Barney Miller (TV Series)
Horse Thief (1975)
Hal Linden: Capt. Barney Miller
Photos
Quotes
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Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Hey Barn, I got a description for the horse: brown eyes, brown hair, two white socks, stands about 6'3 and weighs approximately 1200 pounds.
[laughs]
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : What do you say we don't tell them it's a horse?
Capt. Barney Miller : I think we better, they just might turn up with someone.
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Capt. Barney Miller : The mayor arrives at 5:30. The kickoff ceremony begins at 6. And these areas will be roped off for special groups. We got any problems?
Det. Ron Harris : All the local merchants are being very cooperative, Barney.
Capt. Barney Miller : Good.
Det. Ron Harris : Including our ladies of the evening. They said they want very much to take part in the ceremonies.
Capt. Barney Miller : I'm not surprised. I mean, I suppose they're part of our heritage too.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana : Sure. There were hookers around here 200 years ago. Some of the same ones.
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Capt. Barney Miller : Oh, Barney, uh, Mr. Franklin is looking at photographs, but he still insists he was alone. He's a family man.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale : Well, then, for the sake of the family men who have gone before him and all those who will follow in his footsteps, you better find out who it was who worked him over.
Capt. Barney Miller : Barney, so far all we got, the clerk says he thinks it was a redhead, but, uh... Look, I'm gonna book him.
Capt. Barney Miller : If that's what he wants.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale : Yeah.
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Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Hey, uh, Barn, I got the makes on that punk.
Capt. Barney Miller : And?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Well, uh, you're not gonna believe it. Guy was a Marine.
Capt. Barney Miller : Wojo, it takes all kinds to make a war.
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Officer Shriker : It ain't my horse.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana : Are you sure?
Officer Shriker : Hey, I know my horse.I mean, don't you think a fella knows his own horse?
Capt. Barney Miller : W-wait a minute. Wait a minute. Mr. Fuzzo, did you or did you not take that horse from the police barn?
Fuzzo : I did. I swear it. Would I lie about something I stole?
Officer Shriker : Well, he took it. It's Cooley's gelding. I don't ride geldings.
Capt. Barney Miller : Look, you wanna take the horse or don't you?
Officer Shriker : Uh, yeah, I guess maybe I better. Hey, I got to admit something. He really knows his horses. I mean, that horse looks happier with you than he ever did with Cooley.
Fuzzo : Thanks.
Capt. Barney Miller : Look, uh, Shriker, think anybody would mind if it took a couple of extra days before the horse got back?
Officer Shriker : O-oh. I don't know. I... I could ask Cooley. He's down in Washington Square riding crowd control.
Capt. Barney Miller : Good, you do that. Mr. Fuzzo, why don't you go with Officer Shriker?No, that's... That's okay.That's okay. That's okay.
Officer Shriker : Hey, wait a minute.If you got Cooley's horse, Cooley's got mine. Cooley uses spurs.
Fuzzo : O-oh. Oh, I hate that.Any guy that uses spurs should be horsewhipped.
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Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale : Uh, Barney, Mr. Franklin still insists he was alone, and the hotel says they'll accept payment for the damages and drop all charges.
Capt. Barney Miller : Everybody happy?
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale : Yeah.
Capt. Barney Miller : Let him go home.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale : Uh, Barney, uh, you wanna hold Miss Gifford?
Capt. Barney Miller : For selling buttons?
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale : No. She's got a license for that.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale : All right, Mr. Franklin, you're free to go.
Mr. Franklin : Yeah?
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale : That's right.
Mr. Franklin : Oh, yeah? Oh, thank you. I got a plane to catch.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale : Yeah, uh, do me a favor, huh? Next time you come to New York on a vacation, stay in Philadelphia.
Mr. Franklin : I was alone.
Tracy Gifford : Miss Gifford, you're free to go.
Tracy Gifford : You got a mirror I could use?
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale : Sure, it's right over the sink in the bathroom.
Tracy Gifford : Thank you.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale : All right.
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Capt. Barney Miller : Harris, uh, run over to Washington Square and give Borough Task Force a hand.
Det. Ron Harris : Okay, Barney.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale : Yeah, right. Right, okay. Barney, what do you wanna do about the hotel?
Capt. Barney Miller : Uh, take a couple of uniforms and run over there.And maybe you should call Travelers Aid,see if they can relocate some of the overflow.
