- Det. Ron Harris: Smog does not come from cigarettes
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: It helps
- Det. Ron Harris: Listen here, the Indians suck their pipes all through this neighborhood before you guys got here. Wasn't no smog then.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: What do you mean you guys ?
- Det. Ron Harris: I mean the place was already ruined before I arrived
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I think it was bad enough today without you making it worse
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey Barn. don't you think the pollution is bad enough without everyone having to breathe Harris' smoke
- Det. Ron Harris: Look, no one is forcing you
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Oh come on.
- Capt. Barney Miller: I think, Detective Harris is going to demonstrate the judgement and consideration he has always shown in the past during difficult and uncomfortable situations.
- Det. Ron Harris: Put it out ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Thank you
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Thanks Harris
- Det. Ron Harris: It probably wouldn't bother you if you didn't breathe through your mouth all the time
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I only breathe through my mouth when I'm talking
- Det. Ron Harris: Hmm-Hmm.
- Capt. Barney Miller: You all right ?
- Det. Phil Fish: I'll be fine. fine Barney. It's just the smog, I swallowed a piece
- Capt. Barney Miller: Nick, get some water, will you ?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Sure, anybody see the strainer
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Man, the smog is tearing me up. I can't even see to type
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: That's the one good thing about being oriental. You don't expose a lot of eye
- Capt. Barney Miller: Gentleman, we are in a full-fledged first stage smog alert. Manhattan South advises all police officers are cautioned to restrict their movements... smog. So, try to curtail any excess physical activity. Huh ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Barney ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Yo
- Capt. Barney Miller: We got a jumper
- Capt. Barney Miller: Oh, wonderful, where ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Ah, The Brooklyn Bridge. She's threatening to jump if anybody comes near her
- Capt. Barney Miller: The Brooklyn Bridge ? Why didn't they call Brooklyn ?
- Det. Ron Harris: She's right in the middle of the bridge.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Why did dispatch call us ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Well, they said the wind is blowing this way.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Ah, go ahead, take it. Take...
- Det. Ron Harris: I'm on with Harris
- Capt. Barney Miller: Whoa, whoa, Nick can take it
- Det. Phil Fish: No, I can do my own job. Besides, you got to know how to talk to jumpers.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I tell a pretty good joke
- Capt. Barney Miller: Fish... Fish, it's a little rotten out there today, so take it easy.
- Det. Phil Fish: What is it? A little talk, a little listening. They trust me. I find them a reason for living
- Capt. Barney Miller: It's you I'm concerned about ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Don't worry, I'll find a reason someday
- Det. Ron Harris: I'm glad your going Fish. It will be refreshing to talk to someone who has a sense of humor and enjoys a little sophisticated and pungent conversation.
- Det. Phil Fish: Sure
- Capt. Barney Miller: Hey ! Who brought brown sugar ?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I don't know
- Capt. Barney Miller: We'll whoever did, brown sugar is a lot healthier than the refined stuff. This is brown sugar ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Now it is
- Officer Carl Levitt: Hey, brought up your mail
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Ah, yeah thanks. Dump it on the desk there.
- Officer Carl Levitt: Sure. Got a woman up here now, I here ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Huh ?
- Officer Carl Levitt: A woman detective, right? What's her name ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Battista
- Officer Carl Levitt: Burns you up, right, sticking you with a woman and passing over a lot of good guys, because they're too short
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Where's the mail ?
- Officer Carl Levitt: I'm 5'6" and a quarter
- Officer Carl Levitt: Yeah, so ?
- Officer Carl Levitt: I thought you asked ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: No, I asked for the mail
- Officer Carl Levitt: I already brought it up
- Det. Maria Battista: Okay, you inside.
- Antoine McCarthy: I didn't mean to hurt anyone. Everybody does it and nobody ever gets arrested
- Det. Maria Battista: Your are going to be famous. You are going to be first
- Officer Carl Levitt: Battista ?
- Det. Maria Battista: That's right ?
- Officer Carl Levitt: Puerto Rican ?
- Det. Maria Battista: 100 percent
- Officer Carl Levitt: What are you 4'6" - 4'7" ?
- Det. Maria Battista: 5 feet
- Officer Carl Levitt: Sure, got the whole world by the tail
- Renee Pettit: 11:15, I never thought I would see 11:15 again. I thought I would be dead by 10, 10:30 at the latest.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Mrs.Petit, anybody ever point out to you, that suicide, aside from being very stupid, happens to be against the law in this state
- Renee Pettit: I'm sorry about your friend. I should be dead and he should be alive
- Capt. Barney Miller: He is alive
- Renee Pettit: You didn't see the way he fell over and hit the ground
- Capt. Barney Miller: He fainted -- a person faints, he has to get to the ground some way or another. Don't trouble yourself over it.
