Are You Being Served? (TV Series)

The Clock (1974)

Mollie Sugden: Mrs. Slocombe

Photos 

Quotes 

• Captain Peacock : [talking about the menu for Mr. Grainger's anniversary dinner]  A main course, which I shall bring up later.

  Mrs. Slocombe : Won't we all?

• Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : I would ask all those present to ensure that their glasses are fully charged.

  Mrs. Slocombe : [drunk]  Oh, mine seems to be empty!

  Mr. Mash : [refilling her glass]  God blimey, Mrs Slocombe, you got hollow legs, have ya?

• [Captain Peacock is reading the list of possible entrees for Mr. Grainger's anniversary dinner and voting on what to have for dinner] 

  Captain Peacock : Now, roast pheasant would be two pounds per head. Poule rôti...

  Miss Brahms : You what?

  Captain Peacock : Roast chicken. One pound fifty. Steak pie, one pound twenty five. Or macaroni cheese, one pound.

  Mr. Lucas : I vote for macaroni cheese.

  Mrs. Slocombe : [later]  We can't give the poor old soul a dinner with macaroni cheese!

  Mr. Lucas : Well he'd prefer it. Once he gets those teeth of his stuck into a pheasant, he'd be here all night.

  Mr. Humphries : If we have the canteen steak pie, we'll all be here all night.

  Miss Brahms : I'll go for the macaroni cheese, meself.

  Mrs. Slocombe : Well, I think we should give him the chicken.

  Captain Peacock : Any other votes for chicken?

  Mr. Humphries : Yes, I'll go for chicken. It goes so well with the cabinet pudding and simulated cream.

  Captain Peacock : Well, I... I favor chicken myself. So that's three votes for chicken, and two for macaroni cheese.

  Mr. Humphries : And the steak pie loses its deposit.

  Captain Peacock : So. ah... that means we have chicken. That will be ah... one pound fifty per head.

• Mr. Grainger : [making a speech]  Dear friends, my heart is very full.

  Mrs. Slocombe : [turns her champagne glass over]  My glass is very empty.

• Mrs. Slocombe : And where is madam going for her honeymoon?

  The Bridal Veil : Well, we're torn between Eastbourne and Brighton.

  Mrs. Slocombe : It is difficult to make up one's mind, isn't it?

  The Bridal Veil : It is.

  Mrs. Slocombe : Why not compromise and try Beachy Head?

• Mrs. Slocombe : [putting the Bridal Veil on the customer's head]  There. How's that?

  The Bridal Veil : It's a bit thick, isn't it?

  Mrs. Slocombe : Well, it looks lovely from our side.

  The Bridal Veil : I can't see.

  Mrs. Slocombe : Well, you'll have someone holding your arm.

  The Bridal Veil : But he won't recognize me.

  Mrs. Slocombe : Well, he'll know your voice, won't he?

  Miss Brahms : Think of the surprise he's gonna get when he lifts it up.

  Mrs. Slocombe : That'll do, Miss Brahms.

• Mr. Mash : Psst! Oi!

  Mrs. Slocombe : Is that the way you usually attract a lady's attention, Mr. Mash?

  Mr. Mash : No. Usually, I go up from behind and go... way-hey-hey!

• Mr. Mash : 'Ere y'are, six pairs of tights... and six pairs of Pussy Boots.

  Mrs. Slocombe : Six pairs of what?

  Mr. Mash : Pussy Boots. Fur slippers. And we got a new sales gimmick as well for 'em. Here you are. Look at that.

  Mrs. Slocombe : Whatever's that?

  Mr. Mash : One electric pussy. Battery operated.

• Mrs. Slocombe : [drunk]  Well, Captain Peacock, it looks at though we're going to be able to trip the tight lanfastic.

  Captain Peacock : I beg your pardon?

  Mr. Humphries : She wants you to rip her tight elastic.

  [Mrs. Slocombe laughs] 

  Captain Peacock : Er, perhaps you'd better sit down, Mrs. Slocombe; we're starting in less than an hour...

• Mr. Humphries : You know what they say about vodka, Mrs Slocombe? One's all right, two's the most, three, under the table, four, under the host.

  Mrs. Slocombe : Ooh! Oh, Mr. Humphries, what will you say next?

  Mr. Humphries : Mr. Rumbold's the host.

• Young Mr. Grace : You've all done very well.

  Captain Peacock , Miss Brahms , Mrs. Slocombe , Mr. Humphries , Mr. Grainger , Mr. Lucas , Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold , Mr. Mash : Thank you, Mr. Grace.

• [last lines] 

  Captain Peacock , Mrs. Slocombe , Miss Brahms , Mr. Humphries , Mr. Lucas , Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold , Mr. Mash , Mrs. Grainger : For he's a jolly good fellow, and so say all of us.