Morty O'Reilly:
I'm gonna have to level with you. Siamese twins ain't the easiest sell I've ever had.
Bob:
We're not Siamese. We're American.
Walt:
What's a four-letter word for snatch?
Bob:
Grab.
Walt:
Oh... right. Whoopsie.
Cher:
[
to extremely young lover, while in bed together] Go to bed. You have a geography test in the morning.
Walt:
She's got mace.
[
from trailer]
Bob:
We share a liver.
April:
Are you sure you even need a liver?
Dart in Head Guy:
[
with dart stuck in his head] Hey, do I look different to you?
Man:
You got a dart in your head, you dumb shit.
[
Walt and Bob are considering separation]
Walt:
Think about it. You'll be able to read a book alone, play golf by yourself,
[
whispering]
Walt:
masturbate in private like the good Lord intended.
Bob:
What are you talking about?
Walt:
Oh, please, last night it was like trying to sleep next to a paint-shaker.
April:
Can I ask you a personal question?
Walt:
Nine inches.
April:
[
after surgery to separate the twins] Bob, you look good.
Walt:
He looks good. What am I chopped liver?
April:
Actually, yeah.
Rocket:
[
Bob is doing a bad job of cooking burgers by himself] Hey Bob, get the lead out of your ass!
Bob:
Hey, up yours, Rocket!
Rocket:
[
sarcastically] Oh, Nice Comeback.
Walt:
Are you kidding? You could win an humanitarian award for how nice you were to us.
Cher:
Aww... no. Well, really, is there talk of me getting one?
Walt:
No, no, it's just a figure of speech.
Doctor 1:
I'm afraid... we lost them.
[
girls gasp and begin to cry]
Doctor 1:
[
other doctor enters]
Doctor 2:
It's okay, they'd been taken up to the top floor. We found them.
[
on her new TV show]
Cher:
This makes Touched by an Angel look like Trainspotting.
Drive-by Heckler:
Hey, Freaks!
Man in burger bar:
[
to Rocket] Hey! I ordered diet coke!
Rocket:
Enjoy your meal
Man in burger bar:
[
to Bob] Hey you shouldn't have freaks in here!
Bob:
You know, your absolutely right, we don't want freaks in here, so Rocket, would you kindly show this freak to the door?
Walt:
What's a three-letter word for man's best friend?
April:
Tit?
Walt:
No, I've tried that already.
Bob:
[
to Walt] Don't you walk away from me!
Morty O'Reilly:
If you do this your committing career suicide.
Walt:
That's what they said when Erik Estrada quit "CHiPS".
Morty O'Reilly:
You're shitting me. He quit?
Walt:
All right. Burgers on the house!
[
everyone shouts "Yeah!"]
Bob:
He's just kiddin', you cheap bastards.
Walt:
Hey, Dave. How about another tall one?
Dave:
Got it. How about you there, Bob?
Bob:
No, no. No, I'm cool. I'm the designated walker tonight.
Cher:
I was a bitch with a capital C.
1st AD:
Excuse me, Miss Cher, there's a few fans outside hoping for autographs.
Cher:
Allright, but I am not taking any pictures.
Cute Autograph Girl:
Oh shit, it's just Cher.
May:
[
to Bob and Walt] Look, I was hoping we could have a word in private, I mean just the three of us.
May:
[
to motel clerk] Hey, you wouldn't happen to know if Bob was alone, would you?
Moe:
I highly doubt it.
Bob:
Hey, I'm alone!
Convenience Store Patron:
Great buddy, you're gonna stay that way, too!
Rocket:
[
Bob is doing a bad job of cooking burgers by himself] Hey Bob, get the lead out of your ass!
Bob:
Hey, up yours, Rocket!
Rocket:
[
sarcastically] Oh, Great Comeback.
Mimmy:
Bob, the people at Table 14 are really hungry, where's the food?
Bob:
How much time have I got left?
Mimmy:
You're already fourteen minutes over!
Bob:
Well then, what are they bitching about? They're gonna get a free meal.
Bob:
We flew over the Grand Canyon on our way out here.
May:
Really?
Bob:
Yeah, it's way different from the Vineyard. You know, with the big hole and shit. Um, and it's orange.
Walt:
Christ Bob, you haven't been laid in five years.
Bob:
Hey, how would you know?
[
Walt gives him a serious look]
Bob:
Damn.
Walt:
Boozing with Cher... boozing with Cher...
Walt:
She'll be back. Where else is she gonna find a guy like you?
Bob:
I don't know. Chernobyl?
Bob:
[
to Walt, on the operating table just before the twins are anesthetized for dangerous separation surgery] Promise me you'll still be there when I wake up.
Related Links
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