Mr. Woodcock (2007)

Billy Bob Thornton: Jasper Woodcock

Photos 

Quotes 

• John Farley : You have a father?

  Mr. Woodcock : Yes, Farley, I'm not Jesus.

• Mr. Woodcock : To survive outside these walls, you need more than just math and science. The world does not stop for people who can spell fancy words or tell you the capital of Montana. The capital of Montana, Watson?

  Young Watson : Helena?

  Mr. Woodcock : Who cares? Take a lap!

• Mr. Woodcock : I don't do 'Sorry'.

  John Farley : What?

  Mr. Woodcock : Sorry is for criminals and screw-ups... and I'm neither one.

• John Farley : You're going down, Woodcock.

  Mr. Woodcock : You must like getting spanked, Farley. I guess it runs in the family.

• Mr. Woodcock : [after Farley flips Woodcock's gurney over while guiding it down the parade route]  Nice work, Farley. There's one pothole in this town, and you managed to find it.

• Mr. Woodcock : S-s-s-set of ten!

• [repeated line] 

  Mr. Woodcock : Rhetorical question!

• Mr. Woodcock : [from his hospital bed]  Set of ten, Farley.

  John Farley : [in disbelief]  What?

  Mr. Woodcock : Just joking.

  [smiles] 

• [repeated line] 

  Mr. Woodcock : Take a lap!

• [repeated line] 

  Mr. Woodcock : Set of ten!

• Mr. Woodcock : It's too late. She's made her mind up, Farley.

  John Farley : What? My mom's the best thing that's ever happened to you.

  Mr. Woodcock : One day you'll date girls and you'll understand. Once a woman makes her mind up... there's no changing it.

  John Farley : Oh, I get it. You're scared. Your last marriage fell apart because she was cheating on you. Again, and again, and again.

  Mr. Woodcock : The woman's a deviant, Farley. Who cares?

  John Farley : So you're scared of getting hurt again?

  Mr. Woodcock : Hey, spare me the self-help crap, OK? You're not a guru. You're a spoiled little kid who can't seem to let go of his momma's right tit.

  John Farley : Oh, yeah? Well, you're just a pussy with a whistle!

  Mr. Woodcock : Really? You cocky little shit. Do you actually think you're tougher than me?

  John Farley : Ooh. Any time, any place.

  Mr. Woodcock : Get the rentals, Farley.

• Beverly Farley : Uh, you ready for dinner?

  Mr. Woodcock : Mm hmm. I don't know about you, but I've been thinking about meat all day long.

• Beverly Farley : [to John]  Jasper grills the best beef in Nebraska.

  Mr. Woodcock : Well, I *am* known for my meat.

• Beverly Farley : [seeing her son pushing Woodcock down the parade route in a gurney]  My God, what happened? Jasper, why are you on that gurney?

  Mr. Woodcock : I don't know, honey, but I'm here to say that...

  [pauses] 

  Mr. Woodcock : ... I'm basically sorry.

  Beverly Farley : [unimpressed]  "Basically sorry"?

  John Farley : Mom, for an emotional cripple like Woodcock, that's a huge step. Listen, I'm the one who should be apologizing, OK? This is all my fault. Just give him another shot, because my lungs are about to explode!

  Mr. Woodcock : Please, honey?