Between Iraq and a Hard Place (2003 TV Movie)

John Bird: Self

Quotes 

• Rory Bremner : Back in 2003, the pretext for war is that in defiance of UN resolutions, Saddam Hussein has been developing weapons of mass destruction. And as George W Bush said:

  George W. Bush : We cannot have a situation where the world's worst leaders are in charge of the world's most powerful weapons.

  John Bird : Since the end of World War II the Americans have spent 19 trillion dollars on what they call "defense", which they spell differently. And define very differently. If you were to spend $26m every day since the birth of Christ, you would have spent less than the Americans have spent on defence since the end of the Second World War.

• John Fortune : So what would you say was the greatest lesson that you learnt in Oman?

  John Bird : It's blindingly obvious really. If we are to mount a successful military campaign against Saddam Hussein, we must at all costs, we must get him to come and fight us in Northern Europe.

• John Fortune : So what is it that they want from us?

  John Bird : From us, um, dead bodies I think is what they want.

• John Bird : Yes and Tony Blair himself said, what matters is that we stand up and be counted.

  John Fortune : Or in our case, fall down.

  John Bird : Fall down and be counted, yes.

• Rory Bremner : In the end it comes down to wanting to get rid of one man. And although our weapons have got infinitely more sophisticated, it's not clear if we have, as we seem to believe the best way of removing Saddam is by bombing as many of his countrymen as we have to until we get to him. And as the man said 80 years ago:

  [Footage showing innocent Iraqis suffering. Colour changes from black and white to colour] 

  John Bird : [quoting Sir Laming Wothington-Evans]  If the Arab population realised that the peaceful control of Mesopotamia ultimately depends on our intention of bombing women and children, I am very doubtful if we shall gain that acquiescence of the fathers and husbands of Mesopotamia to which the Secretary of State for the Colonies looks forward.

• John Fortune : So does Saddam have these weapons? We know he used to have enough to kill the world's population 4 times over. We know that because we sold him quite a lot of it. The last team of UN Inspectors claimed they destroyed 95% of Saddam's weapons.

  Rory Bremner : During those inspections Saddam used every trick in the book, including moving biological weapons material around in a fleet of red and white vans, on which he painted "Tip Top Ice Cream Company".

  John Bird : I'll have two "99's", a botulism ripple and er, a smallpox wafer.

• John Bird : So what do you do when you've got a Saudi born terrorist, launching attacks on Yemen, America, Indonesia and Kenya? Well, that's obvious. You invade Iraq.

• John Bird : Saddam's not alone in developing illegal weapons. So do India and Pakistan, and we're not about to attack them. Ah yes you say. But Saddam has illegal weapons of mass destruction and he's invaded other countries. And he has a load of UN Resolutions against him, which is true too. But then, so has Israel, and we're not about to attack them, or North Korea, or Iran, or Libya, or Saudi Arabia, which is after all where Bin Laden came from, which has appalling human rights records, and no democracy. Still, you've got to start somewhere, so it might as well be Iraq.