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The Flag Salesman : Oh. So this is the secret police.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : No, this is the 12th Precinct, and it's no secret.
The Flag Salesman : You mean you brag about this place?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : All right, Barn, I talked to all the hackies about the missing horse. If they know something,they ain't giving it up.
Capt. Barney Miller : Who is this?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : I caught him on my way back through the park.He was selling this stuff at a little table.
The Flag Salesman : You got something against the free-enterprise system?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Hey, look, you're not supposed to put the American flag on anything but the flag. Look at this stuff. T-shirts, hats. Look here. A beach towel. I mean, people would be putting their wet, sandy bodies all over the American flag. And another thing. Turn around.
The Flag Salesman : Whatever turns you on.
Capt. Barney Miller : Fashionable, perhaps. Disrespectful, yes. But, uh, against the law?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Oh, come on, Barn. It's gotta be.
Capt. Barney Miller : The Supreme Court says no.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Since when?
Capt. Barney Miller : About a year ago.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : You sure?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Would I lie to you?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Well, I ain't lettin' him go until I see if he's got some priors.
Capt. Barney Miller : You hang in there.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : I would've kicked his tail all the way down here if I thought I could've missed the flag.
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Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana : Uh, Barney,that was the commander of the police barn. One of their horses was stolen.
Capt. Barney Miller : What is this, an epidemic?Wait a minute. Fuzzo loses a horse. Now we lose a horse.You better check out Fuzzo.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Hey, Barn. That was Kogan. We gotta do something about Pier 10.
Capt. Barney Miller : Pier 10?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Yeah, there's a bunch of clowns over there throwin' tea into the East River.
Capt. Barney Miller : What is going on out there today?
The Flag Salesman : The second American Revolution. Right on schedule.
Capt. Barney Miller : Uh, Fish.
Det. Phil Fish : Yeah?
Capt. Barney Miller : Yeah, take a run over to Pier 10. We got some trouble over on the harbor. This is beautiful. Rioting, fistfights, vandalism. It's lovely way to celebrate the bicentennial.
Det. Phil Fish : You get to be 200 years old, I guess you get a little cranky.
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Fuzzo : Oh, captain, my wife called, said you gentlemen wanted to see me. Did you find my horse?
Capt. Barney Miller : Uh, not yet, Mr. Fuzzo, uh, but I understand that you're back in business.
Fuzzo : Oh, well, I got another horse. Oh? Yeah, just temporarily.
Capt. Barney Miller : Where'd you get it?
Fuzzo : I borrowed it.
Capt. Barney Miller : Ah. From whom?
Fuzzo : I... Y-you wouldn't know them.
Capt. Barney Miller : Try me. We know a lot of people.
Fuzzo : Oh, well... Well, uh, th-they're on the other side of town. And... Oh, and they got a lot of horses. I mean, one horse, more or less. Heh-heh. They can get along without it.
Capt. Barney Miller : So they gave you one.
Fuzzo : Well, like I said, I borrowed it.
Capt. Barney Miller : Do they know it yet?
Fuzzo : I think they do now.
Capt. Barney Miller : Mr. Fuzzo, borrowing without permission is called stealing. And we... We of the police department frown on activities like that, particularly when the borrowing is being done from the police department.
Fuzzo : I wasn't gonna keep it. I was going to sneak it back in a couple of days, in better shape than I got it. Go downstairs and take a look at him. I shampooed him. I curried his coat. I-I waxed his hooves. Oh, he was a mess when I picked him up.
Capt. Barney Miller : From the police barn? Yeah.
Fuzzo : When you're gonna borrow, borrow the best.
Capt. Barney Miller : Mr. Fuzzo... Mr. Fuzzo, I'm afraid we're gonna have to hold you.
Capt. Barney Miller : Nick.
Fuzzo : You're gonna...? You're gonna turn me in?
Capt. Barney Miller : I'm a cop. Times like this, we gotta look out for each other. You can understand that.
Fuzzo : Nick, do me a favor. Call the police barn. Tell 'em we got the horse. And ask 'em to send somebody over to pick it up, and, uh, we have to hold Mr. Fuzzo.
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Mr. Franklin : Hey. Hey, I never saw this woman before in my whole life.
Tracy Gifford : Fuzzo, how's the horsy trade?
Fuzzo : Oh, listen, not bad. How's tricks?
