- Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, Captain Peacock. I wonder if you'd run an eye over my chits? I keep totting them up wrong and your maths is better than mine.
- Mr. Humphries: [hangs up phone] Mr. Lucas?
- Mr. Lucas: What's up?
- Mr. Humphries: You're wanted in the office.
- Mr. Lucas: What for?
- Mr. Humphries: Someone has seen you smoking. And as your senior here, I should have told you to put it out.
- Mr. Rumbold: [watching in his office on surveillance camera] Quite right, Humphries! Good man.
- Mr. Humphries: You never know when old jug-ears is snooping round.
- [Mr. Clegg takes Miss Brahms' handbag for inspection]
- Mr. Clegg: Would you mind opening it for me please?
- Miss Shirley Brahms: All that's in here is my working bra.
- [Mr. Clegg draws out a brassiere]
- Mr. Lucas: Do you mean the other one doesn't work?
- [first lines]
- Mrs. Slocombe: There you are, Madam, plenty of give in the leg and completely draught proof.
- Underwear Customer: No, I don't think I fancy them.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Very few people do... But they're very practical in this chilly weather. Of course, it's for Madam to decide.
- Miss Shirley Brahms: Honestly, I can't understand why people want to buy old-fashioned underwear like this. I mean, that's not gonna turn her old man on, is it?
- Mrs. Slocombe: Perhaps she wants to turn him off.
- Captain Stephen Peacock: Mr. Humphries, have you the time?
- Mr. Humphries: It depends on what you have in mind, Captain Peacock.
- Mr. Rumbold: [talking about shoplifting in the store] Only this morning, Mrs. Slocombe informed me that she'd had a skirt lifted.
- Mr. Humphries: Some people have all the luck.
- Mr. Rumbold: And I seem to remember Miss Brahms lost something last week.
- Mr. Lucas: It wasn't me.
- Mr. Humphries: Do you know, only the other day, a customer reached across the counter and put his hands in my Fair Isle drawers. He said he was going to pay.
- Mr. Rumbold: Yes, well, I've got a man to handle that sort of thing.
- Mr. Humphries: Oh, nice.
- Mr. Clegg: [to Mr. Humphries] Excuse me, Sir, what's that suspicious looking bulge?
- Mr. Humphries: I beg your pardon?
- Mr. Clegg: In your pocket, Sir. - May I see it, please?
- Mr. Humphries: [to Mr. Lucas] Shouldn't he have a search warrant?
- Mr. Lucas: Why? It's never bothered you before.
- Miss Shirley Brahms: [to Captain Peacock] You ought to have 'em cut off.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Have what cut off?
- Miss Shirley Brahms: His hands. He's like an octopus. - They're all over the place.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, I know, and so cold.
- Mr. Lucas: Are you free, Mr. Humphries? A raincoat and some underwear. We can manage that, Mr. Humphries, can we?
- [last lines]
- Mr. Lucas: [about Miss Brahm's having the measles] Marvelous, isn't it? The one night my mother's away, and she has to go and get measles. Just my luck! I haven't had it.
- Mr. Humphries: The way things are going, you're not going to get it. I say, you haven't handled her recently, have you?
- Mr. Lucas: Well, I've just given her a peck on the neck that's all, when I set the plan up. Why? I mean, you don't think, I...
- Mr. Humphries: I was going to ask you out for a drink, but on second thoughts, good night.
- Mr. Rumbold: [Watching the CCTV from his office] Mrs. Slocombe's come back at last! Make a note, make a note! Four visits to the powder room!
- The secretary: [Wearily] Yes, sir...
- Mr. Rumbold: Grainger's eating a pie, now - a PORK pie!
- The secretary: [Writing it down] Pork Pie...
- Mr. Rumbold: It's amazing what you can see with this thing!
- The secretary: Mmm. About the only thing you haven't spotted so far is a shoplifter!
- Captain Stephen Peacock: [Mash walks by wearing a suit instead of his work uniform, pushing a cart of dresses] Mr. Mash!
- Mr. Mash: Yes, Captain?
- Captain Stephen Peacock: You are not supposed to be on the floor after 9:30.
- Mr. Mash: Yeah, well, I was putting me best suit on, you see, sir. You gotta look good for the telly, ain't ya?
- [Looks around]
- Mr. Mash: Where's the camera, then?
- Captain Stephen Peacock: [to the CCTV camera with a dramatic gesture, because he knows Mr. Rumbold's watching them] Be off with you, Mr. Mash! I don't want to have to tell you again!
- Mr. Mash: I like that! That was very good!
- [Imitates him]
- Mr. Mash: "Be off with you!"
- [Normal voice]
- Mr. Mash: Here, you wanna do it once more in case he missed it? Sort of an action replay, you know.
- [nudges him]
- Mr. Mash: Go on, go on, go on, go on!
- Captain Stephen Peacock: [to the camera] Please leave the floor!
- Mr. Mash: [Salutes. To the camera] Certainly, Captain Peacock!
- [tries to hurry off the floor before he gets in trouble and knocks a display over with the cart]
- Captain Stephen Peacock: [to the camera] NOW look what Mr. Mash has done!
- Mrs. Slocombe: [Everyone is hesitating to confront the suspicious-looking man] Oh, you're as weak as water! WEAK AS WATER!
- [Marches over, display bust in hand]
- Captain Stephen Peacock: Be careful!
- Mrs. Slocombe: Hey, you!
- [Smashes it over the man's head and he falls to the floor]
- Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, his mustache has come off...
- Miss Shirley Brahms: [Sees who was under the false hair] Oh! It's the store detective!
- Captain Stephen Peacock: [addresses the CCTV camera] I did advise caution!
- Mr. Rumbold: Let's see what's going on.
- [Turns on the CCTV for the first time, only to catch Miss Brahms just finishing the act of pulling up her tights]
- Mr. Mash: [laughs] Hey, we just missed THEM going on, didn't we?
- Mr. Rumbold: What you do outside here is no concern of mine. I just don't want to see you smoking on the Floor!
- Mr. Lucas: Oh, don't worry, you won't see me again, sir. Which part of the floor can't you see, from up here?
- Mr. Humphries: Are you sure we're safe here?
- Mr. Lucas: Lower your voice!
- Mr. Humphries: [Misunderstands, drops his pitch an octave] Are you sure we're safe here?
- Mr. Lucas: Poor Mr. Rumbold. It won't seem the same without him.
- Mr. Humphries: He's not as bad as all that, is he? Although, I have seen that look before.
- Mr. Lucas: You don't think he knows, and is just bravely hiding it from us?
- Mr. Humphries: No, not him. He'd come out and make an announcement.