As If (2001–2004)

Orlando Wells: Alexander 'Alex' Stanton, Alex

Photos 

Quotes 

• [trying to dissuade Jamie from handing out flyers with his phone number on the streets] 

  Alexander 'Alex' Stanton : Do you really think any girl in her right mind is gonna call you?

  Jamie Collier : Two words my son... Sex Digest.

  Alexander 'Alex' Stanton : Two more... Insane asylum.

• Alexander 'Alex' Stanton : You were flirting with him all night!

  Nicki Sutton : Who?

  Alexander 'Alex' Stanton : Serge!

  Nicki Sutton : I was NOT.

  Alexander 'Alex' Stanton : Nicki, your knickers were around your ankles

• Nicki Sutton : I wanna know who he lost his virginity to.

  Suzanne 'Sooz' Lee : We're not doing that, are we?

  Alexander 'Alex' Stanton : Well I can tell you... She was more woman than you'll ever be, and more man than you'll ever get.

• Alexander 'Alex' Stanton : I don't want cheering up. I'm enjoying being miserable. It's a part of the process. It's like grieving. It's necessary.

  Nicki Sutton : It is?

  Alexander 'Alex' Stanton : Let's get this straight: For the record, I hate musicals, especially "The Wizard of Oz"! I think all modern art is pretentious junk. And shopping is NOT better than sex! Especially when it's instead of sex! Now, I don't know what manual on gay men you've been consulting, but it's out of date, all right?

• [complaining about the age of consent in the UK being higher for homosexuals than for heterosexuals] 

  Alexander 'Alex' Stanton : It's a load of crap all this consent lark. Everyone of my mates is getting it, why can't I?

• Alexander 'Alex' Stanton : I'm not being heterophobic... Some of my best friends are straight.

• Alexander 'Alex' Stanton : I had no idea apples were such promiscuous fruits.

• Alexander 'Alex' Stanton : Aren't you underage?

  Allen Rissbrook : For what?

  Alexander 'Alex' Stanton : Drinking. And it's a school night.

  Allen Rissbrook : All work and no play makes Al a dull boy.

  Alexander 'Alex' Stanton : You mean me or you?

  Allen Rissbrook : Sorry, we on a first name terms now?

  Alexander 'Alex' Stanton : No I just...

  Allen Rissbrook : Tell me. Are you feeling lucky tonight then? Cause I am. Al.

• Allen Rissbrook : So here's how I see it. You're almost a teacher, and I'm pretty much a student. So it'd be a really bad idea if you kissed me.

  Alexander 'Alex' Stanton : What?

  Allen Rissbrook : It'd be like crossing a line.

  Alexander 'Alex' Stanton : Yeah, and that's precisely why I'm NOT gonna do it.

  Allen Rissbrook : No, but I can SAY ya did. Yeah?

  Alexander 'Alex' Stanton : Are you threatening me? When I can tell them that you were sitting in here, underage...

  Allen Rissbrook : [taking one of Alex's tequilas]  Drinking a drink that you bought me?

  [Alex grabs his wrist] 

  Allen Rissbrook : With you holding my hand?

  Alexander 'Alex' Stanton : You're screwed up.

  Allen Rissbrook : Kiss me. Or I'll say you did. You know you want to.

  Alexander 'Alex' Stanton : No I don't.

  Allen Rissbrook : Yes you do. Al... Sir...

• Alexander 'Alex' Stanton : Sooz, This is Jeff. We met over a few beers last night.

  Suzanne 'Sooz' Lee : [wrongly appraising Jeff as a trick]  Right.

  Jeff : And what a night it was too. Could hardly walk this morning.