'Allo 'Allo! (TV Series)

Pigeon Post (1984)

Gorden Kaye: René Artois

Photos 

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  René Artois : My name is Rene, this is my cafe. But at the moment, my life is one big problem. You see, I have to be nice to the Germans. They are my customers, they are winning the war, so if I am not nice to them, they will shoot me. I have to be nice to The Resistance.

  Edith Artois : Otherwise they will shoot him for being nice to the Germans!

  [his wife Edith leaves] 

  René Artois : I have to be nice to my wife because if she finds out I'm having an affair with Yvette, she will shoot me. If Yvette finds out I'm having an affair with Maria, she will shoot me. Now, Otto Flick, the Gestapo officer, is having dinner in the back room. Upstairs are two German officers in their underwear because I have borrowed their uniforms to help two British airmen to escape. The pianist over there is in fact a forger for The Maquis. And the German officer at that table...

  [Camera pans over to Lt. Gruber, who smiles at Rene] 

  René Artois : ...fancies me. And it is only Tuesday.

• Michelle Dubois : You, Rene, will write a description of the uniforms we require. Here is the paper supplied with the cylinder.

  René Artois : What shall I say?

  Michelle Dubois : To London: Please supply urgently by parachute drop at your earliest convenience, German uniforms as follows: One colonel in Resource Regiment with the following medals...

  René Artois : Just a moment, please! How am I supposed to get all that on this little bit of paper?

  Michelle Dubois : With very small writing.