- Ash: [holding a deadite head] What's that? You can't believe you just got your ass kicked by a one-handed nut job? What's that? Oh, you think I'm your daddy! Listen up, shake and bake, I eat evil for breakfast and danger for dinner, so spread the word. Ash... is back... in business.
- Ash: [to Sally] You know, I bet you could be some kind of a knockout if you traded in the granny wear for some high thigh stockings and a bra that pushed up your yams.
- Ash: Let's make a deal. You shut up now, and the next time I possess you, I won't pour hot coffee down your pants.
- Dr. Reinhard: Achtung, patients! As a reminder, patients are to service their own bedpans. We will not take crap from you! Und remember, nobody cares about you, like Sunny Meadows!
- Sam: Hey, who left the stove on? Know what this furnace reminds me of?
- Ash: I have no idea.
- Sam: Johnny Sticks. Him and me, we used to be connected.
- Ash: Connected to what? The union of verbally challenged half deadites?
- Sam: You know, "connected"! Me and Sticks, the guy was thin as a toothpick, we were top earners.
- Ash: I thought you were an ice cream driver.
- Sam: I was a lot of things, you know for cover. Me and Sticks used to pose as chimney sweeps, sneaking out of furnace vents with the loot. Sticks must have put on a couple of pounds cause he got himself stuck. Furnace comes on and *boom*! Then, err...
- Ash: And then you played "pick up sticks" right?
- Sam: I don't deserve sarcasm.
- Ash: You know, you starting to make me think that the world ending can be any more painful than listening to you!
- Ash: Ever heard of a time out? Because the next "time" you talk, I'm gonna knock you the hell "out!"
- Ash: Hey Napoleon, open that gate for me and make it snappy.
- Sam: I don't know who you think you are, but I demand respect!
- Ash: Oh, you want respect? Then stop complaining to my crotch!
- Sam: OOOOH! You just made a big mistake buddy, you've messed with the wrong midget! I'll shove my boot so far up your ass, you need a shoe horn to swallow!
- Ash: Well, even your temper's short!
- Sam: The portal's is this way. We'll need to find a way around.
- Ash: No, no. YOU need to find away around.
- Sam: Don't push me, two-stroke!
- Ash: Um, sorry to interupt your beauty sleep lady...
- Necromancer Queen: [turning around and hissing] Heeeeeeh.
- Ash: Whoa, let's not kid ourselves, it'd take a few million more winks to make a dent in that grill.
- Necromancer Queen: Souls.
- Ash: Alright if that's the way you want it...
- [draws boomstick]
- Ash: ...come get some
- [Reinhard is about to sacrifice Sally when he gets shot from behind by Ash]
- Ash: Knock, knock.
- Sally: ASH!
- Dr. Reinhard: ASH!... impossible.
- [Ash and Sam recoil from Dr. Reinhard's ugliness]
- Ash: We should consider ourselves lucky runt, he could of set up shop in the house of mirrors.
- Dr. Reinhard: I underestimated you Ash, and you too Sam. how are you my little failed experiment? Still DEAD I'm guessing?
- Sam: Real funny you sadistic nutjob, why don't you... go hump a stump!
- [everyone pauses for a minute and Reinhard looks confused]
- Ash: Er, why don't you let me handle the witty banter from now on?