Memorable quotes for
The Longest Yard (2005)

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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Huddle up! Look, I'm sure you already know this, but I've never said it out loud. I *did* throw that game. I did it. I was in a bad way with some worse people. After I did it, I felt so shitty, I wish I would have just let them kill me instead. Now the warden wants to pin Caretaker's murder on me if I don't throw *this* game. So it looks like I'm going to get to know you guys a lot better because I aint doing that twice in a lifetime. We got a little time left. We can still do this. I'm begging you. Put your hands in here. Ok, thank you. Who are we?
[Team shouts, "Mean Machine!", and takes the field]
Turley: I'm glad you're back. Now I don't have to stab you.

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[after Crewe decides to come back to the game]
Turley: I'm glad you're back, now I don't have to stab you.

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Caretaker: Look in your toilet, I left you a surprise.
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You took a shit in my toilet?
Caretaker: No, that's what I left in Brucey's toilet.

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[last lines]
Deacon Moss: [Deacon and Battle pour Gatorade on Warden Hazen] Good game, sir!
Warden Hazen: That's a week in the hotbox!
Joey Battle: Who gives a shit!

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Deacon Moss: This is baby-back bullshit!

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[after inmates score touchdown on trick play]
Guard Lambert: Is that legal?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yes, it is.
Guard Lambert: Is that a touchdown?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yes, it is.
Guard Lambert: Oh, goddamn it!

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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [after being pulled over by cops] Here, you can finish this beer for me... I've got five more!

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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [to the short cop] Now, listen here, Mr. Frodo, don't get short with me.

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Big Ears Cop: ...shit happens.
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Shit does happen. I mean, look what happened to your ears.

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Cheeseburger Eddy: [to Megget] Why you bein' a McAsshole?

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Big Tony: [reading sign] Foot... ball... tree... outs. What the hell's a tree-out?
Brucie: It's try-out, you half a meatball.

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Cheeseburger Eddy: You gotta always protect your McNuggets!

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Chris Berman: Whooooop!

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Walt: What happened?
Lena: He locked me in the closet and left me to die.
Walt: [gasps] He's deranged!

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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [on TV after he crashes his girlfriend's car] Hey, Lena, I think we should start seeing other people!
Walt: [watching on TV with Lena] I think I'm in love.

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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You play football?
Caretaker: Me? No, I was so bad I was picked after the white kids. Guys would look at me and say, "Damn, we picked the only nigger can't play."

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Brucie: [Brucie is about to kick off] Our Savior Jesus, help me do this right and I promise to stop cheating on my wife with black men.

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Cheeseburger Eddy: I knew you couldn't resist my shit! I got the shakes that'll make you quake. I got the fries that'll cross your eyes. I got that burgers that'll... I just got burgers.

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Punky: [after the convicts won the game] We win! Group hug in the shower tonight!... or not. Or not.

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Caretaker: We didn't get the whole chocolate bar, but we did get a Hershey kiss.

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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: I will be your coach, your captain, your quarterback...
Brucie: You haven't played in years! Why can't I be quarterback?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You're right; let's see what you got.
[throws ball to Brucie]
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Hit me; I'm open!
Brucie: [throws wild pass]
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: That's why, now sit down and shut up.

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Caretaker: [to an exceptionally fast runner] Run, Forest, run!

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Caretaker: [Switowski has him in a bear hug] Down, Shrek, down!

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Caretaker: That boy's got slave feet.

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Ms. Tucker: [to Brucie] You wish I'd kiss you 'cos your breath smells like eight cans of shark shit.

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Caretaker: That boy got slave feet!

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Caretaker: He could catch a cold in the desert.

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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [drinking a toast with Caretaker] Here's to the first friend I've had in I-don't-know-how-long
Switowski: I thought I was your friend, Paul.
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You are my friend, Switowski. Just finish your coloring book and go to sleep.
Switowski: OK.

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Switowski: I thought I was your friend, Paul.
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You are my friend, Switowski, just, finish your coloring book and go to sleep.
Switowski: OK.

