- Narrator: Johnny Turbine grew up as an orphan on a Dude Rance in Montana. He likes standing in front of large flags and fancying himself a true blue American hero.
- Johnny Turbine: Not blue! More kinda like a fleshy-colored American hero!
- Narrator: Traci Torpedoes holds the honor of shooting down one thousand aircraft.
- Traci Torpedoes: One thousand and twelve, swine!
- Narrator: One thousand and twelve
- Traci Torpedoes: And a man in a jetpack. He looked very suspicious
- Pauli Atchi: Mama! Are you proud of your little boy?
- Mama Atchi: I sure am... AND SO AM I!
- [Mama Atchi takes off her head to reveal she's really Pilot X in disguise]
- Pilot X: I'm PILOT X! And I challenge YOU to a battle in OUTER SPACE! And you have to defeat ME! I'm holding your mama hostage!
- Pauli Atchi: You've got Mama? You can keep her, you double-crossing jerk!
- Pilot X: WHAT?
- Pauli Atchi: You just got rid of my only competition for control of the city. Gratze.
- Pilot X: NO one refuses a challenge from PILOT X!
- [claps hands]
- Pilot X: TRACTOR BEAM!
- [Pauli Atchi is pulled up into space]
- [Professor Gutentaag and his robot Sven 209 are at his laboratory]
- Gutentaag: Well, Sven 209, looks like our visitor isn't going to show.
- Pilot X: [appearing right behind him] "Show what?"
- Gutentaag: YIPE!
- [jumps into Sven's arms]
- Pilot X: You mean show... THIS?
- [He whips out a remote control thingy]
- Pilot X: Use this device on the other racers!
- Gutentaag: Oh, what does it do?
- Pilot X: It's GREAT! It'll shrink them to the size of dust mites! Then you can... you can... err... stick 'em in a human body. WHATEVER! On my planet we use this thing to get rid of our trash!
- Gutentaag: Great! What do you want in return...
- [sees Pilot X has disappeared]
- Gutentaag: ... 'goodbye Gutentaag', is that so hard? Ja, we don't have to hug or nothing, just 'Goodbye, see you later'.
- Mick Bungadoo: Visit Mick Bungadoo's roadkill resteraunt! Our motto is: You run 'em down, we'll throw 'em on the barbie!
- Narrator: I know. I read the placemants.
- Mick Bungadoo: The secret's in the sauce.
- [Andre LaToilette picks up Johnny Turbine and hugs him]
- Johnny: Put me down! Who do you think you are!
- Andre: Johnny! I am your long lost twin brother!
- Johnny: What? Oh God... now I'll never make it in Hollywood! I LOOK LIKE YOU!
- Narrator: Island Jack was leading a peaceful life on his beach in Danger Island, when the Island chief volunteered him for the race.
- [a couple of guys stuff Island Jack in a sack and throw him in a plane]
- Island Jack: Not cool, mon, not cool.
- Gutentaag: Now, we will show the world our greatest invention ever: THE UBERTANK OF DOOOOOOOOOOOM!
- [very pathetic music]
- Gutentaag: No, no, no, that music is much too docile. I want something with heart! Give me something with Oomph! GIVE IT TO MEEEEEEEEE!
- [gets hit by a missile]
- Gutentaag: ... I love it.
- Andrew B. Pirate: Well, this sure sends a shiver up and down MY timbers!
- Theme Song Guy: [singing] Well we gots a couple floozies/And it could get bluesy-uesy!/In this Slappy, Happy, Never-Be-Crappy/Freaky Flyin' game
- Cactus Rose: I rob from the rich and give to the poor.
- [points guns at camera]
- Cactus Rose: You callin' that a crime?
- Narrator: Well... yes, but only because I'm rich.
- Narrator: During your stay in Coyote Canyon, you must protect the sheriff from some bandits, rescue a damsel, and cause a stampede into an Indian reservation. Sure, these are things you could have done from the comfort of your own home with a couple of well-placed phone calls, but you're here now so lend a hand.
- Sheik Abdul: If you become part of my harem, I'll make you chairwoman of my global conglomerate, 'His & Harem Inc'! And you can have Saturdays off! And you can sue anyone you like!
- Traci Torpedoes: What did you call me here for, herr Gutentaag?
- Gutentaag: Traci Torpedoes. Yes. I've called you here because there's something I think you should know. Your parents... were not your parents! Mom and Dad were scientists. They... created you!
- Traci Torpedoes: [gasp] Is TRUE! I AM genetic mutant freak!
- Gutentaag: Yes. You were part of an experiment by the German government called "Operation Female Bombshell". But you were not the only one... You have 100 identical sisters! They all work in the
- [makes quotation finger gestures]
- Gutentaag: "Entertainment industry"...
- [Sammy Wasabi, Japanese Genius, presses a button on his plane to turn it into a robotic woman who's arms Sammy jumps in]
- Sammy Wasabi: I have won the Freaky Flyers race! Time for big body! Give daddy some sugar...
- [He kisses the robot which turns, in mid-kiss, into Pilot X. They see each other]
- Both: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
- Sammy: Alien Cooties!
- Pilot X: EWW EWW EWW! Human COOTIES! I WAS going to let you go free, you PERVERT! Now you must face me in OUTER SPAAAAAACE! Don't you people have MOUTHWASH on this planet?
- [Johnny Turbine is showing the Narrator pictures in his portfolio for when he becomes a big movie star]
- Johnny: Here's one of me as a schoolgirl! That was a fun day. I didn't even know the camera was on.
- Mick Bungadoo: We're all set here for our victory barbie! Just ran it over meself!
- [bites head of charred animal to reveal...]
- Pilot X: I'm PILOT X! And I challenge YOU to a battle in OUTER SPAACE!
- Mick Bungadoo: I'm right busy now, mate. Maybe later.
- Pilot X: Oh, I think you WILL fight me! I KNOW WHAT YOUR SECRET SAUCE IS MADE OF!
- Mick Bungadoo: WHAT? That's impossible! How could you?
- Pilot X: I know because I've TASTED it before! The secret sauce is...
- [speaks in a creepy whisper]
- Pilot X: people...
- Mick Bungadoo: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
- Pilot X: AHA! As usual, I have outsmarted YET ANOTHER OPPONANT! You can never defeat me, PILOT X! If sales are good, I'LL BE BACK! And if they're not, I'LL COME BACK ANYWAY! JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE! I'll be back, you puny evolved monkey! DO YOU HEAR ME? I'll be baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
- [gets hit by an asteroid]
- Gutentaag: [gasp] Oh no no no, you are the most poorly-constructed Frankenstien monster I have ever seen. You ought to sue.
- Baron Von Slaughter: Like I said to the other guy, I WOULD LIKE TO KILL YOU... and then, possibly get a free consultation if you don't mind.
- Gutentaag: No, no, of course. Here's my card. You give me a call, bubbie.