Dr. Rick Marshall:
[
after realizing he was right all along] Matt Lauer can suck it!
[
Rick Marshall on the Today Show talking about his new scientific discovery]
Dr. Rick Marshall:
It boils down to two simple words.
Matt Lauer:
Renewable biofuels.
Dr. Rick Marshall:
Close. Time warps.
Will Stanton:
[
on the rocks, to Rick] You ever get tired of being wrong?
Dr. Rick Marshall:
[
being chased by the T-Rex] I do! I really do!
[
first lines]
Astronaut:
Mission Control, come in. Mission Control, do you read?
Dr. Rick Marshall:
Captain Kirk's nipples!
Dr. Rick Marshall:
If you don't make it, it's your own damn "vault." That's a bitch slap of truth right there.
Will Stanton:
[
grabs cup in the shape of a woman's bust] This is a little travel mug I like to call the perfect woman. Big ole set of boobies- no head. And a handle.
Dr. Rick Marshall:
Thank God for that. That one was peering into my soul.
[
Inside Dr. Marshall's office, there is knocking at the door]
Dr. Rick Marshall:
[
groans]
Holly Cantrell:
Dr. Marshall?
[
Opens the door and sees Marshall lying on the floor surrounded by wrappers of junk food]
Holly Cantrell:
Oh God! Are you alright?
[
Helps him up from the ground and lays him against a cabinet]
Holly Cantrell:
Hey, up you get. Here, just lean against...
[
Struggling the keep him up, he spits out a piece of food from his mouth]
Holly Cantrell:
Oh dear.
Dr. Rick Marshall:
I'm fine. I'm okay, I just... worked late. Then, I got hungry and I... had several meals and lapsed into a food coma. I've had issues with food in the past. I don't know, you know, just with the stress with everything I just over did it... but I'm in control. Now, I don't have to go back to Phoenix.
Holly Cantrell:
I just wanted, I wanted to um, come apologize for yesterday Michael. My behavior was just...
[
she stares in shock as finds Marshall's completely built Tachyon Amplifier]
Dr. Rick Marshall:
No, no, no.
Holly Cantrell:
You've finished the Tachyon Amplifier!
Dr. Rick Marshall:
No, no, I mean yes. I, I don't know, I finished building it, yes, but... I didn't have the nerve to test it out. So, I thought a trip to Arby's might give me some courage, but no dice.
[
Sticks an old fry in his mouth]
Dr. Rick Marshall:
Then, I hit Popeye's, Del Taco. 14,000 calories later, I found myself down at Subway... powering through a 12 inch veggie on whole wheat babbling to a cut-out of Jared. Still didn't give me the strength to turn that thing on. I'm a coward.
Holly Cantrell:
You are not a coward, you're a visionary. This is probably the greatest work of genius in the last hundred years.
[
Turns on the amplifier to the music of A Chorus Line singing I Hope I Get It; Turns it off]
Holly Cantrell:
Is that A Chorus Line?
Dr. Rick Marshall:
It, it's left over data from the drive. What a piece of crap!
[
Slams foot against desk shaking the amplifier on for a second]
Dr. Rick Marshall:
The machine, I mean, not A Chorus Line. I love showtunes, they really tell the story of the human condition.
Holly Cantrell:
It's a bit gay.
Dr. Rick Marshall:
It IS great.
Enik:
Thank Vinok you've come to my aid, Rick Marshall.
Dr. Rick Marshall:
You know me?
Enik:
Of course. Even in the farthest reaches of the universe, we have seen your Matt Lauer video.
[
Will and Holly can smell dinosaur dung on Rick]
Dr. Rick Marshall:
Would you grow up?
Holly Cantrell:
Oh, my God!
Dr. Rick Marshall:
Yes, he pooped me out!
Will Stanton:
And now you guys are friends?
Dr. Rick Marshall:
While I was snaking my way through his bowels, I don't know, I... I must have dislodged some sort of intestinal blockage. And, yes, he's in a much better mood now. So can we move on? I would really like to go home.
Will Stanton:
You were deuced out by a dinosaur. That is incredibly cool.
Dr. Rick Marshall:
I wrestled at Perdue.
Enik:
J.V.
Ernie:
Hey! Where's Will?
Dr. Rick Marshall:
He went to a better place.
Ernie:
You killed him?
Dr. Rick Marshall:
No.
Dr. Rick Marshall:
This is for you. I signed it.
[
hands his book to Matt Lauer]
Dr. Rick Marshall:
You're supposed to say the title and the publisher.
Matt Lauer:
That's not gonna happen.
Dr. Rick Marshall:
Just say it.
Matt Lauer:
No.
Dr. Rick Marshall:
Just say the damn title.
Matt Lauer:
Fine.
[
shows book to TV audience]
Matt Lauer:
'Matt Lauer Can Suck It' by Dr. Rick Marshall.
Dr. Rick Marshall:
I was so surprised that your attorney signed off on that. I was like, "Are you sure? Is this gonna be okay?" He said, "Yeah, go for it."
Matt Lauer:
Son of a bitch.
Dr. Rick Marshall:
Well done. You just gave murderous primatives the power of fire!
[
after Marshall storms off the stage of "Today"]
Matt Lauer:
That was my guest, Dr. Rick Marshall
Dr. Rick Marshall:
[
offscreen] You're God damn right it was!
Matt Lauer:
His new book arrives tomorrow. You might want to look for it in the "I'm out of my freaking mind" department.
Related Links
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