Poirot (TV Series)

The Adventure of the Clapham Cook (1989)

Hugh Fraser: Captain Hastings

Photos 

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Captain Hastings : Husband put head in gas oven; home life happy.

  Hercule Poirot : No.

  Captain Hastings : Belgravia and Overseas Bank clerk absconds with fortune.

  Hercule Poirot : How much is this fortune?

  Captain Hastings : Uh... ninety thousand pounds.

  Hercule Poirot : No.

  Captain Hastings : That's a king's ransom, Poirot.

  Hercule Poirot : When it is used to ransom a king, it becomes interesting to Poirot.

• Hercule Poirot : [On the train, looking out at the beautiful landscape]  Look at it, Hastings. Not a building in sight. Not a restaurant, not a theatre, not an art gallery. A wasteland!

  Captain Hastings : I thought you liked the country?

  Hercule Poirot : But this is not the country, my friend. The country is full of trees. And flowers! And public houses! This is a desert!

• Captain Hastings : [On the moor, walking in puddles besides the sheep]  Look at that, Poirot! Look at that view!

  Hercule Poirot : Yes, views are very nice, Hastings. But they should be painted for us, so that we may study them in the warmth and comfort of our own homes. That is why we pay the artist, for exposing himself to these conditions on our behalf.

  Captain Hastings : What do you mean, conditions? It's a wonderful day! Just fill your lungs with that air!

  Hercule Poirot : No, my poor friend. This sort of air is intended for birds and little furry things! The lungs of Hercule Poirot demands something more substantial! The good air of the town!

• Captain Hastings : [Looking over a rock ledge at a valley spread out in the distance]  Wonderful position here, Poirot.

  Hercule Poirot : If you are a rock it is wonderful.

• [Hercule Poirot has read an outrageous letter from the Todds, and is extremely furious] 

  Hercule Poirot : [shouts]  *WHAT?*

  [pause] 

  Hercule Poirot : WHAT? HOW DOES SHE DARE?

  [He slams the letter on his desk, much to the concern of Miss. Lemon and Hastings] 

  Captain Hastings : What is it?

  Hercule Poirot : [seething]  As a favor... As a great favor, I agreed to investigate this two-penny, HALF-PENNY AFFAIR!

  Captain Hastings : What is it, old chap?

  Hercule Poirot : [pointing furiously at the letter on his desk]  READ IT! Read it!

  [Hastings picks up the letter, Miss Lemon looking over his shoulder. Poirot, meanwhile stands a distance from them, still fuming over the contents of the letter] 

  Captain Hastings : [reading the letter]  "Mr. Todd regrets that, after all, his wife will not avail herself of Mr. Poirot's services...

  Hercule Poirot : [high-pitched and curt]  Ahm!

  Captain Hastings : "... After talking the matter over with me, she sees that it is foolish to call in a detective about a purely domestic affair..."

  Hercule Poirot : [high-pitched, angry agreement grunt]  Yep!

  Captain Hastings : "... Mr. Todd encloses one guinea for consultation."

  Hercule Poirot : Is this to be believed? huh? Do they think they can get rid of Hercule Poirot like that? HUH?

  [shouts] 

  Hercule Poirot : *NO.*

  [rapid fire speech] 

  Hercule Poirot : No, no, no, no, no... No, no,no, no, no... Thirty six times...

  [shouts] 

  Hercule Poirot : NO! They send me *ONE* guinea, huh? *NO!* I will spend *My OWN* guineas! 3,600 of them, if need be! But *I* will get to the bottom of this matter!