Little Britain (2003–2006)
David Walliams: Various Roles, Jason, Sebastian, World Record Breaker, Emily Howard, Inner State School Teacher, Liz, Lou Todd, Miss Grace, Pianist, Ray McCooney, Anne, April May, Boris the Babysitter, Dennis Waterman, Lifeguard, LouTodd, Minstrel, Mrs. Harrison, New Gay in the Village, Rod, Various Characters
Photos
Quotes
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Carol Beer : Computer says no.
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Teacher : [Vicky has walked out of the class and left the pram with her baby in behind] Vicky aren't you going to take your baby?
Vicky Pollard : No don't worry I've got loads at home.
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Denver Mills : I'd like to welcome you all to the Annual Police Dinner. My name is Denver Mills and I am a former Olympic Silver Medallist. When I think about it, being an Olympic runner, is a lot like being a police officer-we both spend most of our running chasing after black guys, but the difference is I actually beat some of mine, not just BEAT them like you do.
[Silence. Denver exits the stage with a bottle of alcohol]
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Old Ma Evans' lodger : Well, I seem to have passed your gay test, so I must be gay.
Daffyd : No, you are not a gay. I am the gay. You're probably just a little bit poofy!
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Anne : Eh-eh-ehhhhhh!
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[repeated line]
Lou : And that's a right kerfuffle.
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Dennis Waterman : I'll do it... long as I get to write the theme tune, sing the theme tune...
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Lou : It's your birthday coming up, and I've booked a table up the Harvester.
Andy : Yeah, I know.
Lou : Is there anyone you want me to invite?
Andy : George Michaels.
Lou : George Michaels? We don't know him.
Andy : Yeah, I know.
Lou : I don't think he'd come. And besides, you don't like George Michaels. You said that "Jesus to a Child" aside, you found his output emotionally vapid.
Andy : Yeah, I know.
Lou : What about your brother, Declan?
Andy : George Michaels!
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George Michael : Hello, Andy.
[pause]
George Michael : Nice to meet you
[pause]
George Michael : . Happy birthday.
Andy : I don't like him. I want him to go. I prefer Tony Hadley.
Lou : Sorry about this, George. You'd better go.
Andy : Tell him that "Jesus to a Child" aside, I find his output emotionally vapid.
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Emily Howard : But I am a lady, I do not have testiclÈs!
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Jeremy Rent : [to Dennis Waterman about his role in a stage production of Macbeth] No, it's straight theatre. No music. So what do you think?
[pause]
Dennis Waterman : [singing]
Dennis Waterman : Mr. Macbeth is a naughty ma-an, do do do do / He gone and killed anudder ma-an, do do do do / I hath a good idea / Just thou keep me near / I'll be so go-od for the Scottish play...
Jeremy Rent : I'll tell 'em you're busy...
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Daffyd : Ma. Da. There's something I need to tell you both. I am...
[deep breath]
Father : Asthmatic?
Daffyd : No! I am... a gay! Oh!
Mother : Very nice.
Father : Yeah, good for you, lad. Oh, it says here that the bucket had a chrome handle.
Daffyd : So you don't mind?
Father : No.
Daffyd : So you're not going disown me and cast me asunder?
Mother : Eh? Oh, no. Quite frankly, we did had an inkling.
[washes Daffyd's gay clothes]
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Marjorie Dawes : What advice can we give to Babara, to turn her tragic life around? Paul?
Fat Fighter : [sighs] Cut out biscuits?
Marjorie Dawes : Cut out biscuits! erm... Mary?
Meera : Instead of sugar, use artificial sweetener in tea.
Marjorie Dawes : Something about sugar, but I think the best advice any of us can give you, is to look at the person on the inside, because you're obviously a very unhappy person...
Barbara : No, I'm not!
Marjorie Dawes : Well, you deserve to be! I know Mum doesn't speak to you, but that's not for here... but as far as she's concerned, if you were knocked down by a bus tomorrow the world would be a better place!
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Scottish Guy : I'm hard yet soft, I am coloured yet clear, I am fruity and sweet, I am jelly... what am I?
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Mike : Hey, you open for afternoon tea?
