Diary of a Mad Black Woman (2005)
Tyler Perry: Madea, Brian, Joe
Photos
Quotes
-
Brenda : What the - Who are you?
Madea : Who you?
Brenda : I'm the owner of this house.
Madea : [buzzer sound] Wrong answer. My granddaughter Helen is the owner of THIS house! You da hoe, you aint got no power or no deed.
Brenda : [notices one or her ruined clothes] Did you do this? This is Vera Wang!
Madea : Who dat is? She do nails? I need to get my nails did.
Brenda : That's it! I'm calling the police.
Madea : I aint scared a no po po. Call da po po hoe. Call da po po hoe!
-
Madea : Love is stronger than any addiction, baby; hell, it *is* one.
-
Brenda : If I call the police, they're gonna be here in *ten* minutes.
Madea : Okay. Then that leaves me nine to beat the hell outta you.
Brenda : You think? I know tae kwon do!
Madea : And I know whoop yo oss!
[Madea and Brenda argue amongst themselves then tell Brenda to shut up two times in order to hear Charles and Helen arguing downstairs!]
Madea : Oh hell no!
[Runs and smacks Brenda in the back of the head]
Brenda : Yeah, you keep runnin'!
-
Madea : [talking to Helen] You can get it one of two ways. You can get it from his checking account voluntarily, or his insurance policy. Involuntary manslaughter. Which one is it gon' be?
-
Madea : [after typing a bunch of numbers on the calculator, carelessly] Girl, that man owe you 64 billion, 283 million, 974 trillion, 5 thousand, and 20 dollars and 82 cents.
-
Madea : I remember this dude made me so mad, I didn't even know how mad I was until I went to his funeral.
Helen : Why were you so mad at him?
Madea : Because he hit me. Yes he hit me... and I didn't even know how mad I was until I saw him in his casket, he's 8 feet under.
Myrtle : 6 feet, that's how they bury people, Madea, 6 feet under.
Madea : That's what I'm trying to say, I thought I was over what he did to me until I saw him at the funeral, I was so mad I BEAT HIM DOWN 2 more feet.
-
Bailiff : Your honor, Case #456790: The People Vs. Mabel Simmons & Helen McCarter - Criminal trespassing, Reckless endangerment, Criminal possession of a handgun, Assault with a deadly weapon, Suspended license, Expired registration, Reckless driving, and a broken tailight.
Madea : [to Helen] Girl, I know it ain't who I think it is.
Judge Ephriam : [turning cross] I know you didn't say Mabel Simmons. Madea?
Madea : How you doin', uh, Judge Mablean? It's good to see - Ooh, your hair's pretty. Girl, look at you. You're lookin' good. How you been? Hey...
Judge Ephriam : [angry] You're still at it?
Madea : This ain't even my fault. See, what happened was...
Judge Ephriam : [cuts her off] Just save it! Who's here for the defense?
Brian : [Brian, Madea's nephew walks into the courtroom]
Brian : Brian Simmons, on behalf of Mrs. McCarter and Mrs. Simmons, your honor.
Judge Ephriam : Brian.
Brian : How you doing, Judge Ephriam?
Judge Ephriam : Brian, I am getting tired of seein' your aunt.
Madea : [under her breath] Getting tired of seein' you.
Helen : [to Madea] Shh!
Brian : It won't happen again.
Judge Ephriam : Yeah, I'll bet. Bail is set at $5,000 for Mrs. McCarter, property of cash. But as for you, Madea, I'm placing you under house arrest!
Madea : You ain't gonna put me on no house arrest, honey. I ain't gonna deal with that!
Judge Ephriam : It's either that or prison! What's your choice?
Madea : [convinced] I'll take the house arrest.
Judge Ephriam : Bailiff, call the next case.
Bailiff : The State of Georgia versus Bobby Brown.
Judge Ephriam : What is this? Repeat offender day?
Voice of Whitney Houston : Bobby! Bobby, I love you.
Judge Ephriam : Sit down, Miss Houston!
-
Madea : Mmmhmm... How long you do that fo'?
Helen : Eighteen years.
Madea : Okay.
[pulls out a calculator]
Madea : Let's see how much he owes ya then.
[types a bunch of numbers while she speaks]
Madea : Eighteen years. Cooking. Cleaning. Havin' sex wit him when he wanted it, was it good?
Helen : [shakes head in disgust] No.
Madea : *Major* deduction.
-
Brian : It won't happen again.
Judge Ephriam : Yeah, I'll bet. Bail is set at $5,000 for Mrs. McCarter, property of cash. But as for you, Madea, I'm placing you under house arrest!
Madea : You ain't gonna put me on no house arrest, honey. I ain't gonna deal with that!
Judge Ephriam : It's either that or prison! What's your choice?
Madea : [convinced] I'll take the house arrest.
-
Joe : [watching Madea butter her house arrest bracelet] You know, I was watching the Animal Planet channel and they say that when a coyote is trapped, it will eat its own foot off to get out of the trap. You want some hot sauce? In your case it wouldn't be a coyote, it would be an elephant. A big old giraffe.
Madea : Say one more thing, Joe.
[click of gun]
Madea : Say one more thing. I don't hear you. You're quiet, can I buy a vowel?
-
Madea : Every time I try to read the Bible... and Jesus... the one with all the words in red... I open my Bible to that New Testimony and see all that red and I just give up. Jesus was talkin' way too much.
-
Madea : [Helen throws money in Charles' face] Girl, you're crazy as hell.
-
Joe : [the family member's have been discussing revenge] Yeah, that's like that man in, ugh...?Misery?. That woman had those shackles on the man's ankle bones... his feet went like this.
[throws his arms out]
-
Madea : [speaking to Myrtle] I'll be at church when they get a smoking section.
-
Madea : Half of everything in this house belongs to her, which half you want? You want this half or you want this half?
[cuts into the couch with a chainsaw]
-
Judge Ephriam : Brian, I am getting tired of seeing your aunt.
Madea : Getting tired of seeing you
