[
Max is almost run over leaving a French Supermarket with a trolley full of alcohol]
Max:
Hey. Le Beer. Le Dickhead. Watch it son.
[
a group of students are causing trouble in the club]
Brian Potter:
Right you lot out. Before I knock you out. Sling it go on, you aren't welcome. All of you leave.
Stu:
I'm not going till I get a refund.
Brian Potter:
Did you here that Kenny? You best make him a bed up.
Stu:
I want my money back.
Brian Potter:
I want to moonwalk son, but life's a shithouse. Out.
[
Repeated Line]
Brian Potter:
I don't know whether you've noticed but I'm disabled.
[
Max is trying to purchase a watch from Armchair Superstore]
Max:
Hello... I'd like to order the divers watch... the divers watch love... the one with the light... I don't know love... I can swim.
[
Dougie Hayes has delivered a giant inflatable penis]
Dodgy Eric:
Well what do you think?
Brian Potter:
It's not a bouncy castle.
Dodgy Eric:
You never said a castle.
Brian Potter:
I said I wanted an inflatable.
Dodgy Eric:
It is an inflatable.
Brian Potter:
Inflatable filth.
[
talking about the inflatable Penis]
Jerry St Clair:
We're not having that.
Brian Potter:
You're damn right Jerry, we're not having that go on take it back.
Dodgy Eric:
But Brian...
Brian Potter:
It's a family fun day man, there's kiddies running around. They can't go jumping up and down on a love length.
[
discussing what to do with an Giant Inflatable Penis]
Young Kenny:
Can't we disguise it?
Brian Potter:
Yeah we can, we'll put a wool hat on it and say it's you.
Dodgy Eric:
It's not what it looks Brian.
Brian Potter:
Not what it looks. Not what it looks. It's a twenty-foot cock and balls man. It don't look like nothing else, it's not happening.
[
Max produces a package]
Paddy:
Have you done us a packed lunch?
Max:
Have I.
[
Opens package to reveal a gun]
Paddy:
What on earth is that?
Max:
That my friend, is a German Broomhandle Mauser.
Paddy:
I'm not using that...
Max:
Why, what's wrong with it?
Paddy:
It's an antique that's what it is.
Max:
Hey. It's not an antique. There's nothing wrong with that. It was my granddad's. He shot a German with this.
Paddy:
Was that in the Second World War?
Max:
No, it were in Benidorme. He had a row over a sun lounger.
[
receiving a prank telephone call]
Brian Potter:
Sick. Animals. Laughing at death, half past three in the bloody morning.
Brian Potter:
I have a dream, people, I have a dream. If we build it, they will come.
Les:
Build what?
Brian Potter:
A new Phoenix.
Jerry St Clair:
Here we go again.
Brian Potter:
Bigger, better, faster, stronger, rising out of the ashes. A superclub, a King of clubs only this time we'll have it all. A restaurant, a bistro - we'll serve food.
Jerry St Clair:
Food eh?
Brian Potter:
But not just any old food Jerry. Proper food - scampi, chicken Kievs, garlic bread...
Max:
Garlic bread?
Brian Potter:
Garlic bread, that's right Max. Garlic bread - it's the future, I've tasted it.
Brian Potter:
What's the matter with you, man?
Jerry St Clair:
What's the matter with me? I'll tell you what's the matter with me. Me first week as licensee, I'm stood here looking like a gay Satan cos somebody sold all me clothes on t'jumble. I've been rolled round t'car park all day dressed as a hernia and I've got 12 people in casualty with rubber burns.
Brian Potter:
Rubber Burns? Weren't he a Scottish poet?
Jerry St Clair:
...and what made you apply for this job?
Spencer:
The DSS.
Jerry St Clair:
And why do you think I should give it to you?
Spencer:
Because it will be the DSS paying me wages and it won't cost you a penny.
Jerry St Clair:
Really?
Spencer:
Yeah.
Jerry St Clair:
When can you start? Welcome to the Phoenix, Spencer lad.
'Crimetime' Presenter:
Police probe Leeds girl's snatch. Can you help?
[
Brian has been told over the phone that the club has burnt down and someone was inside]
Max:
All we need to know Mr. Potter, did he have false teeth?
Brian Potter:
False teeth? How the pissin' hell am I supposed to know if he had false teeth?
[
laughing on other end of phone]
Brian Potter:
Who is this?
[
realizing it's a prank]
Brian Potter:
I know who ya are, who are ya?
Brian Potter:
We've got to grab the cow by the horns and pull together.
Brian Potter:
It just came to me in a dream, like St. Paul on the road to Domestos.
Brian Potter:
There is a horse in my cabaret suite.
Brian Potter:
I want to speak to the organist, not the monkey grinder.
Jerry St Clair:
[
discovering the Captain dead] He's dead, Brian.
Brian Potter:
Oh, my God! He can't be dead! Who's going to do the door? Who's going to do the door?
Brian Potter:
[
finding the dead body of the Captain] Put him in the Pennine Suite.
Jerry St Clair:
Why?
Brian Potter:
Why? Because in here's murder. Next door's natural causes.
Dodgy Eric:
[
about the Bucking Bronco] I'll give you a week's free trial while I get your table fixed, then she's got to go to the European Finals in Dusseldorf.
Brian Potter:
Dusseldorf? Oh, good. You can take "das fruit machine" back with you.
Brian Potter:
Hey, toilet-mouth! There's a child's bike outside!
Brian Potter:
Don't talk to me about upper body strength, Lesley! My forearms are massive!
Les:
An' we all know why that is don't we? Too much "Trumpet Polishin'"
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