Mrs Caldicot's Cabbage War (2002)

Frank Middlemass: Bernard

Quotes 

• [Hawksmoor bursts in on the residents and some of the nurses dancing while Bernard plays the organ, in memory of Edith who died earlier on] 

  Bernard : Uh-oh. Bandit at nine o'clock.

  Hawksmoor : [picks up a bottle of wine]  Clear this drink away. Where's Matron? Lost your tongues, have you? Whose idea was this?

  Thelma Caldicot : It's Edith's wake. We felt she needed a good send off.

  Hawksmoor : Who says so?

  Thelma Caldicot : I do.

  Bernard : So do I.

  [others join in, supporting Thelma] 

  Thelma Caldicot : It's all right, folks. I take full responsibility. I felt it was something you would have organised, had you been here.

  Hawksmoor : Don't you be clever with me. I want you packed and out of this place first thing in the morning.

  Bernard : You can't do that. If she goes, so do I.

  Thelma Caldicot : [sighing]  Oh, you can't, Bernard. You've got nowhere to go. And this miserable bugger knows it.

  Hawksmoor : [walking away]  Before breakfast, Mrs Caldicot.

  Thelma Caldicot : Just a minute. Oh, I *am* leaving, because I don't belong here. In fact, none of us belongs here in your second-rate, overpriced knacker's yard. And we don't need you or our relatives to tell us when we're ready for the scrap heap. *We'll* decide that. Do you know, I spent 40 years of my life under the boot of a mean-spirited tyrant just like you. And I'm not going to let it happen again.

  [she turns to all the other residents] 

  Thelma Caldicot : Good night, folks.

  Everyone : Good night. Thank you.

• [a nurse has just witnessed sounds of passionate love-making followed by Hawksmoor and then Matron leaving the room with their clothing in disarray; Hawksmoor now comes into the dining room where Thelma, Bernard, Leslie, Joyce and Audrey are sitting with their arms folded, disgusted at being served cabbage yet again] 

  Hawksmoor : What is going on?

  [no-one answers him] 

  Hawksmoor : [to Audrey]  Miss Nightingale, why aren't you eating?

  Hawksmoor : [to Leslie]  Mr Hewitt?

  Hawksmoor : [to Thelma]  Is this your influence, Mrs Caldicot?

  [still no-one answers him; they all sit with their arms folded, steadfastly refusing to eat] 

  Hawksmoor : What exactly is the problem?

  Thelma Caldicot : It's rubbish. That's the problem.

  Hawksmoor : This is perfectly balanced dietary cuisine.

  Thelma Caldicot : Oh. Would you like to joins us?

  Hawksmoor : [to Bernard]  Mr Livingstone.

  Bernard : I'm with Mrs Caldicot.

  Leslie : So am I.

  Joyce : So am I.

  Audrey : And me.

  Hawksmoor : [patronisingly]  A missed meal can cause serious medical problems. I hope you're prepared to take on that responsiblity.

  [they exchange glances and reluctantly start to eat] 

  Hawksmoor : Thank you.

  [Hawksmoor turns to leave the room] 

  Bernard : Commander?

  Hawksmoor : Yes?

  Bernard : You're flying low, old boy.

  Hawksmoor : What?

  [Thelma turns to look at Hawksmoor, and smirks. Hawksmoor checks his fly and discovers that it is unzipped from his earlier "encounter" with the Matron] 

  Thelma Caldicot , Audrey , Joyce , Leslie , Bernard : [laugh] 

• Bernard : Hewitt and I have been considering you very carefully, Mrs Caldicot.

  Thelma Caldicot : Have you now?

  Bernard : And we are agreed that you should be asked to join our escape committee.

  Thelma Caldicot : How many have you got?

  Bernard : Just Hewitt and me. I'm the brains, he's the brawn.

  Leslie : So he reckons.

  Thelma Caldicot : So what's the plan?

  Bernard : Tunnelling was the favoured option... and then Hewitt here went and lost the bloody trowel.

  Thelma Caldicot : So now what?

  Bernard : Well, currently we have a plan to kidnap two of the nurses, take their uniforms, and then leave in disguise.

  Thelma Caldicot : I think I've seen the film.

  Bernard : Yes. Well, of course, we realised that we might not get very far before somebody spotted something suspicious, but... well, it would be a breath of fresh air for us.

  Leslie : Now you see why we need some new ideas.