sent, working to become Prime Minister and fight sloth and privilege wherever I found it.
Blackadder: [Casually] I trust you weren't too busy to remove the crumpet.

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[first lines]
Blackadder: Oh, God, bills, bills, bills...! Honestly, Baldrick, sometimes I feel like a pelican. Whichever way I turn, I still have an enormous bill in front of me!

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