If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do? (1971)

Director:

Ron Ormond

Writers:

Ron Ormond (screenplay)
Estus W. Pirkle (book)

Genre:

Drama

Plot:

Based on the preachings of Reverend Estus W. Pirkle, this film warns what will happen to America if...

Plot Keywords:

Bible | Laughing | Machine Gun | Severed Head | Candy

Cast

Judy Creech	...	Judy
Cecil Scaife	...	The Commissar
Gene McFall	...	Assisstant Commissar
Wes Saunders	...	Comrade Teacher
La Quinta Scaife
Jim Rose
Billy Kent
Jimmy Little
Carl Haselton
Joe Scaife
Nathan Blackwell
Max Cannon
Bell Kent
Bondy Kent
Greg Pirkle

Runtime:

52 min

Country:

USA

Language:

English

Colour:

Colour

Sound Mix:

Mono

Company:

The Ormond Organization

Judy, I implore thee! Read the scriptures!

If Footmen Tire You is the epitome of a cult film. You're not going to find this title on the shelf at your local Blockbuster or Movie Gallery. This is the kind of film that for years lived in near total obscurity only to gain an audience after being promoted through cult fanzines and websites. You can't find this at Best Buy, folks. You have to seek it out through a bootlegger or download a copy. Not because you're trying to cheat 'the man' but because there's simply no other way to obtain it. But the film is certainly worth the effort.

In keeping with the true meaning of a cult film, the original intent of If Footmen Tire usually has nothing to do with why people watch and enjoy it. Originally intended to save the good Christians and the United States from an impending communist takeover, the film is now seen as an over the top example of ridiculous religious propaganda. And rightfully so. Even in an age when communism did have a strong hold on some parts of the world, the scenario presented by If Footmen Tire was still impossible to believe. According to this film, the communist takeover of the United States would be accomplished in only fifteen minutes! Apparently there would be no resistance from either our own military or the vast number of armed civilians. Basically we'd wake up one morning to find ourselves under an evil communist regime. And a hilarious, stereotypical one at that. The evil commies are portrayed by rednecks and good old boys who either can't act at all or ham it up with Bela Lugosi type accents. At times it's difficult to tell who is supposed to induce more fear, the communists or the "strange children" who wear their skirts too short or fornicate at the drive-in. What is intended to be a very frightening film comes across as one of the most hilarious you're ever likely to see. Bizarre scenes of torture which range from improbable to impossible. Inane visions of brainwashing techniques. Wacko interpretations of biblical prophecy. Reminds me a lot of growing up here in the South. Too much maybe.

If Footmen Tire provides more laughs than most comedies ever manage. So do yourself a favor and find a copy on ebay or wherever you can and watch one of the best cult movies ever.