- Mrs. Slocombe: I won't forget being thrown flat on my back on Clapham Common by a landmine. And the German Air Force was responsible!
- Mr. Lucas: All the other times she was flat on her back, the American Air Force was responsible.
- [on having to stay for a meeting after working hours]
- Mrs. Slocombe: You know, this sort of thing just isn't fair on my pussy. She has a go at the furniture if I'm not there prompt.
- Mr. Grainger: I can't wait more than ten minutes because I'm having a bath tonight.
- Mr. Humphries: Oh, it's treats!
- Mr. Grainger: Well, I can't get the old boiler working very often.
- Mr. Lucas: Having a bath with Mrs. Grainger, are you?
- Mr. Grainger: I don't find that amusing!
- Mr. Lucas: Come to think of it, neither would I.
- Mrs. Slocombe: I'm not selling German sex knickers!
- Captain Peacock: "Sechs", Mrs. Slocombe, is the word they use in Germany for six.
- Miss Brahms: Oh, and what do they use for sex?
- Mr. Mash: Same as they use everywhere else.
- Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold: Oh, where are we in our conference?
- Mr. Humphries: Mrs. Slocombe was remembering being flat on her back on Clapham Common.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Can we knock it off, please?
- Mr. Lucas: She even remembers what she said!
- [Mr Lucas is watching Captain Peacock deal with a lady customer in a very low cut dress]
- Captain Peacock: [finding it hard to look her in the face] Good morning, Madam. Are you being served?
- The Lady for the Ladies': Just having a look.
- Mr. Lucas: [to Mr Humphries] So's he!
- Mrs. Slocombe: You know, there's only two things I like about Germany: Curt Jurgens and Gorgonzola.
- Miss Brahms: Gorgonzola isn't German!
- Mrs. Slocombe: Oh. Then there's only one thing I like... No! I tell a lie. I like Irving Berlin!
- Mr. Lucas: Here, listen to this, you'll never guess what the German word for "cuff links" is.
- Mr. Humphries: What?
- Mr. Lucas: "Manschettenknöpfe."
- Mr. Humphries: I don't expect they'll sell many with a name like that.
- Mr. Grainger: This is a funny name for a sweater. "Mit der Hand gewaschen"?
- Captain Stephen Peacock: That means "wash by hand".
- Mr. Lucas: It's a good thing you parley the Deutsch, Capt. Peacock.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: I had to study it during the war, you know.
- Mr. Mash: "Ausfahrt."
- Captain Stephen Peacock: I beg your pardon?
- Mr. Mash: "Ausfahrt." What's that mean, then?
- Captain Stephen Peacock: The way out, Mr. Mash, and I suggest you take that one, as we open in a few moments.
- [discussing the German signs]
- Mrs. Slocombe: One dear old lady customer of mine got a terrible shock. She was caught short and walked straight through the door marked "Herren".
- Captain Peacock: You should have directed her to the door marked "Damen".
- Mrs. Slocombe: I didn't have time. She saw the word "Her" and was off!
- Mr. Grainger: And I'm here to tell you that she won't make the same mistake again.