Auf Wiedersehen, Pet (TV Series)

Last Rites (1984)

Jimmy Nail: Oz Osborne

Photos 

Quotes 

• Oz : I've met this Eric. Canny lad, for an Eric.

• Albert Moxey : Hey Oz.

  Oz Osborne : What?

  Albert Moxey : There's uh, something's been bothering us, you know.

  Oz Osborne : What's that?

  Albert Moxey : The videos.

  Oz Osborne : Aye?

  Albert Moxey : How we gonna get 'em back to the UK?

  Oz Osborne : Well we'll just take 'em back w'selves in w' kit when 'we go back.

  Albert Moxey : Oh hey, bit bloody chancy, that. I mean, what we're doing's illegal. We don't have an import licence. Especially don't have an import licence for depraved filth.

  Oz Osborne : Look man, we risk it man, don't we, I mean, the profit makes the risk worthwhile, doesn't it?

  Albert Moxey : They always turn us lot over at customs, especially you with an earring.

  Oz Osborne : Well I'll just take it oot.

  Albert Moxey : No, we're still bait, us lot. Overseas workers, we always are.

  Oz Osborne : Well what about Barry? He can take them in, Barry.

  Albert Moxey : Barry?

  Oz Osborne : Aye.

  Albert Moxey : Smuggling? He'll faint if they so much as look at him.

  Oz Osborne : Aye, it bears thinking about, like.

  Albert Moxey : I mean they've only gotta ask him his date of birth and he'll confess the lot.

• Oz Osborne : Err, listen lads. If youse lot wanna make a bit on the side, maybes you should come in wi' me.

  Dennis Patterson : How d' you mean, like?

  Wayne Norris : Yeah, doin' a bit of moonlighting are you, Oz?

  Oz Osborne : Well, I might have this business proposition, right. See, I've met this Eric. Canny lad .. for an Eric. Anyway, nothing's finalized yet so I can't say too much but if you want in, now's the time to speak up.

  Wayne Norris : Hold on, do you mean speak up, or divvy up, son?

  Oz Osborne : Both, both.

  Dennis Patterson : Well tell us what it is then.

  Oz Osborne : No, I can't yet.

  Neville Hope : Well how are we expected to chip in if you won't explain?

  Oz Osborne : Well that's the whole point man, Neville.

  Neville Hope : Well it escapes me, Oz.

  Oz Osborne : Look, the more you speculate, the more coin you get back on the back end.

  Dennis Patterson : But Oz, we're entitled to know what it is we're speculating in.

  Oz Osborne : Aye, in due course Dennis, when I get everything finalized. But er, well for the moment all I need is your readies, and your trust.

  [Momentary silence] 

  Oz Osborne : Is that asking too much, like?

  Dennis Patterson : Bollocks!

  Oz Osborne : Oh well, suit yourselves, I'll seek investment elsewhere, stuff you lot.

  [Oz exits] 

  Dennis Patterson : Oi, oi, howay at least give us a clue.

  Oz Osborne : [Oz comes back in]  Well its adult, and it's liable to cause offence.

  [Oz exits] 

  Dennis Patterson : It's adult, and liable to cause offence?

  Wayne Norris : [Ponders]  Sounds like Oz.

• Barry Taylor : It's the moral question you have to consider, Oz.

  Oz Osborne : What are you talking about? They've got these in England, you know. And all these so called respectable middle class suburbanites, every Saturday night, stuck round the video with couple of lagers and lime, group sex... it's nae wonder Match of the Day's kaput.

  Albert Moxey : But if they've already got 'em back home... where's our market?

  Oz Osborne : Well they haven't got 'em like the ones you saw, man, they've got porn, fair enough. But not heavy duty porn like the Krauts turn out. I mean, I know people back home, sales managers, even Lord Mayors that would pay well over the odds for what we got w' hands on. I'm telling you, right up their strasse.

  Barry Taylor : I must admit, after what I'd seen you'd be hard pressed to pick up anything like that in the Co-Op in Dudley High Street.

  Oz Osborne : What, you're telling me ! Listen man, what we got w' hands on here is the creme de la creme of filth, you know. And this could just be the start. I mean, we could become world leaders in w' field.

  Albert Moxey : Before we enter into anything of this, er, er... ..

  Barry Taylor : Erm, magnitude?

  Albert Moxey : Magnitude, right. Perhaps we should have another look.