Queer as Folk (2000–2005)

Scott Lowell: Ted Schmidt

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Ted's trying to get Brian to talk about losing both Michael and Justin] 

  Ted : You can't fool me. You gotta free yourself of this burden. Release it. Let it all hang out.

  Brian : My mother was a frigid bitch. My father was an abusive drunk. They had a hateful marriage, which is probably why I am unwilling or unable to form a committed long-term relationship of my own. The fact that I drink like a fish, abuse drugs, and have more or less redefined promiscuity doesn't help, much. As a result, I've lost the two people in my life that mean most to me.

• Ted : [on dating a guy who's HIV positive]  It's like playing with fire. I mean... what if a condom breaks? Or he's flossing his teeth and his gums bleed?

  Brian : Or he shoots off his load and you're bending over to tie your shoe and it accidentally flies up your ass...

• Justin : I fucked him so hard my dick's gonna be sore for a week.

  Brian Kinney : I don't wanna hear about it.

  Michael : Actually, I wanna hear more...

  Ted : Speak slowly and enunciate...

• Ted : The contractor just told me that Babylon will be back on its dancing feet in no time with enough insurance money left over to put in that new sound system.

  Brian : That's good news. Except I've decided not to reopen the club.

  Ted : What?

  Brian : Babylon is history.

  Ted : But it's your baby, your toy, your personal playground.

  Brian : Well, now it's a battleground.

  Ted : What are you gonna do with it?

  Brian : You said there're developers who wanna tear it down, put in a mini mall.

  Ted : And you said you'd sooner die than see our happy homo home homogenized.

  Brian : Enough people have already died. Anyway, who'd pay 20 bucks to dance in the memory of bombs and corpses?

• Michael : She hit me. My mother fucking hit me!

  Ted : She's always hitting you.

  Brian Kinney : That's how she shows her affection.

  Michael : I mean for real.

  Brian Kinney : Well, what did Mikey do?

  Michael : I told her she was pathetic for dating that fag-hating cop.

  Ted : You know, if she keeps this up, we're going to have to take her honorary queer button away.

  Michael : Where are her values? Her principles?

  Brian Kinney : You know how it is when you want cock. They're the first things to go.

• Ted : I saw you. Fucking. When I woke up. I thought: I'm in hell and this is my punishment, watching Brian Kinney fucking for all eternity.

  Brian Kinney : You should be so lucky.

• Emmett : My intuition tells me things are not going to go well tonight.

  Ted : Well, your intuition also told you Madonna was going to win an Oscar for "Evita."

  Emmett : She *so* deserved it.

• Debbie : Do you know what MYOB stands for?

  Ted , Emmett : [look blankly] 

  Debbie : Mind your own fucking business.

  Ted : Shouldn't there be an "f" in there?

  Emmett : [nods]  Mmm.

• [Ted and Emmett are at a ski lodge, with Ted just about to blow out his birthday candles] 

  Ted : Every year I always wish for the same thing - a boyfriend. Someone to love who'll love me. This year I think I'm gonna wish for something else. The wisdom and maturity to realize that I won't find what I want by looking for it. Not expect someone else to give me what I never gave myself. That I'm not a half waiting to be made a whole. And even if that special person never comes along... I'll be just fine.

  [Suddenly, Blake walks up behind Ted] 

  Blake Wyzecki : Ted?

  Ted : Blake?

  Blake Wyzecki : I thought it was you.

  Ted : What are you doing here?

  Blake Wyzecki : I'm on the gay ski team. And it's gay ski week.

  Ted : Right. Uh, you remember...

  Blake Wyzecki : Emmett.

  Emmett : Yeah, wow, what a surprise. And Teddy was just about to hang up his skis.

• Emmett : Teddy, how many of those power bars have you had?

  Ted : [shrug]  Who's counting?

  Emmett : I am. That's your fourth. Do you know the number of carbs in those things, not to mention the calories?

  Ted : So I'll burn 'em off.

  Emmett : Honey, you'd have to go up in flames.

• [Brian tells Ted he plans to buy Babylon] 

  Brian : I want it!

  Ted : Oh, you want it! What for?

  Brian : I gotta keep the boys off the street at night. I gotta provide them with a warm, friendly environment in which to use illegal substances and have promiscuous sex - safely, of course.

  Ted : Noble sentiment. But investment-wise, not very practical.

  Brian : And what would be practical, Theodore? To get married? And move to the suburbs? And become a home-lovin', child-raisin', God-fearin' imitation heterosexual? And for what? So that I can become another dead soul, goin' to the mall, droppin' my kids off at school, and having barbecues in the backyard? That's *their* death. Not mine. I'm a cock-sucker! I'm queer! And to anyone who takes pity or offense, I say, "judge yourself." This is where I live. This is who I am.

• Justin : Bed rest is an important part of every recovery.

  Ted : Thank you, Doogie Howser.

• Ted : I could fix you up with my sister... Only, she looks like me in a dress.

• [Ted is just about to have plastic surgery, and he has lines and arrows drawn all over his face] 

  Ted : Look at me! I look like a cow chart in the butcher shop!

• Troy : Fucking losers! They just don't get it, do they? These guys, I feel sorry for them. I can't help it, it's my nature. So out of the goodness of my heart, I have sex with them, give them something to remember for a rainy day. But it's never enough. They're pitiful. Fucking pitiful.

  Ted : I know what you mean... I was one of them.

  Troy : What? You're hot.

  Ted : You didn't think so then. Pride, 2002.

  Troy : Thought there was something familiar about you.

  Ted : Yeah, I was one of your pity fucks. A fact you made painfully clear. Well, guess what? Now you're mine.