- Gallagher: I see a switch on the wall; it has 'on' and 'off' on it. If it's on you can see it's on; if it's off you can't see to read.
- Gallagher: I don't scold my baby. I don't punish her. Cause I think she's too young, she don't know what she's doin'. But when she's fifteen, her ass is grounded.
- Gallagher: You don't want this child's earliest memory to be of you, shouting through a fog-filled car window, "Don't cry! Conserve your air! Daddy's sorry!"
- Gallagher: [rolls up his pants to untie his skates] I wanna show you another thing that lacks style. And it ain't my leg.
- Gallagher: A bag of Fritos that I saw... it said, 'You may have won ten thousand dollars... no purchase necessary, details inside!'
- Gallagher: What'd I see the other day that lacks style... 'My wife ran off with Bigfoot'. You're gonna tell everyone in the world you're such a shit to live with that she ran off with a beast?
- Gallagher: We are not descended here from a bunch of fat cave people that got ate by the dinosaurs. We're all descendents from the little bitty quick fuckers that got back to the cave!
- Gallagher: That Sominex commercial on TV really says, "When someone you love can't sleep, drug 'em."