- Captain Peacock: [talking about the menu for Mr. Grainger's anniversary dinner] A main course, which I shall bring up later.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Won't we all?
- Mr. Mash: [announcing Captain Peacock's arrival] Captain Stephen Peacock! RASC, C of E, hero of the Battle of Catterick NAAFI, holder of the Hot Cross Bun and Bar...
- Captain Peacock: [cuts him off in irritation] That will do, Mr Mash.
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: I would ask all those present to ensure that their glasses are fully charged.
- Mrs. Slocombe: [drunk] Oh, mine seems to be empty!
- Mr. Mash: [refilling her glass] God blimey, Mrs Slocombe, you got hollow legs, have ya?
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Well, Mr Humphries, you and I appear to be the only two not dancing.
- Mr. Humphries: [getting up] Well, all right, if you promise not to lead.
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: [shocked] I think we'd better get on with the speeches!
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Mr Mash, my compliments to the trio, and would you ask them to take an interval?
- Mr. Mash: [handing him tray of dirty plates] Certainly, sir.
- [Mr Mash approaches the orchestra]
- Mr. Mash: [yelling] Oi! Jug Ears says belt up for five minutes!
- [Captain Peacock is reading the list of possible entrees for Mr. Grainger's anniversary dinner and voting on what to have for dinner]
- Captain Peacock: Now, roast pheasant would be two pounds per head. Poule rôti...
- Miss Brahms: You what?
- Captain Peacock: Roast chicken. One pound fifty. Steak pie, one pound twenty five. Or macaroni cheese, one pound.
- Mr. Lucas: I vote for macaroni cheese.
- Mrs. Slocombe: [later] We can't give the poor old soul a dinner with macaroni cheese!
- Mr. Lucas: Well he'd prefer it. Once he gets those teeth of his stuck into a pheasant, he'd be here all night.
- Mr. Humphries: If we have the canteen steak pie, we'll all be here all night.
- Miss Brahms: I'll go for the macaroni cheese, meself.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Well, I think we should give him the chicken.
- Captain Peacock: Any other votes for chicken?
- Mr. Humphries: Yes, I'll go for chicken. It goes so well with the cabinet pudding and simulated cream.
- Captain Peacock: Well, I... I favor chicken myself. So that's three votes for chicken, and two for macaroni cheese.
- Mr. Humphries: And the steak pie loses its deposit.
- Captain Peacock: So. ah... that means we have chicken. That will be ah... one pound fifty per head.
- Mr. Grainger: I do hope we're not going to have steak pie. I'm travelling home on a non-corridor train.
- Mr. Grainger: [making a speech] Dear friends, my heart is very full.
- Mrs. Slocombe: [turns her champagne glass over] My glass is very empty.
- Mrs. Slocombe: And where is madam going for her honeymoon?
- The Bridal Veil: Well, we're torn between Eastbourne and Brighton.
- Mrs. Slocombe: It is difficult to make up one's mind, isn't it?
- The Bridal Veil: It is.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Why not compromise and try Beachy Head?
- Mr. Humphries: Mr. Grainger, whatever's the matter? You look as though you've seen a ghost.
- Mr. Grainger: I... I heard the cuckoo in Mr. Rumbold's office.
- Mr. Lucas: What, third of March? You'd better write a letter to The Times.
- Mr. Grainger: It was a cuckoo clock!
- Mr. Humphries: Glass of water for Mr. Grainger.
- Mr. Lucas: Glass of water coming up.
- [first lines]
- Captain Peacock: Can I help you, Sir?
- The Check Jacket: Ah, yes. Would you show me some sports jackets, please?
- Captain Peacock: I won't personally, Sir. But I'll summon our senior assistant to attend to your wishes. Mr. Grainger, are you free?
- Mr. Grainger: Oh, yes, I'm free.
- Mr. Grainger: Yes, I would think a forty four. Wouldn't you Mr. Humphries?
- Mr. Humphries: Certainly, Mr. Grainger. A forty four. Don't you think so, Mr. Lucas?
- Mr. Lucas: I hope so, we haven't got anything bigger.
- Mr. Grainger: Yes, err, this range is in pushcon, isn't it, Mr. Humphries?
- Mr. Humphries: Right first time, Mr. Grainger. Thirty five percent wool, thirty five percent pushcon.
- The Check Jacket: Well, that only makes seventy percent.
- Mr. Humphries: Yes, well, there's a lot of air between the fibers, Sir. Allows the fabric to breathe. Isn't that right, Mr. Lucas?
