Heather Vandergeld:
Look who just flew in from the slums of Beverly Hills.
Megan Vandergeld:
It's the Beverly Ho-Billies.
Marcus Copeland:
[
as Tiffany Wilson] Squeeze me?
Kevin Copeland:
[
as Brittany Wilson] Oh no, you didn't?
Marcus Copeland:
[
as Tiffany Wilson] I'm sorry, but uhm... we just saw your new video. Yea, they had a screening over at Saks Fifth Avenue in the security office
[
laughs]
Marcus Copeland:
A klept-ho-maniac!
[
laughs]
Megan Vandergeld:
[
arrogantly] Your mother shops at Saks.
Marcus Copeland:
[
indignantly]
[
as Tiffany Wilson]
Marcus Copeland:
What?
[
the Vandergeld sisters proudly do siss-fingers]
Kevin Copeland:
[
as Brittany Wilson] Oh my God. You want to talk about mothers? You wanna talk about mothers! It's mother time, okay! Your mother's so dumb she went to Dr Dre for a Pap smear! "Something's wrong, Dr Dre! My coochie's doing a beatbox!"
Heather Vandergeld:
Well yea? Your mother's so stupid she exercises when she could just get like, liposuction or something!
Marcus Copeland:
[
as Tiffany Wilson] Your mother's so old that her breast milk is powdered. You breast-feed like this:
[
blows powder from hand, and everyone starts to laugh]
Heather Vandergeld:
Your mother is so, like... She's so...
[
to Megan]
Heather Vandergeld:
Megan you go!
Megan Vandergeld:
Your mother is so stupid that she goes to Barney's Rooftop Deck Restaurant for lunch and orders a niçoise salad and calls it a 'ni-coise' salad. 'Ni-coise' salad, right?
Marcus Copeland:
[
as Tiffany Wilson] Your mother's ass is so hairy, it looks like Don King's about to pop out and say, "Only in America!"
Tiffany Wilson:
Oh yeah? Well, your mother's ass is so hairy, it looks like Don King's about to pop out and say, "Only in America"!
Latrell Spencer:
White meat only.
Latrell Spencer:
How did you know? I love this song!
[
approaching the reception desk in the Royal Hamptons Hotel, Marcus, dressed as Tiffany Wilson, stumbles toward the counter]
Kevin Copeland:
[
as Brittany Wilson] Sweetie! You've got to slow up with those cosmos!
Marcus Copeland:
[
as Tiffany Wilson] Tee-hee! Oh, fine.
Kevin Copeland:
[
as Brittany Wilson] Brittany and Tiffany Wilson, checking in!
[
slams into postcard and knick-knack holder, scattering items *loudly* across reception desk with his fake breasts]
Kevin Copeland:
Sorry, um, they're new. Dr. Dorfman did an amazing job.
Marcus Copeland:
[
as Tiffany Wilson, squeezing Brittany's fake breasts] Feels so real!
Marcus Copeland:
You hit like a bitch! C'mon.
Latrell Spencer:
Once you go black, you gonna need a wheelchair.
[
dressed as Tiffany Wilson, Marcus and the girls lay peacefully on a sunny beach]
Tori:
I am so glad I got waxed today.
Karen:
Ugh, me too. What did you get?
Tori:
The Bald Eagle.
Karen:
I got the Bermuda Triangle.
Lisa:
The Landing Strip.
Marcus Copeland:
[
as Tiffany Wilson] I got the Buckwheat.
Karen:
Ewww, that's sick.
Marcus Copeland:
[
as Tiffany Wilson] Ahh, what a beautiful sunny day!
[
shadow falls over body]
Marcus Copeland:
Oh, my God, what happened to the sun? Ahh!
Latrell Spencer:
Easy white chocolate, I wouldn't want you to melt.
Marcus Copeland:
[
as Tiffany Wilson] Yeah, hasta la vista Schwarzenegro. Okay, bye.
Tiffany Wilson:
I am so... frick-in'... pissed!
Kevin Copeland:
I'm gonna have a BF!
Marcus Copeland:
Oh, my God, she's gonna have a bitch fit!
Hotel clerk:
No, don't d-d-d-don't have a, a, a BF now.
Kevin Copeland:
I wanna speak to your supervisor! Better yet, I'm gonna write a letter!
Marcus Copeland:
You, are in big, trouble!
Kevin Copeland:
Dear Mister Royal Hampton. I am a white woman, in America.
[
gives dog to hotel clerk]
Marcus Copeland:
Take good care of him, oh, and teach him how to say "Yo quiero Taco Bell". Kay?
Marcus Copeland:
I don't see why I gotta go out with Buffy the White Girl Slayer
Lisa:
I'm Carnie Wilson before my gastric bypass surgery.
Kevin Copeland:
This one goes with your skin tone.
Lisa:
Somebody throw Shamu back in the ocean.
[
shouts]
Lisa:
Whoo.
Lisa:
Hi I'm Cellulite Sally; look at my huge ba-donkey. Don't forget about me, I'm Backfat Betty. Now who could have said that? Oh yeah, it's Tina the Talking Tummy.
[
cries]
Lisa:
I can't even wear a short skirt and a top without looking like a fat pig.
Latrell Spencer:
Oh the deception. The betrayal. Man you deceived me.
