[
Josh is trying to learn how to play football by playng a video game]
Josh Nichols:
Left! No, right! Pass! Not the sack! Not the sack!
Video game:
Uh! The sack!
Drake Parker:
I really like music.
Josh Nichols:
I really like cheese.
Drake Parker:
If I had to live on an island and only take 1,000 things with me, I'd take this stereo, these headphones, and 997 CD's. And a girl.
Josh Nichols:
You might think all cheese is the same, but there are different kinds. You got your American, Gouda, Feta...
Drake Parker:
There's all sorts of kinds of music. Pop, Hip-hop, Jazz...
Josh Nichols:
And my personal favorite...
Drake Parker:
And my favorite, Rock 'n' Roll.
Josh Nichols:
...Cheddar
Drake Parker:
Josh doesn't like music as much as I do.
Josh Nichols:
Drake doesn't care for cheese as much as I do.
Drake Parker, Josh Nichols:
[
in unison] Oh, well. His loss.
Drake Parker:
Ahh, Music.
Josh Nichols:
Ahh, Cheese.
Drake Parker:
You didn't get in trouble for lying. You got in trouble for lying badly.
Mrs. Hafer:
Drake, what's your favorite novel from the 20th century?
Drake Parker:
Uh... Catcher in the Rye.
Mrs. Hafer:
Wrong.
Josh Nichols:
[
about the two tough, scary-looking biker thugs he hired to scare Drake] Drake, meet Chip and Ronnie. My old camp counselors.
[
laughs]
Drake Parker:
[
pause] Where did you go to camp?
[
repeated line]
Drake Parker, Josh Nichols:
Megan!
Josh Nichols:
[
about Megan] Such big evil in such a little girl.
Mr. Nichols:
[
needing a last minute birthday gift for Audrey] Uh, get her some toothpaste. She's always using toothpaste!
Josh Nichols:
Dad, there's two-hundred dollars here.
Mr. Nichols:
Well, get her some mouthwash, too! I'M JUST A MAN!
Drake Parker:
You're the best evil sister ever.
Josh Nichols:
You know the closet in the hall.
Drake Parker:
The hall closet.
Josh Nichols:
Yah, I stuffed it full of underwear so when she opens it, she'll get burried up to her evil little head in dirty underwear.
Drake Parker:
Eww, yours?
Josh Nichols:
Dads...
Drake Parker:
Ewer.
Josh Nichols:
Pinch me!
Drake Parker:
I'm not pinching any part of you.
Helen:
You!
Josh Nichols:
Me?
Helen:
Thats your name, id'nit?
Josh Nichols:
Mom and Dad are gonna kill us!
Drake Parker:
No they won't... they are gonna kill you.
Josh Nichols:
I'm trying to study!
Drake Parker:
Why?
Drake Parker:
I love s'mores!
Josh Nichols:
Who doesn't?
Drake Parker:
I don't know, s'more haters?
Josh Nichols:
Good point.
Drake Parker:
What are you smiling about?
Josh Nichols:
The great Drake, grounded, for two weeks. I love it!
Drake Parker:
Yeah? Me too.
Josh Nichols:
Eh?
Drake Parker:
2 weeks, layin' in bed, no school, playin' a little guitar, watching a little TV, you bringing me pizza's. Yeah, bein' grounded is baad.
Josh Nichols:
I don't know Drake, all this cheating makes me feel... dirty.
Drake Parker:
Well, take a bath when you get home.
Drake Parker:
[
talking to Josh about his crush] Good Luck with Kathy. Remember, she's just a person. I mean, girls are just guys without... just do good.
Josh Nichols:
[
talking about how Drake needs to break up with his girlfriend] All you need to do is act un-youish.
Drake Parker:
I'm not Jewish.
Josh Nichols:
No! Un-Drakeish
Josh Nichols:
Drake, we're supposed to be studying for our driving test!
Drake Parker:
[
playing a driving video game] I am!
Josh Nichols:
Drake, I highly doubt that our driven test will include stealing a bus and running into dragons.
Drake Parker:
Do you know that for sure?
Josh Nichols:
[
Josh is trying to study while Drake is playing a loud video game] Drake, the volume!
Drake Parker:
Oh, right.
[
Drake gets the remote and turns it louder]
Drake Parker:
[
after he has lost money to Megan at Darts] Hey - you just hustled me!
Megan Parker:
No, I didn't. I just pretended to be bad, so you'd bet money and then I'd win!
Drake Parker:
That's hustling!
Megan Parker:
There's a name for it?
[
takes the money from Drake]
Megan Parker:
Cool...
Drake Parker:
[
after seeing spattered tomato on the bedroom wall] Who exploded?
Josh Nichols:
[
with accent] I kissed your wife.
Josh Nichols:
[
taking smores out of oven] Hello, smores!
Josh Nichols:
Ahh! Hello Pain!
Josh Nichols:
[
he sticks his arm in pitcher of milk]
Drake Parker:
[
staring at Josh] Uhh... Josh, they usually put the prize in the cereal, not the milk.
Josh Nichols:
Uh, oh. The cops. Oh, sweet, sweet karma!
Drake Parker:
Do I get to wear that purdy apron?
Mr. Nichols:
Sure Josh knows basketball, I taught him myself.
Mr. Nichols:
[
shows off with basketball]
Mr. Nichols:
[
throws ball at Drake] Think fast!
[
ball misses and hits a lamp]
Drake Parker:
Lamps don't think that fast.
Megan Parker:
Why is Josh screaming? Have the eggs hatched?
[
repeated line]
Josh Nichols:
And now I'm alone...
[
repeated line]
Josh Nichols:
Oh, jeez...
[
repeated line]
Josh Nichols:
Headaches! You give me headaches!
Josh Nichols:
[
Looking through an emergency kit] We have a quarter, a can of salmon, open, an ice tray, and half a shoe.
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