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Guard Dunham: Does the n-word offend you... nigger?
Earl Megget: No, sir.

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Switowski: I'm sorry... I brokeded your toy.
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Oh, no, it's a good thing!
Switowski: Really?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yeah, you should share a celebration hug with Caretaker.
Caretaker: [lifts Caretaker in bear-hug and spins around laughing]
Caretaker: [to Paul] Asshole!

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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: I think Papajohn's their safety.
Turley: [smiles, nods] I'll play!

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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [to Caretaker] Hey, let's have a maniacal pillow fight tonight! That should boost your rating!
Skitchy Rivers: Yeah, and we can sell it to Pay-Per-View - Superstar vs. Half-a-Star.

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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [to Turley] People have said that we look alike, so I just wanted to see for myself.
[Turley roars very loudly]
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: I'm gonna go take a piss.

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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [to Caretaker after seeing his half-star violence rating] You're as maniacal as a box of kittens.

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Guard Lambert: [Walks in and yells] Everybody stand for the warden!
Warden Hazen: [Walks in and sees how fat Tony is] Anthony wow! You can sit down!
Joey Battle: Thank God!

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Captain Knauer: [after Crewe starts fight in lunch room] Stand up Crewe! You think you can do anything don't you... well you're no different than any other piece of shit that calls this place home...
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Really they all think you're a dumb redneck too?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [Knauer takes a swing at Crewe with his night-stick amd Crewe catches it] You should really start cutting that shit out it's gettin old...
Captain Knauer: That's gonna cost ya...
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Looking forward to it...

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Caretaker: [talking to crowd about the try outs] This is our chance to get a free shot at the guards!
Big Tony: And how are we going to do that?
Caretaker: Just show up at the tree-outs you big dumb bitch!
[Everyone laughs]

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Switowski: He broke-ded my nose
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Let me try to fix that.
[Crewe fixes his nose]
Switowski: How do I look?
Caretaker: Much better, like a young Michael Jackson.
Switowski: I love little Mikey.

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Guard Engleheart: If you have to cry, it's okay. I'll cry with you.

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Switowski: Will you teach me to football?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Sure, I'll teach you to football.
Caretaker: I'll teach you anything. Just don't eat me.

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Brucie: [after being hit hard] I got a bird, his name is Ronnie!
Caretaker: Well, tell Ronnie you got knocked the fuck out!

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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [as he's calling a play] Battle, you're a psycho! Tony, you're a fat shit! Hut!

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Punky: [after Nate Scarborough decides to enter the game] You can do it! Get that old ass of yours in the endzone! We gotta win this game!

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Ms. Tucker: Do the girls get to play?
Caretaker: No, we're playing football, not balls-balls

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Caretaker: Yo man, that's my flyer, man. I worked hard on that. You see he ran like a little bitch right? You saw that right.
[Cheeseburger Eddy gets in his face]
Caretaker: Yo, the team needs you. Team needs you. You should come to the tree-outs.

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Earl Megget: Y'all got a running back?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Not any good ones.

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Cheeseburger Eddy: It ain't easy being cheesy!

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Deacon Moss: The only game I'll play with you... is slap the point shaving white boy, til he cries like a baby back bitch.
Cheeseburger Eddy: baby back bitch, baby back bitch, baby back bitch, baby back bitch.
Caretaker: That's a big ass robot

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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [Crewe is being pulled over by the cops] Oh, man, here come the party poopers...

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Guard Engleheart: [the guards are picking on Megget in the library] Bet you'd like to hit us, huh?
Earl Megget: [smiling] Hit you, sir? Nah. Y'all my friends!

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Joey Battle: Wow, no bullshit! Football, against the guards?
Coach Nate Scarborough: Yep, full contact.
Joey Battle: Captain Knauer is the quarterback?
Caretaker: Yep.
Joey Battle: So I get to tackle him?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yeah, either that you can hit him over the head with that hammer.
Joey Battle: I wanna hurt him, not kill him.
Caretaker: Lets get outta here before that thing bites someone!

