Mrs Caldicot's Cabbage War (2002)

Pauline Collins: Thelma Caldicot

Quotes 

• [Hawksmoor bursts in on the residents and some of the nurses dancing while Bernard plays the organ, in memory of Edith who died earlier on] 

  Bernard : Uh-oh. Bandit at nine o'clock.

  Hawksmoor : [picks up a bottle of wine]  Clear this drink away. Where's Matron? Lost your tongues, have you? Whose idea was this?

  Thelma Caldicot : It's Edith's wake. We felt she needed a good send off.

  Hawksmoor : Who says so?

  Thelma Caldicot : I do.

  Bernard : So do I.

  [others join in, supporting Thelma] 

  Thelma Caldicot : It's all right, folks. I take full responsibility. I felt it was something you would have organised, had you been here.

  Hawksmoor : Don't you be clever with me. I want you packed and out of this place first thing in the morning.

  Bernard : You can't do that. If she goes, so do I.

  Thelma Caldicot : [sighing]  Oh, you can't, Bernard. You've got nowhere to go. And this miserable bugger knows it.

  Hawksmoor : [walking away]  Before breakfast, Mrs Caldicot.

  Thelma Caldicot : Just a minute. Oh, I *am* leaving, because I don't belong here. In fact, none of us belongs here in your second-rate, overpriced knacker's yard. And we don't need you or our relatives to tell us when we're ready for the scrap heap. *We'll* decide that. Do you know, I spent 40 years of my life under the boot of a mean-spirited tyrant just like you. And I'm not going to let it happen again.

  [she turns to all the other residents] 

  Thelma Caldicot : Good night, folks.

  Everyone : Good night. Thank you.

• [a nurse has just witnessed sounds of passionate love-making followed by Hawksmoor and then Matron leaving the room with their clothing in disarray; Hawksmoor now comes into the dining room where Thelma, Bernard, Leslie, Joyce and Audrey are sitting with their arms folded, disgusted at being served cabbage yet again] 

  Hawksmoor : What is going on?

  [no-one answers him] 

  Hawksmoor : [to Audrey]  Miss Nightingale, why aren't you eating?

  Hawksmoor : [to Leslie]  Mr Hewitt?

  Hawksmoor : [to Thelma]  Is this your influence, Mrs Caldicot?

  [still no-one answers him; they all sit with their arms folded, steadfastly refusing to eat] 

  Hawksmoor : What exactly is the problem?

  Thelma Caldicot : It's rubbish. That's the problem.

  Hawksmoor : This is perfectly balanced dietary cuisine.

  Thelma Caldicot : Oh. Would you like to joins us?

  Hawksmoor : [to Bernard]  Mr Livingstone.

  Bernard : I'm with Mrs Caldicot.

  Leslie : So am I.

  Joyce : So am I.

  Audrey : And me.

  Hawksmoor : [patronisingly]  A missed meal can cause serious medical problems. I hope you're prepared to take on that responsiblity.

  [they exchange glances and reluctantly start to eat] 

  Hawksmoor : Thank you.

  [Hawksmoor turns to leave the room] 

  Bernard : Commander?

  Hawksmoor : Yes?

  Bernard : You're flying low, old boy.

  Hawksmoor : What?

  [Thelma turns to look at Hawksmoor, and smirks. Hawksmoor checks his fly and discovers that it is unzipped from his earlier "encounter" with the Matron] 

  Thelma Caldicot , Audrey , Joyce , Leslie , Bernard : [laugh] 

• [Thelma is being interviewed on national television about her "mass breakout" from the nursing home; Nick Reid, the interviewer, is trying to be provocative] 

  Thelma Caldicot : Mrs Caldicot, you're in the news because you led a walk out at the Twilight Years rest home. Now it's being said that you led the walk out because you couldn't stand cabbage. That's rather extreme, isn't it?

  [audience sniggers] 

  Thelma Caldicot : Well, it's true that I didn't want to eat any more cabbage., but that's not why I left. I left because it was a place that was run with minimum care for maximum profit by a tinpot little dictator.

  Nick Reid : Even so, some people are saying that you're just an attention seeker.

  Thelma Caldicot : Why one earth would anyone say that?

  Nick Reid : Because that's what children do, isn't it? They throw a tantrum when faced with food they don't want to eat.

  Thelma Caldicot : I'm not looking for attention at all.

  Nick Reid : Oh, come on. You're on national television.

  Thelma Caldicot : Only because you asked me. There's a smashing film on the other side. I'd much rather be watching that.

  Nick Reid : Do you think your actions will lead to revolution among our senior citizens?

  Thelma Caldicot : I don't know.

  Nick Reid : You don't know? That's not very responsible, is it?

  [audience laughs] 

  Thelma Caldicot : Sometimes life isn't about knowing the answers. It's about knowing the right questions to ask.

  Nick Reid : Well let's swap seats, then. You tell me what the right questions are.

  Thelma Caldicot : For a start, instead of making cheap jibes at me, why don't you ask me why we lock up these lovely, decent people just because they're getting old? Oh no, sorry, 'past it'. What on earth does that mean? Past what?

  Nick Reid : And the answer is...

  Thelma Caldicot : I don't *know* what the answer is. Maybe it's because we're selfish. Why is it that we rob them of their dignity and stuff a load of tranquillisers down their throats instead of offering them our help and our care and, most of all, our time?

  Nick Reid : You tell us.

  Thelma Caldicot : And why is it that the very sight of them repulses us, the older and more feeble they get? We've all done it, haven't we? 'Oh, don't let me get like that. If I get like that, shoot me.' Maybe it's just fear. And no, I don't know what the answer is. But I do know that these are the questions we should be asking. All of us.

  Nick Reid : Well that's very enlightening, isn't it? Are there any more questions you want to ask before I let tonight's star guest get a word in edgeways?

  Thelma Caldicot : Yeah, just one. Why do you wear that daft wig?

  [audience laughs and applauds] 

• Bernard : Hewitt and I have been considering you very carefully, Mrs Caldicot.

  Thelma Caldicot : Have you now?

  Bernard : And we are agreed that you should be asked to join our escape committee.

  Thelma Caldicot : How many have you got?

  Bernard : Just Hewitt and me. I'm the brains, he's the brawn.

  Leslie : So he reckons.

  Thelma Caldicot : So what's the plan?

  Bernard : Tunnelling was the favoured option... and then Hewitt here went and lost the bloody trowel.

  Thelma Caldicot : So now what?

  Bernard : Well, currently we have a plan to kidnap two of the nurses, take their uniforms, and then leave in disguise.

  Thelma Caldicot : I think I've seen the film.

  Bernard : Yes. Well, of course, we realised that we might not get very far before somebody spotted something suspicious, but... well, it would be a breath of fresh air for us.

  Leslie : Now you see why we need some new ideas.