Barney Miller (TV Series)
Evacuation (1976)
Max Gail: Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz
Photos
Quotes
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Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Boy , you guys aren't going to believe this one. There's 11 million people in this city, right? There's nothing in here on how to get them all out
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Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Well, we're gonna have a hurricane and they're evacuating all the beach areas of Long Island
Det. Ron Harris : It's no wonder man, with all that raw sewage, just hangin' around there off-shore.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : They're expecting 40 foot waves.
Det. Ron Harris : Ooh-whee ! Talk about high-tide.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Harris, suppose all that stuff blew into the harbor and... and got all over Manhattan. That would be a disaster, wouldn't it ?
Det. Ron Harris : Depends upon your point of view.
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Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : A big war, a nuclear war, and we had to evacuate the whole city
Det. Ron Harris : Hey, come on, Wojo, there's not going to be anyway, man. I mean, it just doesn't make any sense economically, psychologically, or geographically
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Okay, it doesn't have to be a war, it could be an earthquake
Det. Ron Harris : It's a pretty slim chance, man
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : But it's a chance, you know Harris, things have a way of happening, just all of a sudden, when... when you least expect it when you least expect it. Right, Fish ?
Det. Phil Fish : Right !
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Officer Callahan : Okay, what's the book say ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : The book don't say nothing about getting people out ! It says to put them down in the subways
Officer Callahan : You can't get no 11 million people in the subways
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana : You can at 5 o' clock
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Capt. Barney Miller : Wojo, Wojo, you're getting obsessed with that. Now, will you put that thing away and get to work on something you can do something about .
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Okay Barn, but I would just like to know the procedures, in case the sirens go off.
Capt. Barney Miller : What siren ? We don't have a siren.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : There's suppose to be a siren up on the roof
Capt. Barney Miller : All right, suppose there is a siren up there and suppose it does go off. Then we will cooperate with the Civil Defense Department, do whatever they say because it is there ball game
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : There is no more Civil Defense Department, Barn. The city couldn't afford to keep it going any longer.
Capt. Barney Miller : All right, y-you've unearthed the problem and you've reported it to your superior officer. Will you let me handle it. File that !
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Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : That -- That siren is suppose to be kept in good working order. It's suppose to be checked once in a while.
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Inspector Frank Luger : Oh, sure. Here it is. Thanks, Wojo. "Procedures in the Event of Civil Disasters" Barney what was I telling you ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : That's just what I was saying to Callahan, a few hours ago
Inspector Frank Luger : Callahan, the big mouth motorcycle cop ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Well, I...
Inspector Frank Luger : Huh ? What, was he in here. Shooting off his face again Huh ? About me and the Cashier in a restaurant over in Bensonhurst ? Well, I want you to know, she's a very nice woman. She's practically separated from her husband too. The big mouth ! That's how all those rumors get start, Barney.
Capt. Barney Miller : Absolutely
Inspector Frank Luger : Thanks Wojo. Can I use the phone in your office Barney ?
Capt. Barney Miller : Be my guest
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Capt. Barney Miller : What the hell is that ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Uh, I guess Beckman fixed the siren.
Capt. Barney Miller : Wonderful -- Just what we need at a time like this.
Beckman : There, I fixed it ! Now, I can't turn it off !
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : I only wanted to know if we had one !
Capt. Barney Miller : All right ! All right ! Go find the master switch and kill it, so you don't panic the whole precinct !
Beckman : I hope your satisfied !
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Hey, it's just rules and regulations !
Capt. Barney Miller : Listen, get on the phone with dispatch. Have them send some patrol cars around the neighborhood with bullhorns telling everybody its a false alarm
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana : I hope your right
Capt. Barney Miller : Creevey, there's no work ! The city has no money ! Will you get out of here !
Det. Ron Harris : Inspector ?
Inspector Frank Luger : Yes
Det. Ron Harris : It's the commissioner , it's for you.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana : Barney ? it's Manhattan South, they say our siren isn't suppose to be on
Capt. Barney Miller : Tell them "No Kidding"
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana : No Kidding !
Capt. Barney Miller : Hello , Hello. This is Captain Miller here, yeah, what ? Yes, I'm fully aware of that. It was unintentional.
Inspector Frank Luger : Well, why is the siren going on Barney ?
Capt. Barney Miller : Unintentional
Inspector Frank Luger : Unintentional, Commissioner.
Capt. Barney Miller : Look at it as an unscheduled test. All right. Relax. Relax. Take it easy. Well, you know, there are 11 million people in this city and if something did go wrong there is no way of getting them out are you aware of that ?
Inspector Frank Luger : Yeah, well we have heard rumors, sir. Huh ? biggies. Yeah. Unfounded. There all unfounded. Thank you, sir.
Capt. Barney Miller : Look it up in your grey book ! Grey book !
Inspector Frank Luger : Panic ? In the City ? Oh, at City Hall . Oh, they all left , huh ? Where they go ? Well, you think you can get them back to us? I -- I certainly hope so, too. Yes, sir. Goodbye
Capt. Barney Miller : Well, get one and read it and learn something !
Inspector Frank Luger : Barney, take it easy. It was all talk. It was just loose talk
Capt. Barney Miller : Sure, this time but someday !
Det. Ron Harris : No sir, don't pay any attention to it. It was a false alarm. Right !
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana : Believe me, there's no trouble it was a mistake. The siren went on and we can't turn it off.
Det. Ron Harris : Sorry ma'am . It was a mistake , Please try to overlook it, okay
Capt. Barney Miller : Twelfth Precinct, Captain Miller speaking...
Inspector Frank Luger : Oh and listen Barney...
Capt. Barney Miller : Hold on, please
Inspector Frank Luger : What I said about me and the cashier over in Bensonhurst-- you know , there's nothing to that. It's unfounded, Barney. It's all unfounded. Keep it under your hat, will you ? Don't say anything about it
Capt. Barney Miller : No Problem.
Inspector Frank Luger : Right. Good, Barn. Thanks. I'll see you around boys.
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Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Barn, did you hear about the tidal wave and earthquake in the Phillipines.
Capt. Barney Miller : Yeah, terrible... terrible
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : It says here that the Chinese got the atomic bomb.
Capt. Barney Miller : Wojo, you're gonna have to learn with one irrevocable fact and that is there is no way to get 11 million people out of the city in a hurry
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Then what are you gonna do ?
Capt. Barney Miller : We just have to hope that mankind never gets to that point in their relationships where they'll allow something to happen. We have to do everything we can do to prevent it.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Okay. What do we do ?
Capt. Barney Miller : Wojo, your making me crazy !