Barney Miller (TV Series)
The Clown (1982)
Hal Linden: Capt. Barney Miller
Photos
Quotes
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William Krebs aka Bingo the Clown : I suppose your wondering how I became a clown ?
Capt. Barney Miller : Uh, actually, I... .
William Krebs aka Bingo the Clown : Believe it or not, I was a claims adjuster for an insurance company, week in and week out filling out forms, measuring dents, having to talk with people who are basically very unhappy, just like me.
Capt. Barney Miller : I can imagine
William Krebs aka Bingo the Clown : Then one morning, I woke up. I quit my job. I left my wife and three kids. And I became this -- Bingo, the clown who brings joy and laughter to a world hungry for both
Capt. Barney Miller : On behalf of the entire planet, Thank you.
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Officer Carl Levitt : Uh, sir, this is Andrew Landry. Charges include disturbing the peace, destruction of private property, and solicitation of prostitution
Andrew Landry : Why, you must be Barney, I've heard a lot about you in the car.
Capt. Barney Miller : What happened?
Det. Ron Harris : Well, when we got to the hotel, uh, the Night Clerk, led us directly to, uh, Mr. Landry's hospitality suite, Well, we found old Landry here. He was hosting a stag film while, uh, assorted trollops served cocktails to the guest and um, the food fight just raged on in the master bedroom
Det. Ron Harris : Apparently the first pizza roll was hurled when the boys from Bed-Stuy accused Manhattan South of being a pansy precinct
Capt. Barney Miller : There were cops there?
Andrew Landry : Yeah, yeah, about 30 of them, including, uh, these two .
Det. Ron Harris : Well, Barn , you see, um, uh, Mr. Landry here -- he's , uh, in town representing the burgeoning metropolis of Mesa City, New Mexico He's, uh, trying to find himself a police department
Officer Carl Levitt : A police recruiter, sir
Capt. Barney Miller : Thank you Levitt
Andrew Landry : I'm -- I'm sorry if things got a little out of hand, Captain. But you know how cops get after a couple of drinks
Capt. Barney Miller : No I don't
Andrew Landry : Well then, maybe you like to sit down and have a chat over a cup of coffee
Capt. Barney Miller : Mr Landry, you don't...
Andrew Landry : You see Captain, Mesa City is not just on the lookout for patrolman
Capt. Barney Miller : Mr. Landry...
Andrew Landry : We also have several high-paying positions of leadership available for men in command positions
Capt. Barney Miller : Book him
Andrew Landry : Whoo !
Det. Ron Harris : Uh, Mr. Landry, you...
Andrew Landry : I like him
Det. Ron Harris : Oh, no. he's -- he's spoken for.
Andrew Landry : Oh !
Det. Ron Harris : Yeah ! You want to just, uh... . But, now he's available
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Officer Carl Levitt : What with my nebulous status to begin with and now...
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Excuse me, uh, there is something out there I think you should know about
Capt. Barney Miller : Excuse me, Levitt.
Officer Carl Levitt : It's okay, sir. I'll just here quietly and maintain my level of excellence.
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Vincent Royer : Uh, Barney, there's an assault in progress at the Magnolia Theater over on Third.
William Krebs aka Bingo the Clown : That's Mr. Jingle's corner
Capt. Barney Miller : Allright, you and uh...
Officer Carl Levitt : I'll go, sir
Capt. Barney Miller : Thank you, Levitt
Officer Carl Levitt : And when I get back, you can begin to process my resignation
Capt. Barney Miller : Levitt.
Officer Carl Levitt : I'm quite sure they'll approve that
Andrew Landry : Uh, excuse me
Officer Carl Levitt : Okay, cowboy, you got a deal.
Andrew Landry : Great
Capt. Barney Miller : Levitt ! Levitt !
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Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : It's all politics, isn't it ?
Capt. Barney Miller : Yeah, that's what it is .
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Gordon Kaiser : The point is Captain, what with Rikers being so hopelessly overcrowded as it is , we decided, it would be an innovative concept to prune back on our misdemeanor offender.
Capt. Barney Miller : Prune back.
Gordon Kaiser : You know, granting early releases to purse snatchers, second story men, petty thieves, etc. And thereby making valuable cell space available for the far more despicable and deserving criminals
Capt. Barney Miller : If it was such a great idea, Mr. Kaiser, then why'd you sneak them out in the middle of the night
Gordon Kaiser : Sentimental reasons... .Look, Captain.
Capt. Barney Miller : Mr Kaiser, what is it you want of me ?
Gordon Kaiser : It's no big thing . If you could just see yourself clear to let those boys go.
Capt. Barney Miller : Just ignore the charges ? Just forget about the fact that they practically destroyed a restaurant
Gordon Kaiser : Okay. Captain, I don't think you fully appreciated my situation. If this little incident out here ever leaks to the press, it will prove not only embarrassing, but may jeopardize otherwise a very progressive and successful program
Capt. Barney Miller : Are you telling me you have done it before ?
