Smoke and Mirrors (1995 Video Game)

Penn Jillette: Self - Penn

Quotes 

• [On astrology] 

  Penn : It serves no purpose. Well, I guess that's not strictly true - it gives astrology columnists jobs and it allows people to shirk responsibility for their actions. "I'm sorry I pushed that button, Mr. President, sir, but Saturn was out of sync and my houses were screwed up."

• Penn : You can play as bad as an accordion in a street quartet, but you can do no wrong.

• Penn : Video games are bad for you. How often have you heard that one? And before video games, it was rock and roll, comic books, and television and movies. Well, they may have a point about the movies; there hasn't been a good movie made since those pesky talkies came out. But Teller and I grew up on the rest and look at how we turned out.

• Penn : If you know anything about Penn and Teller, you'll know this isn't going to be your typical, jump 'em, shoot 'em video game. So if you're hoping to goof around with short immigrant piping engineers with lots of facial hair, or some hyperactive nocturnal insectivorous mammal, or a couple of guys pounding each other's brains out - if you like that sort of stuff - you're playing the wrong video game.

• Penn : You know who Penn and Teller are and you know what we stand for.

  Teller : [holds up a sign saying "pure evil"] 

• [describing 'Desert Bus'] 

  Penn : It's nothing glamorous. It's not pretty. I's not exciting. It's real.

• Penn : Hey, Teller, it's Lou Reed, the original rock and roll animal hisself! Lou, how you doin', man?

  [Lou kills Penn and Teller with his laser eyes] 

• Penn : Penn and Teller would never recommend you do these tricks to upset your friends, teachers or family.

  [Teller holds up a sign saying "Aw, go ahead."] 

• Penn : Our patented Personometer couldn't have been developed without the co-operation of the Cosmic Research Organisation from Clairevoid Conneticut

  [he and Teller applaud] 

  Penn : Thank you CROCC.

• Penn : [after being killed by Lou Reed]  You're too cool for us, Lou. We'll never be as cool as you are... never.

• Penn : Button A means, "yeah." Button B means, "Yeah!" And Button C means "YEAH!" Not pressing any of the buttons means... you forgot to press one of the buttons.

• [Penn and Teller are reading papers. Teller then taps Penn's shoulder] 

  Penn : I told you, I'm not done with the science section.

  [Teller taps him again and then points to the camera] 

  Penn : Oh.

  [points to self] 

  Penn : Penn

  [points to Teller] 

  Penn : Teller. But you knew that already. That's why you bought this game.

• Penn : This is Absolute Entertainment's top secret testing ground. We've been holed up in here, programming, drawing and designing every element of this game all by our lonesome.

• Penn : Force of will - yeah, right. And I bet with the force of my will, I can make Teller disappear.

  [Penn disappears instead] 

  Penn : Wow. I guess some of us are more powerful then others. But the rest of you will need this help to do things *really* cool.

• [Teller is fighting with action figures] 

  Penn : Yeah! Kill! Death! Kill! Death! KILL HIM! KILL HIM! KILL HIM! Your winner and still champion! I shall return to kill again! Buh, ha, ha!

• Penn : I believe it was the great surrealist artist Salvador Dalí who said, "Whenever someone, even a very attractive person, talks to me about astrology, I never call that person again." Good advice, but if you're stuck with this person, you may as well have some fun with them.

• Penn : Our good name is at stake.

  [Teller holds up a sign saying "Rip off artistes."] 

• Penn : We can deal with you straight. That's why we didn't ever bother putting up a set. We'll put that up later for the intro you'll show to the people with whom you want to mess.

• Penn : You'd better practice these scams, because if anyone is going to look stupid, it should be them, not you.

• Penn : A one pound ball one foot away has the same gravitational pull on my body as Mars does!

• Penn : Can you certainly say what English word Teller has written on this card? No? Teller?

  [Teller has written "no"] 

  Penn : Whoa! That's as close to psychic ability you will get.