- Renee Pettit: I was only trying to be nice.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Barn, they lost Fish ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: He's dead ? !
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I don't know. They don't where he is ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Oh, for God sake, Wojo, will you chose your words more carefully ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I'm sorry, Barn. I meant that, uh, they don't know where he is at Bellevue, and they don't know which ambulance went where ? I couldn't get any information.
- Capt. Barney Miller: All right, All right. Try another hos... Okay, try another hospital. Try Metropolitan or Beekman Downtown or St Vincent.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Right?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: The man's got to be somewhere ! You don't lose an entire police man ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Right ?
- Det. Maria Battista: McCarthy, don't got no priors.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Fine
- Det. Maria Battista: They're probably going to go easy on him.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Probably
- Det. Maria Battista: It was a good bust though, yeah ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: From a technical viewpoint.
- Det. Maria Battista: Nah, he's probably going to get off clean.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Not exactly clean. The man has already been humiliated and embarrassed
- Det. Maria Battista: You want me to let him go ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: It's your collar Battista, it's your decision.
- Det. Maria Battista: That's right
- Capt. Barney Miller: However, a misdemeanor citation, a lecture on respect for woman...
- Det. Maria Battista: Is that my decision ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: It's up to you
- Det. Maria Battista: It's not bad
- Capt. Barney Miller: Don't worry about it, he's not going to write on anymore walls
- Det. Ron Harris: Nearest relative ?
- Renee Pettit: I guess, that would be my husband ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Your married, Miss. Pettit ?
- Renee Pettit: It was sort of a handshake.
- Det. Ron Harris: And his name?
- Renee Pettit: Frankie, something.
- Det. Ron Harris: We'll come back to that one ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Maybe Manhattan South hasn't gotten around to calling us yet. I mean, maybe -- maybe they don't know how to break the news to us
- Capt. Barney Miller: Headquarters has never shown us any consideration before, why should they start now. It's purely a matter of communication. He's all right. He's all right.
- Capt. Barney Miller, Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Okay, I sure wish I was nicer to him
- Capt. Barney Miller: Look, we'll here from them. Don't worry. Meanwhile, everybody has got some work to do ? Is Miss Pettit take care of?
- Det. Ron Harris: Bellevue is on its way
- Capt. Barney Miller: Fine, Wojo, find something to do .
- Det. Maria Battista: Okay McCarthy, out of the cage
- Antoine McCarthy: What ?
- Antoine McCarthy: Your being released with a Desk Appearance Ticket.
- Antoine McCarthy: What's the rush ?
- Det. Maria Battista: This ticket requires you to appear in court the day specified on the ticket
- Antoine McCarthy: I don't mind waiting here
- Det. Maria Battista: Look , I'm trying to be nice to you. Come on, don't cause me no trouble. Move it out
- Officer Carl Levitt: Writes on bathroom wall. I do that.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Where the hell were you ? We called every hospital in the city
- Det. Phil Fish: I didn't go to the hospital. I had a little oxygen in the ambulance and felt okay So, I asked them to let me out.
- Capt. Barney Miller: What are you talking about ? No ambulance would let you out on the street
- Det. Phil Fish: The gun helped. Then I took the subway
- Det. Ron Harris: Just wait right in here. You'll be very happy.
- Renee Pettit: I give you my word, no more bridges. It was all a joke, don't you understand, a joke. For God sakes, doesn't anybody here have a sense of humor ?
- Officer Carl Levitt: I would be Detective right now, if I was a woman
- Det. Maria Battista: You know, I understand things like that can be arranged ?
- Officer Carl Levitt: What, are you kidding? I wouldn't go through something like that. Weird doctors cut you up, making guys into broads. You don't come out any taller.
- Capt. Barney Miller: This our author ?
- Det. Maria Battista: Mr. Antoine McCarthy. Disorderly Conduct and Resisting Arrest
- Capt. Barney Miller: Resisting Arrest ?
- Antoine McCarthy: I didn't know who she was.
- Det. Maria Battista: I identified myself as a police officer
- Antoine McCarthy: I thought she was fooling around ? You know, to break the ice
- Capt. Barney Miller: Mr. McCarthy, you defaced city property. What's more in a particularly vulgar manner
- Det. Maria Battista: it wasn't even clean enough to be vulgar. Ah... Come sit down here please. I wrote down what you wrote down. Dirty, filthy smut.
- Antoine McCarthy: If you want to catch a person's eye -- I mean, you're competing with a lot other stuff.
- Antoine McCarthy: What were you doing in the ladies wash room ?
- Antoine McCarthy: What do you want me to do. Hang around bars?
- Det. Ron Harris: Uh, Barney, the people at Bellevue, said that they're not able to take Mrs. Petit right away
- Capt. Barney Miller: Uh, all right, write here up and make here as comfortable as possible
- Det. Ron Harris: Okay, Barney