As If (2001–2004)

Paul Chequer: Jamie Collier

Photos 

Quotes 

• [when he realizes that Sooz is in the men's room] 

  Jamie Collier : The men's toilet, have you grown a penis?

  Suzanne 'Sooz' Lee : No, have you?

• [trying to dissuade Jamie from handing out flyers with his phone number on the streets] 

  Alexander 'Alex' Stanton : Do you really think any girl in her right mind is gonna call you?

  Jamie Collier : Two words my son... Sex Digest.

  Alexander 'Alex' Stanton : Two more... Insane asylum.

• Suzanne 'Sooz' Lee : Jaime. If you really want to help you should go and create a performance piece. You know, something alone the line of... Food as Dirt... juxtaposed with the cleansing ritual.

  Jamie Collier : Right, so you want me to do the washing up, then.

• [discussing Alex's past] 

  Jamie Collier : Classic thing is, Right. There was this guy once. Al was totally into him. But he had to lie about his age to get him. So I think now, being around kiddies, freaks him out a bit.

  Allen Rissbrook : Yeah, he's nice, Al, isn't he?

  Jamie Collier : Yeah he is. He's always clean and punctual and...

  [Realizing Allan is gay] 

  Jamie Collier : Right. Ya mean nice.

  Allen Rissbrook : Yeah.

  Jamie Collier : Sorry mate. I had ya down as one of us.

• Jamie Collier : [thinking that Al and Jeff had a date]  So, you and Al hit it off last night then?

  Jeff : [Thinking that he's talking about their night of drinking and darts]  Yeah, his wrist action is a bit dodgy though. Needs a bit more oomph. His aim's really good. That's no use if the bloody thing keeps popping out.