Tracy Gifford : Pretty good.Till lately.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale : Barney, this is Miss Tracy Gifford, who made a call to room service last night about 12:30 from Mr. Franklin's room.
Capt. Barney Miller : Is that true, Miss Gifford?
Tracy Gifford : Yeah, and so far a root beer, and a grilled cheese sandwich is all I got outta this.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale : The waiter recognized the woman as Miss Gifford, as she is a frequent overnight guest at the hotel. I, uh, apprehended Miss Gifford in the hotel bar.
Capt. Barney Miller : Mr. Franklin, is this the woman who assaulted you?
Tracy Gifford : You bet I am.
Capt. Barney Miller : You admit it?
Tracy Gifford : You wanna know what happened?
Capt. Barney Miller : Please.
Tracy Gifford : Okay. Last night, I'm down walking in the park, like I'm apt to do. I sell these buttons. For the bicentennial, for charity. See: "1776 to 1976. We've only just begun." Cute, huh? Anyway, the creep comes up to me and asks me how much for one of my buttons. I tell him the usual price: $60. He asks me if I will deliver it up to his room. So I go up there with the button. Jumping ahead a little, I'm getting ready to leave and I ask him for my money.For the button, for charity.He says, "Try and get it." So I took appropriate measures, which he had it coming.
Capt. Barney Miller : Mr. Franklin, is this substantially what happened?
Mr. Franklin : I was alone.
Tracy Gifford : You deserve to be.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale : Mr. Franklin, if you file a complaint, we can charge Miss Gifford with aggravated assault.
Tracy Gifford : Listen, I could file a few charges of my own, like restraint of trade.
Capt. Barney Miller : I'm afraid that's a little out of our area.
Tracy Gifford : I don't need you. We got a union now.
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Officer Shriker : Is there a Yemana here?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana : Yo.
Officer Shriker : Shriker of the Mounted. I've come for my horse.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana : Your horse is down in back. We got the guy up in front. His name is Fuzzo.
Officer Shriker : His name is garbage when I get through with him.
Capt. Barney Miller : Whoa. What's going on here?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana : Uh, Captain, this is Officer Shriker. He wants his horse. And the guy that took him.
Capt. Barney Miller : Hey, hey, hey, hey. Shriker, I gotta tell you there were some, you know, special circumstances.
Officer Shriker : Yeah, well, in another town, in another time, they'd hang him from a tree.
Capt. Barney Miller : I can understand how you feel.
Officer Shriker : You don't fool with a man's horse.
Capt. Barney Miller : Look... Look, Shriker, uh, Mr. Fuzzo here has a hansom cab, and he needed a horse.
Officer Shriker : Didn't he know that?
Capt. Barney Miller : That... That is, he had a horse, but somebody stole it.
Officer Shriker : Isn't that always the way, huh?
Capt. Barney Miller : Look, Mr. Fuzzo took really good care of your horse. He really did. Why don't you go down back, take a look at it? You'll see.
Officer Shriker : Well...
[whinnies]
Officer Shriker : Okay, I need coolin' out anyway.
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Det. Ron Harris : Man, I'm tellin' you, they can count me out of the next bicentennial. Washington Park look like the bottom of a birdcage.
Capt. Barney Miller : You all right?
Det. Ron Harris : Oh, it was, uh, very inspiring, Captain. All those flags flyin' around, you know? People beatin' up on each other and stuff. I must have made 12 arrests.
Capt. Barney Miller : I hope you didn't bring 'em here.
Det. Ron Harris : I took 'em to Manhattan South. I'm on my way back down there now. The mayor get in and out all right? Well, he got in okay, but he had a little trouble gettin' out. You see, his limousine ran out of gas. He didn't have no money, and wouldn't nobody give him none.
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Elizabeth Miller : Hi.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Hi. Hey, uh, you're sure gettin' into the spirit of things with all those buttons, huh?
Elizabeth Miller : I'm selling them during the bicentennial.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : No kiddin'?
Elizabeth Miller : Yeah.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Oh, well, I'll take a few. Uh, how much for three?
Elizabeth Miller : A hundred and 80 dollars.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : A hundred and 80 dollars.Mm-hm.Hey, Barn, you know what that girl's selling?
Capt. Barney Miller : Yeah. I know what she's selling.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Seems like a lot of money for something you're gonna throw away in a couple weeks.