Ready When You Are Mr. McGill (2003 TV Movie)

Tom Ward: Roland

Quotes 

• [after a disastrous morning, the producer asks the director how much of this morning's filming he has actually completed] 

  Roland : So you've shot *nothing* all morning?

  Phil Parish : Not yet.

  Roland : Nothing of Scene 23?

  Phil Parish : Not yet.

  Roland : None of it?

  Phil Parish : Not yet.

  Roland : You've shot the master shot? You must have.

  Phil Parish : [to Kelly]  Tell him "not yet". I can't say it again - my brain's trapped.

  Roland : So what the hell have you been doing?

  Phil Parish : [facetiously]  Sunbathing.

  Roland : Phil, the schedule says another six days. You'll never finish it.

  Phil Parish : We'll finish it! We'll finish it!

  Roland : For God's sake tell Elliot that it is going well.

  Phil Parish : He's a network executive. Lies don't fool him. He lies for a living.

• [Bruno delivers Phil's dinner to him in the catering bus] 

  Phil Parish : Bruno! You know cows?

  Bruno : Cows?

  Phil Parish : Yeah. Big things. Four legs - one in each corner. Stand in fields a lot and moo.

  Bruno : Yeah.

  Phil Parish : What they don't do is stand in fields a lot and *swim*. The things that swim are called fish.

  [holds up his plate] 

  Phil Parish : This, peabrain, is fish! Cows are a completely different kettle of... are completely different!

  Bruno : Yeah, they said what with it being an early lunch, they'd no time to do your steak.

  Phil Parish : Yeah, well, just in case you decide to go fishing and reel in a cow.

  [Bruno walks off] 

  Phil Parish : [to Roland]  It's one of those days.

  Roland : You want to try my job, mate. They're *all* "one of those days".

• [Ted is explaining his idea for a new TV series which features twin brothers who are civil engineers] 

  Elliot Nichols : You're on slightly shaky ground here, son. Who play the brothers?

  Ted : How do you mean?

  Roland : What actors are you proposing?

  Ted : Actors? I dunno. I haven't really thought about actors. The brothers' characters...

  Phil Parish : Ted, Ted, love, with respect, sod the characters. What you have to...

  Ted : But the whole story revolves around...

  Roland : Sod the story. Who are the stars? The big names.

  Elliot Nichols : That's the bottom line. If you want to get your series on TV, 1: get your stars; 2: make it about police, detectives or doctors. OK?

  Phil Parish : These twin brothers, Ted. Which one's gay?

  Ted : They've got girlfriends.

  Roland : Are *they* in the police?

  Ted : No.

  Phil Parish : And one of *them's* gay?

  Ted : No.

  Roland : It's no good for Channel 4, then.

  Elliot Nichols : So hang on. Let me get my head around this? Who's shagging who? Is one of the brothers shagging the other brother's bird?

  Ted : No, there is no shagging.

  Roland : No good for ITV, then. Or the BBC. Or Channel 4. Or Five.

  Phil Parish : [Phil's watch alarm bleeps]  Ah. I better go. Busy busy. I hope that's helped.

  Ted : The brothers are building this bridge, right. You see the thing about this bridge is...

  Roland : Ted, TV is quizzes or cooking or gardening or DIY or drama. And drama! is either handcuffs or stethoscopes. Not about building bridg! es. Your idea's a bit too avant-garde.

  Elliot Nichols : And it'll still need stars, detectives and doctors.

  Roland : And shagging.

  Elliot Nichols : And shagging. Never underestimate the intelligence of the viewing public.