Are You Being Served? (TV Series)

His and Her's (1973)

Arthur Brough: Mr. Grainger

Photos 

Quotes 

• Mr. Ernest Grainger : [Mr. Rumbold has just informed the staff that Mr. Grainger's central trouser display was removed to make way for a new perfume display] 

  Mr. Ernest Grainger : Do you mean we're going to sell scent?

  Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Yes, you could put it like that.

  Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : Well, if it's scent, why don't you clear some counter space in the ladies' department?

  Mr. Ernest Grainger : Precisely. Mrs. Slocombe is already displaying far too much underwear.

  Mrs. Betty Slocombe : Are you suggesting, Mr. Grainger, that I should remove my underwear and put perfume there instead?

  Mr. Ernest Grainger : Are you suggesting that I should remove my trousers and put perfume there instead?

• Mr. Ernest Grainger : I shall take no part in it!

  Mr. Lucas : Ha, ha! Mutiny on the counter!

  Captain Peacock : Now, come, come, Mr. Grainger, that's not like you.

  Mr. Ernest Grainger : Well, even in the French Revolution, the victims weren't expected to chop off their own heads.

  Captain Peacock : I'm sure it won't come to that, Mr. Grainger.

  Mr. Ernest Grainger : Nevertheless, my staff will not cooperate in the outfitting of that stand.

  Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : I'm behind you, Mr. Grainger.

  Mr. Lucas : And I'm behind, Mr. Humphries. Yes, unless Captain Peacock says I mustn't be behind Mr. Humphries. In which case, I'm behind Mr. Rumbold.

• Mr. Lucas : That must be the salesgirl from His and Her's. She's a bit of a turn-on, isn't she?

  Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : That's all you think about.

  [points to his head] 

  Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : It's all up here, you know.

  Mr. Lucas : Not one hundred percent, it's not.

  Mr. Ernest Grainger : Who is that young lady engaging Captain Peacock in conversation?

  Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : It's the girl from His and Her's.

  Mr. Ernest Grainger : Oh. Oh, then I think we'd better ignore her.

  Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : Mr. Lucas is trying, but he's not doing very well at the moment.

  Mr. Lucas : Just my luck isn't it, for a bird like that to sail into my life on a Thursday? Look at that! One lousy quid. Where can you take a bird like that on one quid?

  Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : You can buy her six penneth of worms, and take her for a walk along the canal bank with your bent pin.

• Miss French : Have you a changing room I could use?

  Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : A changing room?

  Mr. Ernest Grainger : Are you having any difficulties, Mr. Humphries?

  Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : Not yet, Mr. Grainger. This young lady wanted to use one of our changing rooms.

  Mr. Ernest Grainger : May I enquire for what purpose?

  Miss French : Would you believe to change?

  Mr. Ernest Grainger : I don't like the tone of your voice. And our changing rooms are not for the use of the female staff.

  Miss French : Oh, all right, then. Have it your own way.

  [takes off her coat and skirt, briefly revealing pantyhose and lingerie, and puts on a very short jumper] 

  Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : [as Mr. Grainger looks shocked and offended and Mr. Lucas as his eyes wide open and glued to Miss French's legs]  A glass of water for Mr. Grainger. And a tranquilizer for Mr. Lucas!

• Mr. Ernest Grainger : I think you'll find that will fall into your shape, Sir. And don't worry about the sleeves. They'll ride up with wear.

  Mr. Lucas : And don't worry about the color being too bright. It will wash out in the rain.

• Mr. Ernest Grainger : Mr. Humphries, are you free?

  Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : Well, I was just having a chat to Mr. Lucas, Mr Grainger. But I am free, aren't I, Mr. Lucas?

  Mr. Lucas : Oh, yes, you're free, Mr. Humphries.

• Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : Mr. Lucas, are you free?

  Mr. Lucas : Yes, yes, I'm free, Mr. Humphries.

  Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : Mr. Grainger was just observing the young lady on the centre stand and was wondering what's on the cards.

  Mr. Lucas : Well, at his time of life, very little, I should think.

  Mr. Ernest Grainger : The print, Mr. Lucas.

  Mr. Lucas : Ah, yes.

  [reads] 

  Mr. Lucas : "With every bottle of His perfume you purchase, you get a free tie".

• Mr. Ernest Grainger : For once, I entirely agree with you, Mrs. Slocombe.

• Mrs. Betty Slocombe : You've got to put something under them to get them going.

  Mr. Ernest Grainger : I've found that myself, lately.

• Mr. Ernest Grainger : "Will no one rid me of this meddlesome priest?".

  Mr. Lucas : I beg your pardon, Mr. Grainger?

  Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : Mr. Grainger's quoting from "Henry II", when he wanted to bump off Beckett.

  Miss Shirley Brahms : Oh, not my nice Mr. Beckett from Hardware?

  Mrs. Betty Slocombe : No, no, no. Mr. Grainger played Beckett in Grace Brothers' production of "Murder In The Cathedral".

  Mr. Lucas : I'm sorry I missed that.

  Mrs. Betty Slocombe : Mr. Grainger was very good, in spite of his gammy leg.

  Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : He fell of the cathedral steps, and Mr. Rumbold and the lads had to murder him in the front row of the stalls.

  Mr. Ernest Grainger : It was a very good round of applause.

  Miss Shirley Brahms : [about Miss French]  Are you suggesting then that we should stab her in the staff canteen?

• Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Please, please, please! Let's marshal all our facts, and find out precisely why this young lady left. Now, first of all, whose finger was it on the button that ruined the tape?

  Captain Peacock : Well, it was my finger, but it...

  Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : No, no, no, no. Just the facts. Now, how did the other voice come into it?

  Mr. Lucas : Well, I was talking through my hat, Sir.

  Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Could you be more explicit?

  Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : Well, there was a microphone in his hat, Sir.

  Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : I see. Why?

  Mr. Lucas : Ah, well... You see, Mr. Grainger said, "Will no one rid me of this meddlesome priest?".

  Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Did you say that, Mr. Grainger?

  Mr. Ernest Grainger : Well, actually, Henry the Second said it.

  Mrs. Betty Slocombe : Perhaps I can explain. It wasn't Mr. Grainger who said it in the play, it was Becket. You remember, Mr. Rumbold, he got stabbed in the orchestra stalls.

  Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : That's why he got such a good round of applause.

  Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Now, I may be dense... but has the play got to do with this girl leaving?

  Mr. Lucas : Ah, well, you see, Mr. Grainger drew our attention to the fact that Henry the Second wanted to get rid of Becket.

  Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Becket?

  Miss Shirley Brahms : Not Beckett from Hardware, no.