Scottish Guy : Maybe I am and maybe I'm not
[plays tune on flute]
Mike : Oh, OK.
[starts to walk out]
Scottish Guy : No, no, I am, I am, please, sit down.
[shows them to a table]
Mother : Wow, isn't this an adorable place, Kimberly?
Kimberly : It smells funny in here!
Scottish Guy : I shall be back in a moment with the cake trolley.
[puts his hand out and grabs the cake trolley]
Scottish Guy : Here I am with the cake trolley.
Mother : Mm, those look good, don't they honey?
Kimberly : I want the chocolate cake.
Mother : OK, OK, honey
[to Scottish guy]
Mother : Kimberly has a nut allergy. Do you know if the chocolate cake contains nuts?
Scottish Guy : Yeeeeees.
Kimberly : What, yes, you know, or yes, there are nuts?
Scottish Guy : Yeeeeees.
Mike : Well, which?
Scottish Guy : [picks up a piece of cake and puts it to his ear] Carrot cake, carrot cake, have ye any nuts?
[listens]
Scottish Guy : The carrot cake contains? no nuts.
Scottish Guy : [picks up another piece of cake to his ear] Lemon drizzle cake, lemon drizzle cake, have ye any nuts?
[listens]
Scottish Guy : The lemon drizzle cake contains... no nuts
[plays flute]
Scottish Guy : No nuts.
Scottish Guy : [picks up chocolate cake to his ear] Chocolate cake, chocolate cake, have ye any nuts?
[listens]
Scottish Guy : [to Mike] He wants to speak to you.
Mike : [takes cake, baffled, puts it to his ear and listens] Mike Kapalski?
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Roy : You are being a little specifc, yes.
Mr Mann : Ok, have you got any books...?
Roy : Well, yes, we've got hundreds of them.
Mr Mann : I'll take them please.
Roy : Alright!
[begins stacking books into crate]
Roy : You, er, you must really like reading!
Mr Mann : Oh no, unfortunately I'm blind.
[Roy waves hand in front of Mr Mann's face]
Mr Mann : [Mr Mann waves hand in front of Roy's face]
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Matthew Waterhouse : [comes into boarding room with trolley full of cereal boxes] I've got a few ideas for you! Nutty Nut Nuts! Real nuts coated in... wait for it...
[pours out box]
Matthew Waterhouse : *Nuts*. How's that for starters?
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Ray McCooney : [tax people have come for money] What if I give ye six magic beans?
Tax Woman : [rolls eyes] Not interested
Ray McCooney : *Seven* magic beans?
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Sebastian : Prime Minister, look out!
[pushes Prime Minister onto couch]
Primeminster : What is it?
Sebastian : I thought there was a sniper but there isn't.
Primeminster : Oh... can you get off me now?
Sebastian : Give it a minute.
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Prime Minister's Helper : Prime Minister, I'd just like to say...
Sebastian : [dancing with Prime Minister; mouths] Fuck off!
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George Michael : [Outtake - Lou and Andy meet George Michael] Hello, Andy. Nice to meet you. Happy Birthday!
Lou : [Matt Lucas smirks. Audience applauses] Oh! not good isn't it? Come on, George, stop messing about. You made him laugh.
George Michael : It was him.
Lou : You begged us for this part. You want to make him laugh, you can go.
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Robot career counsellor : What did you have in mind?
Boy : I've always wanted to do catering...
Robot career counsellor : There will no jobs for humans in catering in the future. Only robots!
Boy : Does that include catering in hotels?
Robot career counsellor : [thinking] Err... Yes!
Boy : Well the other thing I thought was engineering...
Robot career counsellor : There will be no jobs for humans in the future. Only robots!
[it prints out a brochure]
Robot career counsellor : This will explain it all! Now leave!
Boy : Thank you, sir.
Robot career counsellor : I am a robot!
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Student councillor lady : [On the phone, describing the student sat opposite her, who is of restricted growth] You know Paul. Everyone knows Paul. How can I describe him? Shoulder-length brown hair. Wears a lot of jewellery. Looks *up* a lot. Gets his clothes from Mothercare. That's it - the Oompa Loompa.
[Can't see why Paul looks annoyed. Starts humming the Ooompa Loompa song as he stomps out]