Gordon Kaiser : Maybe
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Gordon Kaiser : Captain, if you could just, for a moment, put yourself in my shoes
Capt. Barney Miller : Wrong size, Mr Kaiser
Gordon Kaiser : What ?
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Det. Ron Harris : Uh, Barn
Capt. Barney Miller : Yeah?
Det. Ron Harris : You, uh, you remember Arthur Duncan here ?
Capt. Barney Miller : Back again Duncan ? What was it the last time, ripping off the Salvation Army wasn't it?
Det. Ron Harris : Mm-Hmm
Capt. Barney Miller : Before that ? uh...
Det. Ron Harris : Assaulting the handicap
Capt. Barney Miller : Right.
Arthur Duncan : So, you all are looking well
Capt. Barney Miller : What happened ?
Det. Ron Harris : Well, when we drove up in front of the theater, we found Arthur here pinned against the ticket booth by one Mr. Jingles and Woof-Woof the Wonder Dog
Arthur Duncan : A Great Dane wearing a derby, very funny .
Capt. Barney Miller : So, you're up to clowns now, huh, Duncan?
Arthur Duncan : Well, I can't help it. My--My father never took me to the circus . Well, maybe it was the boat show
Capt. Barney Miller : Take his statement
Det. Ron Harris : Uh, Circus Boy, take a seat over there, huh?
Arthur Duncan : Yeah, sure, right
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Det. Ron Harris : Uh, got it. Looks like we got a wild party in progress over at the Greenwich Hotel. You know, booze and hookers.
Capt. Barney Miller : Take Levitt
Det. Ron Harris : Oh, thank you sir
[hands mail to Captain Miller]
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Capt. Barney Miller : Yeah, I, uh, opened the mail. I came across this letter from the citation board.
Officer Carl Levitt : Was the, uh, medal enclosed, sir ?
Capt. Barney Miller : You're not getting the medal, Carl. They turned you down.
Officer Carl Levitt : Didn't you tell them I saved the life of a small boy at considerable risk to my own?
Capt. Barney Miller : Well aware of that.
Officer Carl Levitt : Oh. Well then, did they offer a particular reason, or are they just kissing me off for kicks?
Capt. Barney Miller : I'll read you exactly what they wrote: "The board acknowledges that the actions taken by Officer Carl Levitt on November 12, 1981 were noteworthy, well in keeping with the high level of excellence maintained by the New York City Police Department; however, request denied."
Officer Carl Levitt : Well, that certainly explains it.
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Capt. Barney Miller : According to these gentlemen, they were janked out of jail, put on a bus, and dumped in the middle of Manhattan.
Gordon Kaiser : Ah, ah, that's true, that's true, but not entirely accurate. Could we talk somewhere in private ?
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Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : I'm going to go downstairs ,and grab some uniforms. Hell in a handbasket ? It's late
Gordon Kaiser : Captain, maybe I better go down with them just in case
Capt. Barney Miller : I'd appreciate that, Mr. Kaiser
Gordon Kaiser : I'd thought you might
Andrew Landry : God, your good.
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Officer Carl Levitt : We're back
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : All right, inside Harris
Det. Ron Harris : Hey
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : It's habit
Capt. Barney Miller : How'd it go ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Same crowd from the cafeteria, so we, uh, busted in , we rounded them up, and we headed them out... . I read the brochure
Det. Ron Harris : The, uh, paddy wagon, took them all over to Manhattan South and Mr. Kaiser just went along for the ride
Capt. Barney Miller : Right ? Look, uh, it's almost the end of the shift. Uh, why don't you run that bunch downtown and head on home ?
Det. Ron Harris , Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : All right
Officer Carl Levitt : Uh, sir, I would like to say something before we adjourn for the dawn
Capt. Barney Miller : Yes, Levitt
Officer Carl Levitt : Well, it's just , uh, I think I speak for all of us when I say no matter how tedious or frustrating or unrewarding the job may seem at times. It's a privilege of serving under a officer of your caliber and dedication that somehow makes the whole wacky ball of wax worth while. Right ,guys ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Yeah, right , Levitt
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : I got nothing to add.
Det. Ron Harris : I couldn't have said it better myself.
[Bingo honk horn]
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[first lines]
Det. Ron Harris : Oh, um, Barney? William Krebs, a.k.a. 'Bingo'.
William Krebs aka Bingo the Clown : What's happening with the world?
Capt. Barney Miller : I'm not sure, Mr. Krebs.
Det. Ron Harris : He was, um- he was mugged while entertaining a crowd of moviegoers outside the Tivoli Theater over on House Street.
Capt. Barney Miller : Hm.
Det. Ron Harris : Sounds like our man, huh?
William Krebs aka Bingo the Clown : What man?
Capt. Barney Miller : I'm afraid you were the third clown to be assaulted in this precinct in the last two weeks.
Det. Ron Harris : I didn't have the heart to say it.
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Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Got statements from Doyle and Crenshaw and slapped them in the cage
Capt. Barney Miller : Right
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : Put in that call into Rikers .The guy should be coming down soon
Capt. Barney Miller : All right