Mr. Woodcock (2007)

Seann William Scott: John Farley

Photos 

Quotes 

• John Farley : You have a father?

  Mr. Woodcock : Yes, Farley, I'm not Jesus.

• Mr. Woodcock : I don't do 'Sorry'.

  John Farley : What?

  Mr. Woodcock : Sorry is for criminals and screw-ups... and I'm neither one.

• John Farley : You're going down, Woodcock.

  Mr. Woodcock : You must like getting spanked, Farley. I guess it runs in the family.

• John Farley : [quietly to Woodcock, as he seems stunned]  Are you okay?

  John Farley : [loudly]  RHETORICAL QUESTION, WOODCOCK!

  [slams him in the back with a chair] 

• John Farley : When you make a blame sandwich, you gotta be prepared to eat it yourself.

• John Farley : [mimmicking, mockingly]  "I'm known for my meat. I'm known for my meat." Actually, you're not known for your meat, Woodcock. You're known for emotionally crippling an entire generation of children. Dickhead!

• Mr. Woodcock : [from his hospital bed]  Set of ten, Farley.

  John Farley : [in disbelief]  What?

  Mr. Woodcock : Just joking.

  [smiles] 

• Mr. Woodcock : It's too late. She's made her mind up, Farley.

  John Farley : What? My mom's the best thing that's ever happened to you.

  Mr. Woodcock : One day you'll date girls and you'll understand. Once a woman makes her mind up... there's no changing it.

  John Farley : Oh, I get it. You're scared. Your last marriage fell apart because she was cheating on you. Again, and again, and again.

  Mr. Woodcock : The woman's a deviant, Farley. Who cares?

  John Farley : So you're scared of getting hurt again?

  Mr. Woodcock : Hey, spare me the self-help crap, OK? You're not a guru. You're a spoiled little kid who can't seem to let go of his momma's right tit.

  John Farley : Oh, yeah? Well, you're just a pussy with a whistle!

  Mr. Woodcock : Really? You cocky little shit. Do you actually think you're tougher than me?

  John Farley : Ooh. Any time, any place.

  Mr. Woodcock : Get the rentals, Farley.

• John Farley : [addressing the crowd during the local Civic Pride Awards]  Are you guys out of your minds?

  [audience laughs] 

  John Farley : Seriously! Am I the only one who thinks that Woodcock's, like, the biggest asshole on the planet?

• Beverly Farley : [seeing her son pushing Woodcock down the parade route in a gurney]  My God, what happened? Jasper, why are you on that gurney?

  Mr. Woodcock : I don't know, honey, but I'm here to say that...

  [pauses] 

  Mr. Woodcock : ... I'm basically sorry.

  Beverly Farley : [unimpressed]  "Basically sorry"?

  John Farley : Mom, for an emotional cripple like Woodcock, that's a huge step. Listen, I'm the one who should be apologizing, OK? This is all my fault. Just give him another shot, because my lungs are about to explode!

  Mr. Woodcock : Please, honey?

• John Farley : [after learning Woodcock and Beverly are engaged]  Can you imagine my family with Woodcock in it?

  [imitating Woodcock] 

  John Farley : "A tie for Christmas, Farley? Set of ten!" "You didn't eat your vegetables? Take a lap!" "You call that a grandchild? Rhetorical question, Farley!"