Tom Dobbs:
[
quoting Benjamin Franklin] Politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently, and for the same reason.
[
from trailer]
Tom Dobbs:
[
to group of reporters] I did inhale because I thought 'What the hell, it's lit, it's in my hand, I'll inhale it.'
Tom Dobbs:
When I was a young boy I used to look at pictures of naked ladies, hence my right hand is very strong. I touched myself more than a third base coach.
Tom Dobbs:
HAL decided it liked me.
Tom Dobbs:
People say Intelligent Design, we must teach Intelligent Design. Look at the human body, is that intelligent? You have a waste processing plant next to a recreation area.
[
from trailer]
Tom Dobbs:
[
at a presidental debate] If you're representing special interest groups, maybe we should be like NASCAR with the little patches on the back: 'Enron: We take your money and run!'
[
from trailer]
Tom Dobbs:
[
at a presidental debate] You want an amendment against same sex marriage! Anyone who's ever been married knows it's always the same sex!
Tom Dobbs:
The president wants to pass an amendment banning same-sex marriage. Anybody who's been married knows it's always the same sex!
Eddie Langston:
[
referring to Senator Mills in the debate] This guy smiles so much, it's starting to upset me.
Senator Mills:
I support hydrogen cars...
Tom Dobbs:
That's weird, because you're backed by oil companies.
Tom Dobbs:
How many analogies do you have left?
Jack Menken:
How many does it take to make my point?
Eddie Langston:
There seems to be a link between smoking and heart disease. Or am I just making that up?
Tom Dobbs:
This makes golf look like porn.
Tom Dobbs:
We'll pay for your Viagra but not for your glasses. That way, you get a hard-on but can't see where to put it!
Tom Dobbs:
HMOs will pay for your Viagra, but they won't pay for your glasses. So you can have a hard-on, but you can't see where to put it.
Tom Dobbs:
NASA spent 30 Million dollars creating the pen that would write upside down in space. Did you know that? The Russians, how ever, were able to solve this problem with
[
imitating]
Tom Dobbs:
Five cent pencil! Writes right side up, writes up-side down. After five quarts of vodka, is still writing!
Eddie Langston:
He's in the debate?
Hemmings:
Will you be disappointed to be going back to television after this ride?
Eddie Langston:
Oh, no. I have a glorious love-hate relationship with TV.
Hemmings:
How so?
Eddie Langston:
TV scares me. It makes everything seem credible.
Hemmings:
Why is that so bad?
Eddie Langston:
If everything seems credible then nothing seems credible. You know, TV puts everybody in those boxes, side-by-side. On one side, there's this certifiable lunatic who says the Holocaust never happened. And next to him is this noted, honored historian who knows all about the Holocaust. And now, there they sit, side-by-side, they look like equals! Everything they say seems to be credible. And so, as it goes on, nothing seems credible anymore! We just stopped listening!
Eleanor Green:
[
franticly] You are not the elected president of the United States. There! I've said it.
Tom Dobbs:
And here's our first contestant, Your name please? / Yes my name is Rachel Tensions.
[
laughing]
Tom Dobbs:
/ Yes indeed dear, contestant number two your name? / My name is Miss Ogyny, Yes I thought he was really hot but then when I found out about his radical environmental policy I went Ump-mm, I like a dirty environment if you know what I mean, I want a man who's not afraid to go in the wet lands and drill.
[
laughing]
Tom Dobbs:
Deep drill you know what I'm saying, get down in the mud and take it home daddy that's all.
Tom Dobbs:
[
to a group of reporters] I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.
Jack Menken:
Everyone's going to be writing about how honest you are and how straightforward. I just hope your honesty doesn't undercut your irreverence.
Tom Dobbs:
Well I want to do a show about gay farmers and call it "Crop Circles", is that offensive?
Jack Menken:
Not to me.
Tom Dobbs:
Today I was in the oval office for a preparatory meeting and I sat behind the President's desk and I had a reality check. I sat there and I went 'Wait a minute, I'm a Jester. A Jester doesn't rule the kingdom; He makes fun of the king.'
Tom Dobbs:
[
to reporters] No, I did not sleep with that woman... but I wanted to!
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