Uncle Albert:
With great power comes... ow!
Rick Riker:
Great responsibility? Try to breathe!
Uncle Albert:
I can't. You're kneeling on my balls!
Uncle Albert:
[
to Rick about a book on puberty] There are mood swings, fluid retention, and once a month you'll bleed from your vagina.
[
awkward pause]
Uncle Albert:
This may be the wrong book.
Rick Riker:
I'm not wearing any diamonds.
Rick Riker:
[
during a prolonged conversation with Jill while plummeting from a rooftop] This is a really tall building.
Lou Landers:
[
before death] Oh fuck.
Uncle Albert:
God, Lucille! How could you take her away from me! I can't live without her! Lucille! Snookie lumps!
Undertaker:
I'm sorry, there's been a terrible mistake. This is your wife.
Uncle Albert:
[
sees Lucille in other casket] Ah!
Undertaker:
She is this man's wife.
Uncle Albert:
Give me five minutes.
Tom Cruise:
[
clapping with each syllable to emphasize his point] Old MacDonald had a farm and Bingo was his name - o.
Uncle Albert:
[
lovingly] Your thighs look like warm cottage cheese someone threw up on a hot sidewalk.
Aunt Lucille Adams:
And you've always had a tiny penis.
Uncle Albert:
Well, what does it matter when you're in love?
Priest:
We are gathered today to say goodbye to Lucille Adams.
Mourners:
Goodbye!
Uncle Albert:
Remember, with great power comes...
Rick Riker:
Great responsibility?
Uncle Albert:
Well, I was gonna say bitches, but if you want to be a virgin for the rest of your life...
Jill's Mother:
[
shouting from a window] You're a whore, just like your mother!
[
Jill's mother goes back inside]
Rick Riker:
Who was that?
Jill Johnson:
My mother.
Uncle Albert:
How can you say that? I've been like a father to you! I raised you, just like your father did! I believed in you, just like your father did! I slept with your mother, just like your father did!
Lance Landers:
[
to Rick] Watch where you're going in slo-mo, dipshit.
Rick Riker:
Now I'm never gonna know the secret to becoming a superhero.
Mrs. Xavier:
You wanna know the secret? Come close.
Rick Riker:
[
smacks Rick] Make a costume, shithead!
[
after Aunt Lucille farts through Rick and Jill's conversation, Hourglass breaks through the window]
Hourglass:
Sorry to drop in uninvited.
Rick Riker:
It's okay. We were hoping someone would open a window. It was getting stuffy in here.
King of Sweden:
Ladies and gentlemen, our first award is for the medical breakthrough of the year. For his company's pioneering work in the field of feminine hygiene, I award Lou Landers douche bag of the year.
Dr. Stephen Hawking:
If there is one lesson my life can teach, is it that the spirit is stronger than the body. The hero comes from within.
Dragonfly:
Those are Celine Dion lyrics.
Young Rick Riker:
[
Blaine laying on the ground before death] Dad!
Blaine Riker:
Oh Rick, I'm dying...
Young Rick Riker:
No...
Blaine Riker:
Don't worry, my brother Albert will take you in. Rick, the money, it's all yours now. Sell all shares in a small company called Google, pfft, worthless. Invest heavily in Enron.
Lou Landers:
I've never been married.
Jill Johnson:
[
hold up fruitcake] Fruitcake?
Lou Landers:
No. Just haven't met the right woman.
Rick Riker:
See, you're not even in my top five!
Rick Riker:
[
opening the front door] Uncle Albert!
[
Albert turns and shoots a nail from a nail gun; Rick catches the nail]
Uncle Albert:
[
amazed] How did you do that?
Rick Riker:
It's... easier than it looks.
Uncle Albert:
[
shoots Trey in the hand] Nope. I don't think so.
Rick Riker:
[
Rick sees that Lou is coughing blood] Are you okay, Mr. Landers?
Lou Landers:
Oh, I'm fine, son. This is just healthy cough-blood!
Professor Xavier:
Hey, pumpkin.
Mrs. Xavier:
Don't call me pumpkin. It ain't Halloween.
Dr. Whitby:
So, what brings you here?
Rick Riker:
My uncle.
Dr. Whitby:
Your uncle brought you here?
Rick Riker:
No, he's gravely injured.
Dr. Whitby:
Well, he shouldn't be driving, then.
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