Barney Miller (TV Series)

The Inventor (1980)

Hal Linden: Capt. Barney Miller

Quotes 

• Det. Ron Harris : Well, Barn, tax-wise; Barney you got everything going for you, I mean, you only got one source of income, your mortgaged to the hilt, medical expenses, investment losses, a wife, and two lovely deductions.

  Capt. Barney Miller : Oh yeah, we're one big happy write-off

• John Essex : Excuse me, John Essex, Powerite Electronics - We still can't believe that Mr. Emery would do such a thing. He's been a trusted employee for twenty years. - In recent weeks, he's become increasingly erratic and unstable, we have been quite concerned.

  Capt. Barney Miller : According to Mr. Emery, he's developed quite a breakthrough on a battery.

  John Essex : Oh, he's been talking that gibberish again. Believe me, Captain those blueprints are nothing more than a pathetic hodgepodge of bizarre scribblings. They're completely worthless.

  Capt. Barney Miller : Then why were they locked in the President's safe.

  John Essex : Sentimental Reasons.

  Capt. Barney Miller : Why don't you have a seat Mr. Essex, we will be with you in a moment

  John Essex : [points to Barney's bolo tie]  Oh, I've got one of those too, but I've never had the guts to wear it.

• John Essex : I certainly enjoyed the seance, but about Mr Emery?

  Capt. Barney Miller : I take it, your firm is prepared to press charges.

  John Essex : Well, unfortunately, we may have to. - Although, if Mr Emery would promise to refrain from any further activities, and agree to stop publicizing his hopeless projects, Powerite might be persuaded to leave the matter at simple dismissal. - Or a raise in salary might be arranged.

  Herbert Emery : What kind of man are you, You know what this battery could do?, The energy it could provide? The enormous boon it could be for people. You know all that, and still you can do what your doing?

  John Essex : Regardless, I got to be getting back to the office and I'll take these crazy doodles along with me .

  Capt. Barney Miller : Certainly, Counselor is aware these drawings are evidence.

  John Essex : Well, we decided not to press charges - Don't you think the poor man has suffered enough ?

  Herbert Emery : That's not going to stop me Essex. I've still got it all up here.

  John Essex : Do you really think anyone in this industry with bankroll your madness.?

  Herbert Emery : Maybe not, but there are other people out there, people with courage and vision.

  John Essex : Best of Luck, believe me Captain this battery is a waste of energy, the only thing it's good for is somebody else's tax shelter.

  Det. Ron Harris : Hello.

• Dr. Matthew Kramer : If you want, we could try once more for that license number .

  Capt. Barney Miller : That's okay Wojo, I think you have already given best shot

• Capt. Barney Miller : Hopefully, Sergeant Wojciehowicz will remember on his own.

• Capt. Barney Miller : As a matter of fact while recounting the events of last evening, you did include a few personal remarks, a few editorial comments about each of us.

• Dr. Matthew Kramer : Allright, now the car has driven of, what are you doing ?

  Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Giving pursuit .

  Dr. Matthew Kramer : Are you driving? - Still trying to think of the license number?

  Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : No, I'm thinking of having to talk to Barney. I'm picturing the look on his face, when I give him the report.

  Dr. Matthew Kramer : I'm afraid any further probing is going to be fruitless.

  Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : I mean, it's always the same thing. You know...

  [Barney reaches into his pocket for his glasses] 

  Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : He'll look at you over his glasses,

  [Barney sighs] 

  Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : give me one of his sighs. Thing is, I have been working in this squadroom for five years now, I've been a Sergeant for two, and he keeps treating me like I'm just out of the academy. - I mean, I always feel like Barney needs to talk down to my level. Make some kind of allowances for me, not like,well like Dietrich. Dietrich doesn't patronize you. He talks to you. Like you understand what he's talking about. A lot of the time, I don't, but that's just because Dietrich is a smart person. I think, Dietrich has more brains than the rest of us put together. - Getting back to Harris - ever since he wrote his book, he acts like...

  Dr. Matthew Kramer : Sergeant, I'm going to wake you in a moment, so just relax and prepare yourself. - Before I bring him out of it, are there any post-hypnotic suggestions you would like me to give?

  Det. Ron Harris : Yeah, I wanna hear him cluck.

  Dr. Matthew Kramer : Sergeant, I'm going to count to five. On the count of five, I am going to snap my finger, and you will awaken, you will recall none of this conversation, but you'll be fine in every respect...

  Capt. Barney Miller : Doctor, thank you for coming down anyway

  Dr. Matthew Kramer : If you don't mind I just want to jot down a few notes on the session right now, while it's still fresh in my mind.