Auf Wiedersehen, Pet (TV Series)

When the Boat Goes Out (1984)

Christopher Fairbank: Albert Moxey

Photos 

Quotes 

• Oz Osborne : Well this is a right puzzler, this one. I don't wanna go back home but I don't really wanna stop here in Germany, especially if I'm just gonna be working with Germans.

  Albert Moxey : I thought you had a wife and a kid though, Oz.

  Bomber Busbridge : Aye, that's why he doesn't wanna go back.

  Oz Osborne : True, true. What about you Moxey, you'll stop here with us, won't you?

  Albert Moxey : Well as much as I like yer, Oz, I can't say I relish the idea of paying tax, like. I mean, when you think about the squalid lifestyle we lead at the moment, it's gonna be even worse wi' less money.

  Bomber Busbridge : Sounds like another boy Blighty-bound, to me.

  Albert Moxey : No way, Bomb, there's even less chance of that happening.

  Oz Osborne : How's that, like?

  Albert Moxey : I've got a record, haven't I. I was in the nick for two years before I come out here.

  Oz Osborne : Yeah?

  Albert Moxey : This was supposed to be me fresh start in life.

  Oz Osborne : Ahh, what did you get locked up for? Eh?

  Albert Moxey : Arson.

  Oz Osborne : Arson?

  Albert Moxey : Yeah I know, I didn't wanna tell you blokes, you know.

  Oz Osborne : Arson?

  Albert Moxey : In case you got worried like, you know, about being in the same hut as me, like. Guess it don't matter now, though.

  Oz Osborne : Arson, eh? And you don't even smoke.

  Bomber Busbridge : Well how did that come about, Mox?

  Albert Moxey : I was working on this building site, you know, back in Liverpool. Bastard site manager had it in for us like, kept docking me wages for no reason. And one day I just lost me rag. I set fire to his hut.

  Oz Osborne : What, was he still in it?

  Albert Moxey : Not for long, no. So there you go. A record for arson. Dodge City address.

  Oz Osborne : Where?

  Albert Moxey : Kirby. I reckon me chances on Merseyside are even worse than Everton's.

  Bomber Busbridge : I see what you mean.

  Oz Osborne : Well. Stop on Moxey, that's the only thing you can do, really.

  Albert Moxey : Yeah I know, Oz but once they get me name down on their forms and their files, only be a matter of time before they find out about me past.

  Oz Osborne : [to Dennis who just entered the room]  Hey Dennis, you'll never guess what. Moxey's an arsonist.

  Dennis Patterson : [to Barman]  Schnapps. Just leave the bottle.

• Oz Osborne : Well I still say we're being treat like shit. I mean, Germany takes us on as cheap labour when their going's good, right, and then what happens? I t cuts up a bit rough for them, and wallop, they wanna dump us overboard, don't they. And it's just so their dole figures'll look alright.

  Neville Hope : We're not being dumped, Oz.

  Oz Osborne : [Sarcastically]  Yeeeah.

  Neville Hope : We're being invited to stop on as long as we pay their tax, that's all. If we don't they'll let one of their lads have our job, it's quite fair enough.

  Oz Osborne : Fa-fair? The words "fair" and "German " don't go together in my book, pal.

  Neville Hope : I've heard you going on about English sites back home man, Oz. Moaning away about the Irish coming over and taking jobs off of our lads and not paying their tax. It's exactly the same here. Only over here we're the Irish, and the Germans are the English.

  Oz Osborne : Well you're right about one thing, Neville. The English have become the Irish of Europe.

  Albert Moxey : Er, no he's wrong there, Oz. The Turks are the Irish of Europe.

  Oz Osborne : How can the Turks be the Irish of Europe when Turkey's not even in Europe, you duck egg? It's in Asia, man.

  Albert Moxey : Oh aye? So how come they sing in the Eurovision Song Contest, then?

  Oz Osborne : Well so do Israel don't they, and they're even farther out of Europe than Turkey.

  Barry Taylor : If you ask me I think we're more like the Gypsys of Europe, ah. Travelling the land in search of employment.

  Oz Osborne : Yes, except that the Gyppos don't graft, do they, eh?

  Neville Hope : You are ridiculous, Oz.

  Oz Osborne : I'm ridic... get this, I'm ridiculous? You're the one stood there with his arm stuck out hoping the sun will make his tattoo go away.

  Barry Taylor : It's very interesting, this is, you know.

  Albert Moxey : Well you could have fooled me.

  Oz Osborne : What is?

  Barry Taylor : This .. this, dissention in the lower ranks. Aye it's a sure sign we're missing our tribal leader, you know. I read about it in The Naked Ape. There's this group of chimpanzees, right, and they were suddenly deprived of their elder stateschimp, with the result that the rest of them took part in several days of fierce squabbling, right. And that's what's happening here. We may not know it, but this is a primitive leadership struggle to see who succeeds Dennis.

  Oz Osborne : Barry, don't take this the wrong way, will you but, why don't you go and boil your head?

  Barry Taylor : I think Oz just made the first bid for the job.