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Caretaker: [introducing himself to Crewe] Whatever your pleasure, I can facilitate. You need weed, you need meth- hey, you need Prozac, I'm your man. I know how you white boys always deal with that depression. I mean me personally, I don't understand what you white boys are all depressed about. Hey, you're white! Smile!

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Unger: The blood of the guards is gonna flow like the rivers of ancient Babylon!
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: That's good news.

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Guard Dunham: [rock music on in locker room acting like he's playing a guitar] This is how a white man plays a guitar.

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Brucie: How come I cant be kicker? I was all state!
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: All right let's see what you got.
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [kicks ball along the ground] ... that's why you dumbass.

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Baby Face Bob: [after the game, to Chris Berman] Remember Chris, criminals are people too...
[suddenly appears aggressive]
Baby Face Bob: Now give me your wallet!
Chris Berman: [Backs down a little and looks frightened]
Baby Face Bob: [Laughs] Just kidding.

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Guard Lambert: Crewe! I'll see you on the field.
[bangs his head on a locker]
Coach Nate Scarborough: [to Crewe] I think he's in love with you.

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Guard Dunham: [after breaking off a long run, storms up to Megget] That's how a white man runs the football!
Earl Megget: Man, you lucky I ain't on defense. I'd crack you in that egg-ass head of yours!
Guard Dunham: Yeah, but you ain't on defense. Are ya, bitch?
Earl Megget: Hey Switowski!
[he comes running over]
Earl Megget: You know what he said in the library?
[whispers to Switowski about Dunham calling Malcolm X then "N word", as Switowski's eyes about pop out of his head]
Earl Megget: Yes. Him. Out!
Switowski: [Destroys Dunham with a huge hit on the next play. Everyone gathers around to look at Dunham and sniffs] I think I made-ed him shit himself.
Coach Nate Scarborough: I think he just shit himself.
All Sportswriters: I think he just shit himself.
Stretcher Guy: Oh man, this guy shit himself big time!
Switowski: [jumps up and down celebrating] I did! I did make-ed him shit himself!
Earl Megget: [as Dunmham is being carted off the field on a stretcher] I'll be sure to send them books to the hospital, pimp!
Deacon Moss: And some diapers!

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Captain Knauer: Do you have any idea who's beating you out there? This was supposed to be a blow out and they're showing you up in front of the whole nation. The whole nation!
Guard Engleheart: I like it when he's angry.

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Guard Engleheart: Stop booing, people. Both teams are trying very hard.
Guard Dunham: What the hell's wrong with you? Stop acting like a damn cheerleader.
Guard Engleheart: Sportsmanship. Try it.

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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: I'll tell you what bothers me the most warden. That you're not coming to be out there on that field with us, gettin' what you got coming to you.
Warden Hazen: Only thing coming to me is victory.

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Con Transvestite: What's wrong with you? Jealous because I don't cheer for you anymore?
Brucie: I don't know what you're talking about, Freak show!
Con Transvestite: Whatever, back freckles!

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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [On the last play of the first half] Do you assholes remember that play we practiced in the mud?
Deacon Moss: What are you talking about? That was some schoolyard bullshit!
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yeah, let's try some schoolyard bullshit!

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Switowski: [after Turley breaks his nose] I think he did it on purpose!
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: No, he didn't do it on puropse...
[glances over at Turley]
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Okay maybe he did.

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Baby Face Bob: Do that sound again.
Chris Berman: Woooooop!
Baby Face Bob: [chuckles] I like that.

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Guard Engleheart: Why are you yelling at me? All I did was care!

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Caretaker: Who we gonna crush?
(prisoners team): The guards!
Caretaker: Who we gonna kill?
(prisoners team): The guards!
Caretaker: Who we gonna kiss?
Brucie: [shouting out loud all alone] The guards!
Caretaker: [smile] Gotcha.

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Caretaker: [to Paul] Don't give me that shit! O.J. Chopped his wife's head off and still got some ass!
[Paul Spits out his drink in laughter]

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[first lines]
Lorenzo: I love that dress.
Lena: Of course you do, Lorenzo, you made it.

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