Alan Partridge (2013)

Steve Coogan: Alan Partridge, Jason Statham, Jason Bourne, Jason Argonaut

Photos 

Quotes 

• Alan Partridge : I'll be asking, which is the worst monger? Fish, iron, rumour, or war?

• Alan Partridge : You can keep Jesus Christ. That was Neil Diamond... truly the 'King of the Jews'.

• Police Officer : And do you suffer from any nervous conditions such as panic attacks?

  Alan Partridge : (snorts) Do I look like I suffer from panic attacks? I had one panic attack at the car wash, it was a perfect storm of no sleep, uh no wife and angry brushes whirling towards me and by the time the hairdryer came on, I was in the footwell.

• Police Officer : Identify yourself!

  Alan Partridge : Alan Partridge! Who the f- Alan Partridge! You know who I am, I've not been off TV for that long! Identify yourself.

• Alan Partridge : I would've taken it off sooner, but I was having a fascinating conversation with the proud father of Norfolk's most sun-tanned child... just passed his details on to the social services...

• Steve Stubbs : Alan! Read my lips. Now, if you jeopardize the safety of any of my men, or any of those hostages inside that building because you've not been listening to me; I will take off this police uniform and I will make you pay for it.

  Alan Partridge : You want me to buy your police uniform off you?

• Alan Partridge : People sack people, people people please people.

• Alan Partridge : He's got a shooter!

• Alan Partridge : Never, never criticize Muslims; only, only Christians. And Jews a little bit.

• Pat Farrell : I came to this pier once with Molly...

  Alan Partridge : Happy times!

  Pat Farrell : ...I came to scatter her ashes.

  Alan Partridge : Maybe not so happy.

• Alan Partridge : [hiding in a bus' septic tank]  Yes, Pat, is it bizarre. It is, and was, a failed escape attempt. A sort of, 'Shit-Shank Redemption', if you will.

• Alan Partridge : Get rid of her, Lynn, she's a drunk and a racist! I'll tolerate one, but not both.

• Side Kick Simon : We've got a text here from Joy in Diss who says "An easy way to solve the problems in Israel"

  Alan Partridge : A thorny issue

  Side Kick Simon : "would be for Judaism and Islam to merge."

  Alan Partridge : Yeah, I wouldn't hold your breath.

  Side Kick Simon : Well, they both hate pigs.

  Alan Partridge : True enough.

  Side Kick Simon : You could call it Jislam.

• Alan Partridge : Go to your muster stations... it's Bryan Ferry.