- Mr. Lucas: Quite right, Mr. Humphries. If you listen quietly, you can hear it, you know.
- Mr. Humphries: Thank you, Mr. Lucas.
- Mr. Lucas: We've got a whole cupboard full over there, panting for breath.
- Mr. Grainger: What do you think, Mr. Humphries?
- Mr. Humphries: Well, it's err... nice and snug at the front.
- Mr. Grainger: It's very snug indeed.
- Mr. Humphries: Why don't you have a look at the back?
- Mr. Lucas: Yes, I'm sure the back is snug as well.
- Mrs. Slocombe: [putting the Bridal Veil on the customer's head] There. How's that?
- The Bridal Veil: It's a bit thick, isn't it?
- Mrs. Slocombe: Well, it looks lovely from our side.
- The Bridal Veil: I can't see.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Well, you'll have someone holding your arm.
- The Bridal Veil: But he won't recognize me.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Well, he'll know your voice, won't he?
- Miss Brahms: Think of the surprise he's gonna get when he lifts it up.
- Mrs. Slocombe: That'll do, Miss Brahms.
- Mr. Mash: Psst! Oi!
- Mrs. Slocombe: Is that the way you usually attract a lady's attention, Mr. Mash?
- Mr. Mash: No. Usually, I go up from behind and go... way-hey-hey!
- Mr. Mash: 'Ere y'are, six pairs of tights... and six pairs of Pussy Boots.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Six pairs of what?
- Mr. Mash: Pussy Boots. Fur slippers. And we got a new sales gimmick as well for 'em. Here you are. Look at that.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Whatever's that?
- Mr. Mash: One electric pussy. Battery operated.
- Captain Peacock: Mr. Humphries, are you free?
- Mr. Humphries: Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.
- Captain Peacock: Mr. Lucas, are you free?
- Mr. Lucas: Err, yes, I think I am free at this precise moment, Captain Peacock.
- Mr. Lucas: Never mind, Shirley. You and me can share the wishbone.
- Mr. Humphries: I know what you're going to wish for.
- Miss Brahms: And even if he wins, he won't get it!
- Captain Peacock: Now, as regards to dress, I think, err, black tie.
- Mr. Humphries: What? And nothing else?
- Mr. Humphries: [in deep voice] Menswear...
- [to Mr. Grainger]
- Mr. Humphries: Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
- Mr. Grainger: Yes, I'm free.
- Mr. Humphries: You're wanted in Mr. Rumbold's office.
- Mrs. Slocombe: [drunk] Well, Captain Peacock, it looks at though we're going to be able to trip the tight lanfastic.
- Captain Peacock: I beg your pardon?
- Mr. Humphries: She wants you to rip her tight elastic.
- [Mrs. Slocombe laughs]
- Captain Peacock: Er, perhaps you'd better sit down, Mrs. Slocombe; we're starting in less than an hour...
- Mr. Grainger: [to Mrs. Grainger] They've got an orchestra. Mr. Fredericks didn't have an orchestra. Perhaps we'll be able to do the Gay Gordons.
- Mr. Humphries: That should round the evening off nicely.
- Miss Brahms: Look, if you're going to dance with your hand down there, I'm gonna sit down.
- Mr. Lucas: You've got plenty to sit on.
- Miss Brahms: Do you mind, it's my best feature.
- Mr. Humphries: You know what they say about vodka, Mrs Slocombe? One's all right, two's the most, three, under the table, four, under the host.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Ooh! Oh, Mr. Humphries, what will you say next?
- Mr. Humphries: Mr. Rumbold's the host.
- Mr. Grainger: You know, as I look back over the years, they all seem to have passed very quickly. But I shall always have very happy recollections of you all.
- Young Mr. Grace: You've all done very well.
- Captain Peacock, Miss Brahms, Mrs. Slocombe, Mr. Humphries, Mr. Grainger, Mr. Lucas, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold, Mr. Mash: Thank you, Mr. Grace.
- [last lines]
- Captain Peacock, Mrs. Slocombe, Miss Brahms, Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas, Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold, Mr. Mash, Mrs. Grainger: For he's a jolly good fellow, and so say all of us.
- Captain Peacock: [looking at the remains of the Pussy boots display model, which has just exploded] Mr. Mash, take it to the vet!
- Captain Peacock: The group is coming up in the other lift.
- Miss Brahms: Oh, good. Who've we got, the New Seekers?
- [a group of older ladies holding string instruments emerges from the lift]
- Mr. Lucas: I don't think it's the New Seekers, love. More like the Old Knockers.