Attention Scum (2001– )

Simon Munnery: The League Against Tedium

Quotes 

• The League Against Tedium : "Cleanliness is next to godliness," you claim. Indeed. And the chip shop is next to the hairdresser's. It does not persuade me to visit either.

• The League Against Tedium : A fool and his money are easily parted, but they often retain their hair well into their fifties.

• The League Against Tedium : It is said that at the age of 50 each man becomes what he most despised at the age of 25, and I live in constant fear lest I become a badly organised coach trip to Bournemouth.

• The League Against Tedium : The wise man picks his friends from a hat. The truly wise man picks the hat.

• The League Against Tedium : Have you anything to say? No? Then shut up. Unless you are a woman, in which case carry on - it's delightful.

• The League Against Tedium : Why do men die before they're wise? Could it be because they want to?

• The League Against Tedium : What to say after sex? "Thank you," seems like too much. "I'm sorry," too little.

• The League Against Tedium : I remember when I posed as a customs officer to meet Oscar Wilde. "Have you anything to declare?" I enquired. "I have nothing to declare but my genius," he replied. "I shall put that down as 'nothing', then, shall I?" I said. For I am the wittiest man on Earth bar none, and have two sharp fists to prove it.

• The League Against Tedium : And you say, "He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword." O indeed so! Likewise he who lives by the pen, or by the fax machine, or by the word processor - all shall die by the sword! Only he who lives by the tank shall remain immune.

• The League Against Tedium : My dog has no legs but he still chews bones. How does a dog with no legs chew bones? With a great deal of suspicion, I notice.

• The League Against Tedium : "The pen is mightier than the sword," you claim. I shall meet you at dawn tomorrow in Hyde Park. Bring your pens and prepare to have your logic tested by steel.

• The League Against Tedium : "The poor are always with us." Thus speaks the man who hath not learnt to use a whip correctly.

• The League Against Tedium : And I say thus: "All the world's a stage, its inhabitants merely actors. And thus, by definition, ponces."

• The League Against Tedium : Admire wealthy people. They will not suspect your motives.

• The League Against Tedium : "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched," you assert. I say count them! And then dismiss them for what they are: chickens. Merely chickens.

• The League Against Tedium : Greatness sits upon my shoulders just as a dog urinates upon the pavement. That is, with naturalness and ease, and some offence to the casual observer.

• The League Against Tedium : Question: What is the greatest crime of the 20th century? Answer: Birmingham. And it's growing.

• The League Against Tedium : Art gallery? spare me talk of you "art galleries". What need have I of paintings when I possess several high quality mirrors?