Marcus Copeland:
Look man
Latrell Spencer:
Negro please. Didn't any one tell you that this was an all white party, huh? Someone get this jiggaboo away from me.
Marcus Copeland, Kevin Copeland:
Triple t, k, a. Time to totally kick ass!
Kevin Copeland:
Forget him, Marcus. We can do this ourselves. Look, all we gotta is if, if, if...
Marcus Copeland:
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. "We?" Kevin, this ain't about "we." It's never been. It's about you. You come up with some stupid idea and I'm dumb enough to go along with it. And look where its gotten me, Kevin. I just lost my wife and my job because of you. So, don't tell me about "we" no more, all right?
Kevin Copeland:
[
as Brittney Wilson] Oh, my god! Look who's here. It's that beautiful...
Section Chief Elliott Gordon:
Save it!
[
walks in the room]
Section Chief Elliott Gordon:
Because of you, I had to suspend two of my best agents!
Kevin Copeland:
But Chief, I can explain.
Section Chief Elliott Gordon:
I don't wanna hear it! You're just lucky we caught Burton before he could strike.
Kevin Copeland:
But Burton is not our guy!
Section Chief Elliott Gordon:
Let me guess: Woman's intuition? You're both fired. Turn in your guns and your badges. This operation is over!
Kevin Copeland:
Come on, Chief! You can't fire us.
Section Chief Elliott Gordon:
I just did.
Marcus Copeland:
Look King Kong. Why don't you take you and your "1980 pick-up lines", climb all the way up to the top of the Empire State building, beat on your big old monkey chest and then jump off? Excuse me.
Party Boy:
Don't hate me 'cause you ain't me!
[
last lines]
Marcus Copeland:
Hey girls!
Karen:
Hi
Tori:
So you guys were pretending to be them all the time?
Kevin Copeland:
Yes, we were, but we was doing our job. I just hope you guys aren't too pissed off at us
Karen:
We're so bummed! We liked Brittany and Tiffany like... so much more when you were them.
[
laughing]
Karen:
So much more
Lisa:
So I guess this means we won't be hanging out anymore
Kevin Copeland:
Aw don't say that of course we will. We'll hang out
Marcus Copeland:
Yeah, we're all gonna get together and we're gonna goooo...
Marcus Copeland, Kevin Copeland, Karen, Lisa, Tori:
SHOPPING!
Marcus Copeland:
Hey, baby.
Gina:
Don't "hey, baby" me. I can't believe you have me sitting here all night worried about you.
Marcus Copeland:
All night? Baby, it's only 8:00. Look, after work, me and Kevin went down to the bar and had a couple of drinks.
Gina:
I know. I called the bar. They said you left at 7:45. I checked MapQuest. It only takes 6 minutes to get there from here. So, if you got somebody one the side, Marcus, you need to tell me.
Marcus Copeland:
Baby, listen to what you just say. MapQuest said it takes 6 minutes to get here. I got here at 8:00. Which means there's 2 minutes unaccounted for. If I was cheating on you, don't you think I'd need more than 2 minutes?
[
Gina gives Marcus a dirty look]
Marcus Copeland:
You know what? I ain't going to deal with this. I'm tired, okay? I had a long day at work. I got shot at.
Gina:
See, that is exactly what I'm talking about. We don't communicate.
Marcus Copeland:
Okay, fine. You wanna communicate.
Gina:
Yes.
Marcus Copeland:
Come on. Let's communicate. Okay?
Gina:
Okay. Let's start with last week.
Marcus Copeland:
Last week.
Gina:
You and I were supposed to go shopping together. We get to the mall. I buy this beautiful dress, I get my hair done. You don't say anything. I don't know, maybe you just want to...
[
Marcus falls asleep]
Gina:
Marcus! Did you here me just now?
Marcus Copeland:
Mm-hmm.
Gina:
Tell me what I said.
Marcus Copeland:
I heard everything. You was communicating
Gina:
Marcus, don't play with me right now. I am not in the mood. I cannot believe you came home late and then you start... Marcus! You are falling asleep again. I am talking to you.
[
Marcus falls asleep again]
Marcus Copeland:
I wasn't asleep, baby, I was closing my eyes and visualing your words.
Gina:
Oh, really? Visualizing? Well, why don't you pant me a picture of what I just said
Marcus Copeland:
Hold on.
Gina:
Mm-mm. You know why? Because you are falling asleep again. Marcus! Marcus!
[
interrogating a would-be kidnapper]
Kevin Copeland:
[
as Brittany Wilson] Who do you work for?
Stripper:
Intimate Fantasies!
Kevin Copeland:
[
as Brittney Wilson]
[
Brittney comes the dressing room with an outfit]
Kevin Copeland:
How about this?
Lisa:
[
Sobbing] You bitch thats so terrible!
Kevin Copeland:
[
as Brittney Wilson] Ok im going to go get help ok, you need professional help.
Lisa:
[
Sobbing] ok! ok!
Kevin Copeland:
[
as Brittney Wilson] Dr Phil!
Kevin Copeland:
First of all my doctor totally messes up my nose job. I ask him to make me looked like Gwyneth Paltrow, i get off the surgery table looking life freakin' Shrek. And then I get here and Mr. Harper! Makes me feel like I'm some dumb blonde with big boobs.
Latrell Spencer:
She don't know it yet... But that's 'Wifey' right there.
Related Links
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