- Mortimer Phelps: Cousin Itt? From, eh, who's side of the family?
- Morticia Addams: He's from both sides of the family. He hasn't quite found himself.
- Gomez Addams: And with Cousin Itt, that's not easy. He looks the same from every angle.
- Morticia Addams: [to Cousin Itt] Inside you're all heart.
- Gomez Addams: Quite a combination: inside all heart, outside all hair.
- Morticia Addams: [getting carried away while playing a young married couple with problems] I'm going to my room.
- Gomez Addams: I'll go with you...
- Morticia Addams: No thank you! I'd rather be alone. I'm going to finish reading War and Peace.
- Gomez Addams: What page are you on?
- Morticia Addams: Twelve!
- Gomez Addams: [snaps his fingers] Carida, Cousin Itt would make a great undercover agent. Special Agent 298.
- Morticia Addams: No.
- Gomez Addams: 598? Think about all those beautiful women.
- Morticia Addams: Darling, Cousin Itt is probably bored by beautiful women.
- Morticia Addams: But just on a first impression, where would you say that Cousin Itt belongs?
- Mortimer Phelps: In a mattress.
- Gomez Addams: Forgive me, cara mia, I've been a cad and a fool.
- Morticia Addams: No, just a cad. I've been a fool, sending you on your bare feet without a thought of your sinuses.
- Morticia Addams: Poor Cousin Itt, he's so nervous he went up in the treehouse with Uncle Fester.
- Gomez Addams: I hope a passing eagle doesn't snatch him up.
- Morticia Addams: Oh dear, he would make good nesting material, wouldn't he?
- Gomez Addams: [looking down at Itt, who's slept through Morticia's festive hat dance] We've entertained some pretty cold audiences but at least they didn't fall asleep. They had the decency to walk out.
- Morticia Addams: Darling, we must think of a way to help Cousin Itt.
- Gomez Addams: We'd better. He's threatening to go to the south seas and become a beachcomber.
- Morticia Addams: Oh, we can't let that happen. He'd never get the sand out of his hair.
- Morticia Addams: Voilá! I have it.
- Gomez Addams: Tish, that's French.
- Morticia Addams: Darling, please, let me tell you my idea.
- Gomez Addams: [leering] Let me tell ya mine.
- Morticia Addams: I have the perfect career for Cousin Itt - marriage counselor.
- Gomez Addams: Isn't he a bit inexperienced?
- Morticia Addams: So is the hangman till his first job.
- Morticia Addams: Good afternoon, Dr. Itt, we're a young married couple and we have a problem.
- Cousin Itt: D'ya d'yeh dih dium d'oh.
- Gomez Addams: Whadda you mean you're too busy to see us? We need help.
- Morticia Addams: [warningly] Henry...!
- Gomez Addams: Tish, when you laugh it drives me wild!
- Morticia Addams: [as Gomez kisses his way up her arm] Darling, please, we're two other people.
- Morticia Addams: Obviously being a marriage counselor isn't his cup of tea.
- Gomez Addams: Perhaps his cup of tea is failure.
- Morticia Addams: That's what they used to say about old Cornelius Addams - and they were right - but not about Cousin Itt. He's different.
- Mortimer Phelps: [to Itt] Now I'll say a word and you say whatever pops into your mind. Uh... bird.
- Gomez Addams: Vulture.
- Morticia Addams: Molting.
- Gomez Addams: Mating.
- Morticia Addams: Nesting.
- Gomez Addams: Billing.
- Morticia Addams: Cooing.
- Gomez Addams: Lips.
- Morticia Addams: Red.
- Gomez Addams: Kiss me!
- Mortimer Phelps: Please! Now, I will not tolerate any more interruptions.
- Gomez Addams: Really, old man, you don't understand true love when you see it.
- Morticia Addams: What do we always do when we have an insurmountable problem?
- Gomez Addams: Give up.
- Morticia Addams: Not always.
- Gomez Addams: Fester, you can't hurry science.
- Morticia Addams: After all, Madam Curie didn't invent the cotton gin in minutes.
- Mortimer Phelps: Now, you may not realize it, but Cousin Itt is no ordinary person.
- Gomez Addams: Course not. He's got an I.Q. of 320 - and that's without his shoes on.