The Office (2001–2003)

Mackenzie Crook: Gareth Keenan

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Quotes 

• Gareth : That's one reason why gays shouldn't be allowed into the army. Because if we're in battle, is he going to be looking at the enemy, or is he going to be looking at me and going "Ooh. He looks tasty in his uniform". And I'm not homophobic, all right? Come round, look at my CDs. You'll see Queen, George Michael, Pet Shop Boys. They're all bummers.

• Gareth : My dad, for example, he's not as cosmopolitan or as educated as me and it can be embarrasing you know. He doesn't understand all the new trendy words - like he'll say "poofs" instead of "gays", "birds" instead of "women", "darkies" instead of "coloureds".

• [Gareth's phone rings. He puts it on Speaker] 

  Gareth : Gareth Keenan. Hello.

  Ange : Hi baby. It's Ange.

  [Tim, Dawn and Rachel all look up, alarmed to hear a woman's voice] 

  Gareth : [embarrassed]  All right.

  Ange : Are you coming round tonight?

  Gareth : I can't I'm going up Chasers with the lads.

  Ange : Oh come round first. We'll have a bit of time together.

  Gareth : All right.

  Ange : Have some fun.

  Gareth : Yep. Okay.

  Ange : Are you going to bring the toys again?

  [Gareth embarrased, hurriedly picks the phone up] 

  Gareth : Erm, Yeah... okay... yeah... look forward to... doing it to you too. All right, bye.

  [Gareth puts the phone down. There is a stunned silence] 

  Tim : The Toys?

  Gareth : Shut up.

  Tim : What are the toys? Is it Buckaroo? It's not Boggle is it?

  Gareth : Shut up.

  Tim : If it's Kerplunk I'm coming round.

  Gareth : It was a private phone call, so...

  Tim : Well, don't put it on speakerphone then Gareth.

  [turns round to talk to Rachel] 

  Tim : Yeah the Jolly Farmer sounds good...

  [turns back to Gareth] 

  Tim : Is it Hungry Hippos?

• Gareth : All right then Einstein if you're so clever, what am I thinking about now?

  Tim : You're thinking how could I kill a tiger armed only with a biro?

  Gareth : No.

  Tim : You're thinking if I crash land in the jungle can I survive by eating my own shoes?

  Gareth : No and no you can't.

  Tim : What are you thinking Gareth?

  Gareth : "I was thinking will there ever be a boy born who can swim faster then a shark?

• Gareth : Condoms come in all different flavours nowadays. There's strawberry and curry and that. Do you like curry?

• Gareth : I'm not homophobic, all right? Come around, look at my C.D collection. You'll find Queen, George Michael, Pet Shop Boys. They're all bummers.

• Gareth : You're so immature.

  Tim : [Making a phone call]  Oh Gareth, If there is one thing that I am not, it is immature.

  Gareth : You are an immature little tosser.

  [Gareth's Mobile rings he answers it] 

  Gareth : Gareth Keenan.

  Tim : [Childishly into his phone]  Cock.

  [Gareth slams his mobile down] 

• Gareth : If you like Top Trumps, you should come to me. I've got about five different sets. Don't try to beat me at Monster Trucks, though, 'cos you won't. My speciality.

  Rachel : Yeah, it's a game of chance though, isn't it? It's what you...

  Gareth : No, it's not. I would know what cards you've got immediately just through what cards I've got. I used to play it by myself, with a dummy hand just testing out every different scenario of which cards would beat which other cards for hours, sometimes three or four at a time. But put in the work, the rewards are obvious. So I'd know exactly what card you've got in your hand from what cards I've got and I would know, probability wise, exactly what feature to pick on my card to defeat, statistically, any card that you could have in your hand at that precise moment. You will never win.

  [pause] 

  Gareth : Could still be fun, though.

• Gareth : Well, I'm glad we had this little chat. I don't want you to think of me as your boss...

  Donna : Well, you're not.

  Gareth : Well, I'm higher up than you, so I am. What I'm saying is, don't think of me as a boss, but know that I am.

  Donna : I don't think you are.

  Gareth : [getting really defensive]  Well, I'm team leader, so I am. I'm higher up than you.

• Gareth : Yes, I've had office romances. Not here. At another place I worked at. Good-looking ones, as well. But they're not a good idea, office romances. It's like shitting on your own doorstep. I've had loads of offers here, but I go 'no way, distracting'. And that's actually one of the major arguments against letting gay men into the army. And I haven't got a problem with that, right. A gay man's not gonna put me off, I can look after myself. But if you're in battle is he gonna be looking at the enemy or at me, going "Ooh... he looks tasty in his uniform"

• Gareth : I can read women. You've got to know their wants and their needs. And that can be anything from making sure she's got enough money to buy groceries each week to making sure she's gratified sexually after intercourse.

• Gareth : We go there every Wednesday night, and it's a fun place, but it's full of loose women. My own problem with that is venereal disease, which is disabilitating right, especially for a soldier. And it's irresponsible to the rest of your unit as well, right. You've been under attack for days, there's a soldier down, he's wounded, gangrene's setting in, 'who's used all the penicillin?' 'Oh, Mark Paxon sir, he's got knobrot off some tart'