- Inspector Frank Luger: You know, Nathan, it seems to me that you, uh, got a lot to learn about the police department. And I want you to know my men continuously conduct themselves in a legal and orderly manner, especially when dealing with the public,most of whom are freaks anyway.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: You know, you keep looking at stuff like this long enough, you start getting tired of it.
- Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, it's, uh, called aversion therapy.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Yeah?
- Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, you know, it's like if you want to stop smoking, uh, they force you to keep smoking one cigarette after the other, until finally you're, uh, sick of it.
- Capt. Barney Miller: That was division commander.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Uh-huh
- Capt. Barney Miller: Pending further inquiry, you've been suspended from field duty.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: You're kidding.
- Capt. Barney Miller: I wish I were. That psychiatrist who did the evaluation on you has recommended that you be restricted to-- To desk duty and that you turn in your gun.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: But what for? Barney, that's crazy. Of course it's crazy. And it's not the end of it.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Temporarily you are considered a risk.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Barney, that's crazy.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Of course it's crazy. And it's not the end of it.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Hey Chano, you know what your body's worth?
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Huh ? I, among others, have a pretty good idea.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Ninety-three dollars. That's what it says here the blood and chemicals come to.
- Det. Ron Harris: Oh, man, maybe that's what your body's worth. But, I mean, I got more than just blood and chemicals. I mean, there's wit, charm.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Ninety-four dollars.
- Det. Ron Harris: What's that?
- Det. Phil Fish: My insurance company. They're raising the premium on my life insurance policy. $50 a month.
- Det. Ron Harris: Oh, that's not fair, man. You ought to pay less as you get closer.
- Capt. Barney Miller: I just got off the phone with Internal Affairs. They want to see you downtown.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: What for?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Seems our friend Speigelgass wasn't kidding. He's filed formal charges. Coercion, intimidation, threatening the well-being of a suspect.
- Det. Phil Fish: Yeah, well, your premiums are way out of line and-- And you're gonna make a deal or I'm gonna take my business elsewhere. That's right. I'm switching from reducing term to regular life because it looks that I may live longer than I'd hoped.
- Capt. Barney Miller: To each his own. That's the name of that test.
- Dr. Esterhazy: Captain Miller, may I see you a moment, please?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Watch it. He's tricky.
- Dr. Esterhazy: Sit down, Captain Miller. I assume you're familiar with this test. It's really very simple.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Uh, I don't mind taking, uh, part in your survey, doctor, but we do have a lot of work to do around here.
- Dr. Esterhazy: It won't take very long and I appreciate your cooperation. Now, these cards will suggest certain images to you. Just feel free to loosely associate your impressions. Card Number 1, please.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Have you come to any conclusions yet, doctor? I mean, about the men?
- Dr. Esterhazy: Yes I have, to some degree.
- Capt. Barney Miller: And they are?
- Dr. Esterhazy: I don't think I can discuss them now.
- Capt. Barney Miller: I'm gonna see that report sooner or later
- Dr. Esterhazy: Card Number 1, please.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Uh, it's my understanding that the conclusions from this test varies from doctor to doctor.
- Dr. Esterhazy: Somewhat, yes. Uh, Card Number 1.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Look, doctor, I have a very vivid imagination. I can see a hundred images in any one of these cards, ranging from the horrifying to the idyllic, from the ridiculous to the sublime because that's the way I look at life, particularly in the mood I'm in right now.
- Det. Phil Fish: What do you mean you don't issue new policies to persons my age?... Oh, really?... Would you care for a suggestion of what to do with that rock of yours?... Hello?
- Capt. Barney Miller: No luck, huh?
- Det. Phil Fish: Nobody'll cover me. Oh, if Bernice finds out I don't have any insurance, it would kill her. And she's not covered either.
- Det. Ron Harris: Suede and Leather Prices Going Up.
- [Newspaper Headline]
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Harris, that's what I like about you: your priorities.