- Gomez Addams: How long have you owned the circus?
- Oscar Webber: Oh, I bought it three years ago, but this past season everything's gone wrong. The fat lady fell in love. Couldn't eat. Couldn't sleep. Lost two hundred and forty pounds.
- Gomez Addams: That could be noticeable.
- Oscar Webber: Then Marvin the midget... He got himself on a vitamin kick. Little punk started growing again.
- Gomez Addams: Oh, no.
- Oscar Webber: Yeah. I went along with it for awhile, but when he hit five feet eight, I had to fire him.
- Gomez Addams: Five feet eight. Had you thought of billing him as the world's tallest midget?
- Morticia Addams: [observing Gorgo] You know, I've been watching him play with Pugsley. They've been racing to the top of that tree. Pugsley's won every time.
- Gomez Addams: A true Addams. Of course, the boy has an advantage: Gorgo can't hang by his teeth like our son can.
- Morticia Addams: I know the effect you have on the opposite sex.
- Gomez Addams: Sometimes it frightens me.
- Morticia Addams: I live in constant fear that some woman will steal you away from me.
- Gomez Addams: Banish the fear, mi querida. You are the only cactus in the garden of my life.
- Pugsley Addams: I'd rather know Gorgo. I've got lots of people-friends, but I don't know one gorilla.
- Morticia Addams: Darling, being married to you makes me the world's most fortunate woman.
- Gomez Addams: You always were so frank.